Possibly a compulsion?

I've been struggling with feeling like a "bad/weird/wrong person" for a while now and I feel like every day I'm hyperaware of things I say and do, comparing myself to others (especially "bad people" from movies or documentaries), feeling like I have to figure out what's wrong with me, feeling vulnerable in public, etc. This has put a huge strain on my relationships and school work, where I feel stuck in my head constantly unable to focus. When I talk to people I feel hyperaware of how much I use the word "I" in my conversations, and I beat myself up after for being selfish. I've been crying a lot, almost everyday, especially when I go digging through my memories to figure out if I've always been "bad" and trying to diagnose myself. On one hand I feel as though I should dig all these things up in order to fix myself, but on the other hand I find myself becoming more irritated, isolated and depressed whenever I go down this road. I thought doing all of these things would make me a better person but I think it's just making myself and everyone around me miserable. So I'm wondering, is all this comparison, rumination and hyper-self-awareness just a compulsion that must be resisted? I'm afraid if I don't do these things my "badness" will go unchecked and get worse. (As I type this I feel like I'm also probably lying/exaggerating).

dwestiny

Date posted: 27w

I really hear how much you’re struggling with this, and I want to say upfront that you’re not alone in these feelings. Everything you’re describing—hyper-awareness of your words and actions, constant comparison, digging through memories to analyze yourself, feeling selfish for talking about yourself, and fearing that if you don’t keep checking, you’ll somehow become worse—are classic OCD symptoms. This is textbook moral OCD or scrupulosity—a form of OCD where people obsess over whether they are good, bad, or morally flawed. The hard truth is that, yes, this entire cycle is a compulsion. OCD convinces you that if you just analyze enough, if you just compare enough, if you just check enough, you’ll find an answer that finally brings relief. But the exact opposite happens: the more you check, the worse you feel. You’ve already noticed that, haven’t you? The more you dig, the more isolated, irritated, and depressed you feel. That’s because the compulsion doesn’t give you a real answer—it just creates more doubt, forcing you to dig even deeper, again and again. It’s an endless cycle. OCD loves making you feel like you’re lying or exaggerating—it makes you second-guess everything, even your own emotions. That’s why you feel like you’re making this all up. But you’re not. This is just how OCD operates. It thrives on uncertainty, and it’s tricking you into believing that if you don’t do these mental gymnastics, your “badness” will spiral out of control. But has that ever actually happened? No. Because at your core, you’re not a bad person at all. You’re just deeply afraid of being one, and that fear is clouding your ability to just be. I know resisting the compulsion feels terrifying, because it feels like letting go of control. But what if I told you that true control comes from letting go of the need to control? You don’t have to constantly analyze yourself to be a good person. Good people don’t become bad just because they stop obsessing over whether they’re good. They just live. They make mistakes, they learn, they move on. And you deserve that freedom too. It’s going to take time to break out of this cycle, and it will be uncomfortable at first. But every time you choose to let a thought pass without engaging with it, you’re taking a step toward healing. You don’t have to “figure yourself out” or “fix yourself.” You’re not broken. You’re just someone struggling with OCD, and that’s not your fault.

littlecreek24

Date posted: 27w

Thank you for your reply, this is really helpful. What makes it hard is that the thoughts are so automatic that I'm fighting with them almost constantly, making me think that this is my whole personality. But I guess that's why they keep coming back, because I keep engaging with them. I've heard that rumination is a compulsion, but how do I stop when it feels involuntary?

littlecreek24

Date posted: 23w

Compulsion vs ERP

I'm thinking of trying some ERP on my own while I wait for treatment, but I'm having some trouble knowing what is a compulsion and what would be good exposure. For example, I have huge fears of being a narcissist and/or a generally bad person. So whenever I watch a movie or read something that has an evil character in it I automatically compare myself to that character and stress over if I'm like that person. A couple of things I do when this happens is Google other people's experiences, seek reassurance, rumination, etc. Sometimes I'll also google different symptoms of narcissism, freak out over things that I relate to, then get relief over things I don't. So my confusion is, would researching people who have narcissism be an exposure, or a compulsion since it's something I sometimes do during a spiral? Or, would the exposure be watching movies/living life hearing these stories, and refraining from the spiral of rumination and no Googling at all?

moon0270

Date posted: 21w

Google

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

moon0270

Date posted: 18w

Realised I have another compulsion

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹

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Possibly a compulsion?

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