vent..so, whatever

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

nae nae

Date posted: 33w

I understand this feeling. Occasionally, I'll still have thoughts like this, but I don't really want to die. I just want the war inside of my head to end. It's exhausting to deal with day in and day out, but you're doing it. You're a lot stronger than you know. You said you have the desire and will to be a good person, and I see that in each and every one of the posts you make, as well as the comments you leave underneath other peoples posts. You're not alone in this, but it can easily feel like it. If you need to vent, then vent. If you need advice or support, we're here for you. I know things feel hopeless right now, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It's treated as a "quirky" personality trait by some people, but I wouldn't wish OCD on my worst enemy. It's so misunderstood. But, we'll come out stronger at the end of this and with more compassion for others around us who might be suffering. :) I don't know if I've asked this before under any of the other posts you've made, but are you currently seeing a therapist (like an OCD specialist)?

Ishtar._

Date posted: 33w

omg! 🥺😭 thank you very much for those nice words, nae.. i just want to help here, and also be helped because it's great not to feel alone in the midst of this chaos. the lack of a diagnosis drives me crazy and makes me feel worse and worse.. i know i don't like it, i don't agree with anything related to child abuse or anything like that, but it seems like i like it..something in the back of my mind say it, and i can't silence that voice. it's horrible, desperate and agonizing.. i've been in therapy since september, but lately i've been running out of money, and i've been without it for almost a month. my therapist says she sees more OCD in me than the other diagnosis, but I'm very scared and if feel like i always hide something, or something new always comes up for me to think about and compare.. i know it sounds very OCD, but I'm afraid it's not. these feelings won't go away, no matter what i do.

Ifzal

Date posted: 33w

@Ishtar._ Keep seeking help from anywhere you get . Friends , relatives and therapist . Sometimes it’s gets very overwhelming to get out of this situation but sooner we will get out from this gloomy, cloudy and sad phase. Soon we can enjoy our life, go to vacations and things which make us happy . Keep faith and good days ahead

nae nae

Date posted: 33w

@Ishtar._ I wrote out a really long reply just now, but it didn't go through😭 But, it's no trouble at all. You're always supporting others. It's the least I could do. We're all in this together. Even if we're dealing with different themes, at its core, it's the same monster. The doubt really can be one of the worst parts. Even when we technically know it's not us, the "what ifs" are there. It can feel like a loss of identity at times... "Do I really know myself? What if I am who the thoughts say I am." I'm sorry you haven't been able to see your therapist recently. I hope you're able to soon. And, I can relate with the lack of a diagnosis... In the beginning, I cried at the thought of it being OCD, but that was before I knew about treatments and things. It'd be a comfort now to know that's really what it is, but I think I'd still struggle with doubt (for a little while). That's just the nature of this disorder, sadly. It doesn't mean we can't overcome it, though. Hang in there🥲 There might be difficult days ahead, but there is also a future version of you that will be proud you were strong enough to keep going. There will come a day when we'll look back and shake our heads at all of this.

Ishtar._

Date posted: 33w

@nae nae i really hope it's OCD. i know it's also a disorder, difficult to treat and gradually improves, but i wouldn't be able to handle it if it was a paraphilia or something like that. you're a good person! thanks for the support! 🫂 i really hope we get better soon, diagnosed and given the right treatment.. maybe life can be good again.

nae nae

Date posted: 33w

@Ishtar._ Me too🥹 Wishing you the best!

[Deleted]

Date posted: 33w

Comment deleted by user

Ishtar._

Date posted: 33w

thank you very much for your support and kind words! feel free to do the same with me! 🩷

Yamimuu

Date posted: 24w

Vent

I hate all of this. I feel so extremally ashamed of every single little thing I do, every single action is being questioned and shamed. I just cant understand why do I feel this way, afterall, it's not like Im going to stop doing these things or thinking in a certain way because I feel this shame. Sometimes these are little things like feeling ashamed over not being extremally kind to an adult(I fear adults a lot and I see them as people superior to me, which makes me feel even more ashamed and inferior) but sometimes it's shame over my morals, my wording of sentences etc. There's nothing that I can do to make this shame go away, Im so desperate to feel better that I constantly put other people down "as a joke" (only if they agree to it) to make myself feel less ashamed of my own existance. I know it's wrong and Im not a good person but I just dont know what should I do, Im so increadibly tired with this never ending shame. I felt it ever since, but since I got my second ocd episode(that started on 1th of august 2023) It has gotten so much worse. Now it's utterly debilitating and pathologizes my functioning in every area. I feel ashamed of thinking, of feeling, of eating, of learning, of the way I draw, speak or dress, of my behaviour, of what media I consume. Actually I feel ashamed over everything, I dont have any kind of true self worth, I need other people in order to feel atleast a bit better. All I want is for all of the people on earth to reassure me over and over again that Im allowed to live amongst them, that Im not wrong, that I can live and be happy as well. I wish I could just never wake up again, I feel so bad

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

i have done so many bad things

i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.

HOY

Date posted: 16w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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