@Mariabae Did that person have OCD? It doesn’t sound like it. A lot of people experience similar situations, and while it’s difficult, they don’t typically become absolutely panicked at the thought of leaving their partner. They often feel relief afterward, even if the breakup is hard. But for you, I don’t think relief is what you would feel at all. In fact, I think it would make you spiral even harder. Leaving your boyfriend because of your intrusive thoughts and ROCD would actually be an avoidance compulsion—a big one. Avoidance might temporarily soothe the anxiety, but it would only make the OCD worse in the long run.
You can stop loving someone for no clear reason, but love isn’t just a feeling—it’s also a choice. Many people who leave their partners because they “stopped loving them” usually confuse love with infatuation. Relationships have ups and downs, and that’s completely normal. For example, my parents have been together for 25 years. Sometimes they don’t like each other at all, and other times they act like teenagers, completely enthralled with one another. My mom has even told me there were moments when she wished she hadn’t gotten married. But she’s also said my dad is everything to her. Those fluctuations are just a part of long-term relationships, but OCD takes those natural feelings and twists them, making us panic and question things.
When we allow ourselves to panic, it hits harder, creates more doubt, and spirals into worse thoughts that aren’t reflective of how we actually feel. I’ve had two therapists, and both told me that it’s completely normal to feel frustrated with your partner or even to hate their guts temporarily. It’s not necessarily OCD—that’s just part of being in a relationship. They told me this because my ROCD got so bad that I was scaring my boyfriend away. On top of that, my boyfriend sometimes finds me annoying, and I find him absolutely infuriating at times. But when we calm down, we laugh it off because we know those moments don’t define how we actually feel about each other.
The person you’re referring to made the decision to stop loving their partner—if they ever loved them in the first place. That’s not a decision anyone makes accidentally, I promise you.
I’ve struggled with similar intrusive thoughts like, “What if I’m just in love with the idea of him or a boyfriend, and not actually him?” or “What if I only stay with him because I feel bad for him?” These thoughts feel so real in the moment, but they’re just OCD distorting your perspective. If you could ignore those thoughts for even one day and stay fully present, I guarantee you’d have a moment where you can see past the distortion. You’ve already said you don’t want to end your relationship that’s a clear indication you can see past some of the distortion. And that “I think” you keep using? I know it so well—I say it too when OCD starts creeping doubt into my mind. Any “what if” or “I think” thought is most likely OCD at work.
“What if it’s not OCD?” That’s also OCD.
People who genuinely want to break up with their partner typically experience a period of strong clarity about their decision. Breakups are hard, but they don’t come with the overwhelming panic and doubt that OCD causes.
Right now, your OCD is trying to protect your boyfriend by convincing you to leave him entirely, but in doing so, it’s actually hurting you and him. Push back against the OCD. Stay present. It’s hard, but it’s the only way through.