please read plese rocd taking control

I keep thinking that I don’t feel anything for my boyfriend. He recently told me, ‘Maria, it seems like this relationship is doing you more harm than good. I think if we broke up, you’d be better off,’ and I had no reaction. Now I keep thinking that I just don’t want to accept the truth and that I’m a fake who doesn’t know what I want from a relationship. This weekend, he stayed with me from Friday to Sunday (it was also our 1 year and 10 months anniversary). From one moment to the next, I felt horrible—I wanted to cry, I wanted to tell him how anxious I was. He kept reassuring me, saying things like, ‘You don’t have to feel love all the time. Just think logically: you’re with me, you called me to be with you, you still want to be with me, and these thoughts bother you. That means you love me and care about me.’ But I just couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t even kiss him properly. I could give him small pecks, but when he tried to kiss me deeply, I avoided it. I felt horrible because I used to be able to do it, and now it just feels blocked. I wanted to scream and pull my hair out because I don’t feel right, and my mind keeps telling me I don’t like him and that’s it. I’m terrified that this is the truth. I also get irritated with him easily, and that makes me think I don’t like him. When I think about our past, I feel like I was fake and just convinced myself that I liked him. But he tells me, ‘If you were pretending, you should be an actress,’ trying to make me realize that it’s impossible to fake something for this long. And still, I think, ‘Maybe I’m just a good person who doesn’t want to hurt him.’ But he tells me that’s not how it works. I cried uncontrollably, I couldn’t stop, and I still can’t stop looking for reassurance online. The tightness in my chest and the way this feels so real is killing me. I’m scared that I had high expectations for this relationship and now I can’t accept that I don’t like him. I feel like I don’t deserve someone as good as him. I don’t even know why it didn’t affect me when he said I’d be happier without him. And he’s upset because instead of listening to him, I keep searching for answers on Google and other apps. i know what i do wrong i know in not grateful enough and what i do wring but i feel controlled . i dont realise how good he is to me and all the things he accepted because i act so so badly and forgot to mention we saw each other rarely this month because he had his finals of the semester and now he has a break and went back to his parents house (HE MOVED TO MY CITY TO COLLAGE JUST FOR ME) and he came 3 hours with the train back here just to spent valentines day with me and i just made this worse instead of us being happy and celebrating and i feel ungrateful and omg i hate myself

Cantal

Date posted: 26w

If OCD wants you to leave him. Don’t.

ScuderiaAlpha

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 26w

I know it so so tough and it feels so so real, but those hours on google searching for answers and reassurance seeking from google or from him are actually what is keeping the cycle going. The thoughts are never the problem. OCD tells you that they are, but they aren’t. It also tells you that you’re the exception and that everyone else has ROCD but you just don’t want to be with your boyfriend anymore. OCD feels real because it HAS to feel real. If it didn’t then there wouldn’t be a problem and you wouldn’t feel the need to do any compulsions to get rid of it. Though, to get relief and get symptoms under control, it’s really important to really try and resist those compulsions. Frustratingly, that is the only way. No one has ever done enough compulsions to the point where OCD is satisfied so it’s pointless to try. You are stronger than OCD and you can handle the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts about your relationship way better than you think you can, despite OCD telling you that you can’t. You got this! :))

Mariabae

Date posted: 24w

scary rocd

Lately, I’ve been feeling like my relationship isn’t real. I keep thinking: • Why am I even with him? • Do I actually like him, or am I just used to him? • What if I’m just convincing myself that I like him? I feel numb, disconnected, and nothing I tell myself reassures me. Sometimes, I get really irritable when we talk, I don’t feel joy, and I start overanalyzing everything. It makes me feel like the absolute truth is that I don’t like him, and I’m just in denial. I also heard that when you don’t like someone, there’s no anxiety—just relief. But I have moments where the thought “I don’t want to be with him” crosses my mind, and I don’t feel anything at all. And because I don’t panic immediately, I start thinking “Maybe this means it’s true.” I’ve read that love isn’t about feeling excitement 24/7, but my mind keeps telling me that if I don’t feel connected, if I have to search for reasons why I like him, that must mean I don’t. I feel like I’m losing touch with my emotions, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to feel love or happiness the way I used to. It’s like I keep waiting for some proof that I truly want to be with him, but I never find it. Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I’m trapped in this endless doubt, and I don’t know what’s real anymore.

Mariabae

Date posted: 22w

im so lost, my rocd is taking over.

I don’t understand how my boyfriend can love me so much after everything I put him through. He constantly shows me how much he loves me, yet I feel like I can’t fully appreciate it. I can’t explain how badly I behave towards him when these thoughts take over, how often I lash out because of them, and how many times I’ve told him exactly what’s on my mind. He tries to use logic to help me, but it never seems to work. And now, even as I’m writing this, I feel like crying—yet at the same time, my mind tells me that I don’t care. This horrible feeling inside me won’t go away. I keep thinking, “What if I don’t like him?” That thought is always there. I wonder if I had unrealistic expectations about this relationship from the beginning, since he is my first boyfriend. What if I convinced myself I liked him just because I wanted my first relationship to be perfect? And now, I just can’t accept the truth? It scares me even more knowing that he moved to my city for me. I feel like I’m constantly upset, constantly sad. And despite everything, he’s always there for me. That makes me feel even worse because I don’t know what to do to feel okay again. Every time I talk to him, I get this strange feeling inside me, and I’m terrified that it means my thoughts are actually true. He tells me that my happiness shouldn’t depend only on him, that I should focus on more than just this relationship—because for over a year now, my mind has been stuck in an endless loop of questioning whether I love him or not. He asks me, “Who are you fighting? Why do you care so much? You’ve been asking yourself the same question for over a year—shouldn’t you know the answer by now?” And my response is always, “Because I want to be with you.” But then, when I try to answer whether I like him or not, more doubts take over. I start thinking, “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him. Maybe I just want to keep this relationship perfect.” The worst part is that he has never done anything wrong. He has always been patient, kind, and loving, yet I feel so lost. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand what I feel. And I don’t understand why I can’t understand what I feel. He also tells me that ever since I started reading so much about relationships and OCD online, I have gotten worse. And he’s right. I have become much worse than I was before. The problem is that before, I thought I was at my worst, but looking back, I was still able to feel happiness at times. Now, I feel completely stuck. I don’t know if I’m crying because I hate this feeling, or because I don’t want to think this way about him. It feels like I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore.

Mariabae

Date posted: 19w

please read

Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth

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