surrounded by triggers

I cant do anything anymore without my brain dregdging up proof from my past that I was actually trans and didn't know it, and it all seems so plausible. like I said in my last post its unearthing memories that I didn't even know I have. ik this is just ocd tricking me but I feel like I need to review every moment thoroughly bc I have questioned my gender in the past but always concluded that'd I'd happier as a girl (which is true). everything feels so real and it feels like I am just super in denial. also, how do I tell people about this? I made the mistake of confessing to a teacher on a note and only a couple friends of mine understand the thoughts I get, but I don't tell them everything. however its very hard for me to do basic responsibilities like school work and I always end up overwhelmed, so I'm thinking I may need accomdations. I need to get in touch with my counselor but i'm unsure how to explain all of this to her, being that I don't have a diagnosis....also I feel like I can't talk about this with the majority of my friends because gender ocd is rare to have (increasing my doubts) and, at least school-wise, i'm in very accepting environment for lgbtq and I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me to accept myself. I'm scared of doing erp for this because what if I like it (also cant afford therapy). ive also felt very apprehensive around some of my trans friends and classmates because my brain is going crazy asking "what if you're like them?" and I feel so bad and transphobic for these thoughts. i'm genuinely so tired. one of my closest friends died last year, but my father pointed out that my recent mood has been even worse than it was during that time. i tend to bottle up my emotions a lot, so everyone's just telling me to "let it go" and tell people, but if I do that I feel like i'll end up confessing. i'm so tired and lost.

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.