I want to get this off my chest... I'm not sure which OCD type I have. It started with fears of being gay but now I don't have as much gay thoughts (but still enormous amounts of anxiety, and no feelings for girls) but I'm doubting about recovery. I have been in treatment for two years but every time I fully decide to accept the OCD, then OCD finds a new way to doubt about this recovery tip. After OCD has latched a doubting thought about the recovery tip, it doesn't work any more and the more I try to use the tool (e.g. Notice the thoughts and return to present moment, meditation, mindfulness) the stronger the OCD gets. I try to remain positive but OCD pulls me into negativity. I feel like every thought I have is illogical and even the sentences I wrote here in the post feel like not real. I get so many questions in my head (that I know are OCD questions) but the more I try to resist answering them, the stronger they get. Basically like I want to recover but the more I want to come out of OCD the stronger it gets. I'm so confused and don't know what to do... I tried to confront the anxiety and I started liking the feeling but then OCD told me you hate the anxiety and it overtook me .. so so illogical and I'm really sick of it. 6 months of this back and forth between OCD and recovery and it's tiring me... Being so inadequate all the time and exhausted.. it seems like it's impossible to overcome the OCD when you just have no energy and you have the feeling as if you can't distinguish yourself from the thoughts. What to do when you are so overtaken by OCD and every decision you make, is actually OCD telling things in my head? Like my deciding part of my brain would be broken...

I relate to this so hard. No matter what tool I used to try to help myself, the ocd eats it and turns it against me. I know reassurance isn't good, but I think some reassurance can be used for grounding. Not for me anymore, my brain will find any loop hole in any logic that other people try to give me and tear the whole idea to shreds. My brain is set on the idea that I'm a lesbian now, my past means nothing to my hocd.

It's really illogical. Well I am sure I'm straight but I get the gay thoughts still. But no interest in girls. But the OCD is rather like "recovery OCD". When I tell my thoughts that they are OCD (it was a part of the treatment to tell that to the thoughts), my brain takes this as compulsion. Like I would be reassuring myself by saying "it is just OCD". Sometimes I don't get the idea of distinguishing the recovery tools and compulsions

Yeah, OCD definitely correlates directly with life changes, anxiety etc. Think of it as our brain’s way of coping with stress. That’s literally all it is. Let me know the next time your OCD is bad when everything in life is going good work, family etc. That’s why we have to be ready to accept that’s the way we are built so that when things happen and change throughout life (and they most definitely will as we all know) we get better and better at managing our coping mechanism of whatever OCD has latched on to at that time. Embrace your OCD, get to know it up close and in person so it’s not so big and bad anymore. You’ll weaken it. Another tip from me is when you are in the midst of a life change, high anxiety etc and your OCD is full throttle, try not to practice exposure therapy during that time. Resists compulsions, but don’t necessarily go looking and checking. OCD wants you to do that at that time because it knows you’re in a weak state. Better yet, practice exposure, CBT etc with your psychologist or when anxiety is low. Stay positive ✊?