- Username
- tttamme
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I relate to this so hard. No matter what tool I used to try to help myself, the ocd eats it and turns it against me. I know reassurance isn't good, but I think some reassurance can be used for grounding. Not for me anymore, my brain will find any loop hole in any logic that other people try to give me and tear the whole idea to shreds. My brain is set on the idea that I'm a lesbian now, my past means nothing to my hocd.
It's really illogical. Well I am sure I'm straight but I get the gay thoughts still. But no interest in girls. But the OCD is rather like "recovery OCD". When I tell my thoughts that they are OCD (it was a part of the treatment to tell that to the thoughts), my brain takes this as compulsion. Like I would be reassuring myself by saying "it is just OCD". Sometimes I don't get the idea of distinguishing the recovery tools and compulsions
Me too. I get confused between what are compulsions, what is reassurance, and what can actually help me.
@hateocd123 Yeah, I find it weird. My mind is constantly looking for ways to overcome OCD and sometimes I accidentally start accepting the thoughts and OCD loses its power. It's weird
@tttamme I've accepted the thoughts, but it doesn't make the ocd lose its power for me. Maybe I'm in an in between phase, but I've accepted the idea of being a lesbian and I'm not any less stressed than I was before.
Yeah, OCD definitely correlates directly with life changes, anxiety etc. Think of it as our brain’s way of coping with stress. That’s literally all it is. Let me know the next time your OCD is bad when everything in life is going good work, family etc. That’s why we have to be ready to accept that’s the way we are built so that when things happen and change throughout life (and they most definitely will as we all know) we get better and better at managing our coping mechanism of whatever OCD has latched on to at that time. Embrace your OCD, get to know it up close and in person so it’s not so big and bad anymore. You’ll weaken it. Another tip from me is when you are in the midst of a life change, high anxiety etc and your OCD is full throttle, try not to practice exposure therapy during that time. Resists compulsions, but don’t necessarily go looking and checking. OCD wants you to do that at that time because it knows you’re in a weak state. Better yet, practice exposure, CBT etc with your psychologist or when anxiety is low. Stay positive ✊?
So looks like I’ve hit a wall I haven’t hit ever with this ocd. If you can even call it ocd. I genuinely feel confused. Idk what’s real or not. Idk what my mind or body wants. I feel so stressed out. My thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore and sometimes it genuinely feels like I want it and I’m just hiding it. I don’t get it. I even lost attraction to this girl I was madly interested in. I don’t know what to do anymore really. I see any dude and my mind automatically starts thinking “you’re attracted to him” literally every single guy I see. I’m not even kidding. I really don’t get what’s going on with me. I haven’t been diagnosed yet because there are no ocd specialists in my area. My mom told me once she thinks she has ocd and my aunt as well. But their ocd seems more like the “traditional” type of ocd where you can actually see their compulsions. I think I struggled from Religious ocd a few years back. Also with my ex girlfriend there was a period where I struggled with ROCD I believe but got over it. Now Hocd has definitely been the worst and what makes it worse is that I actually had a gay experience but even after that I didn’t question my sexuality. I maybe would get the ocasional “you’re gay” thought but wouldn’t pay it attention and it just went away. But now it just can’t leave my head. This has been going on since February. I used to be crazy for women, don’t know what’s wrong with me. I even had sex with the girl I really like about 2 weeks ago and really enjoyed it! But now my attraction for her seemingly disappeared out of nowhere when this hocd bull starts acting up again. I’m so tired of this.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
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