- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I also kinda became addicted to the porn (tmi) whilst touching myself , it was mainly because I was bored all the time. I even started to kinda get lesbian dreams but it wasn’t involving myself it was like if I was watching porn live. But nothing to do with me in it.
- Date posted
- 5y
Also i totally relate to feeling ugly. For me that started when hocd came. I just stopped feeling feminine and pretty like i used to. The weird thing is that when my selflove went down, i noticed people stopped calling me pretty and i didnt got hit on as much anymore. That all really ruined how i felt about myself. Im now obsessed with looking good and men hitting on me and i want every boy to think im pretty its sooo freaking stupid. I really hate that i do that i wish i was as careless as i used to. It really ruined my dreams and my passion for the future. I want to see the future as a positive thing again and not as something i look up against. I also freaking hate thinking about woman in any other way than just friends. I hate it i just want to be comfortable around them like i used to and not rhink of them sexually its so disgusting and unpure for me personally. Anyway imma build my way up there i promise that to myself
- Date posted
- 5y
OMG i feel the same. like i don’t feel feminine anymore, i feel like...sloppy. idk it’s hard to describe.
- Date posted
- 5y
@empathmind Exacrly just sloppy and like empty. I dont feel like a boy or something but like i dont ejoy fashion and makeup like i used to. I jusr get dressed bc i have to and i want to look good but only for society but i take 0,0 joy out it these days. I hate that its bevause of hocd and not because im just not that into those things anymore. I know deep down i still love those things but hocd just kills every positive thing
- Date posted
- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer yes! yes! exactly! you put it into words.
- Date posted
- 5y
I totally 100% understand what you are going through. I came across lesbian porn when i was 11 and most likely became addicted. It’s one of my biggest regrets, as I think that it’s the key factor that keeps my HOCD going. It’s tough. Girl if you ever need to talk I’m here for you, i totally understand how you are feeling. We got this ??
- Date posted
- 5y
I also regret it so much. I wish I never stumbled onto it. Since then it’s just been chaos. Thank you so much! It’s nice to know your not alone! I really appreciate that!
- Date posted
- 5y
@Chloejade97 Of course! (:
- Date posted
- 5y
Damn im the exacr same as yall. I wish we could just say: i like lesb porn im still into men period and just stop stressing about it like we didn when we were 11. As i got older i just thought it was weird i watched lesbian porn and enjoyed it, thats where my hocd started too. Since then the attraction to men has just been gone and theres no proof right now that im straight other than that ive never ever in my life have beenn in love with a girl or felt the same feelings for a girl like i didnfor a boy. Being in love is like heaven for me and in all this time not liking boys anymore i havent fel anybting like it for a girl. It HAS to mean something. Im scared i ruined my attravrion for men forever.
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah truly if i dont like it why cant i just be confident in that. Whay do i have to analyze it over and over. I jusr cant stop myself from doing it. I cant imagine how it must be to finally hear yhe boy u liked likes u back and exacrly at that point u ger hocd. I wish u lots of luck and u will conquer this!
- Date posted
- 5y
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- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah ugh ik scared i will never fall genuinly in love with a boy just for him without having to analyze and reassure all the time. I miss the old me so much...
- Date posted
- 5y
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- Date posted
- 5y
I do make YouTube videos! I wanted to help others with hocd. Thank you so much, for saying that! I can really understand that! It must of been hell for you :( hocd is so horrible.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Chloejade97 Hey whats ur channel :)
- Date posted
- 5y
@hocdgirlsummer It’s “heyitschloejade Vlogs” :)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.
- Date posted
- 20w
I think I may have SO-OCD and OCD in general. At a young age fear of death. I use to tap my heart 8 times (lucky number) for each person I loved. Then I think I suffered with ROCD and HOCD when I was 18 after 2 bad relationships who they ran off with a ‘close’ friend at the time. I’ve struggled with OCD and these HOCD/ SO-OCD about 12 years ago but the HOCD went and the ROCD came back and forth. I did previously last year have a Fear of death of my children with alligators going on holiday after reading a bad article in Florida which lasted few months. Briefly Started with ‘R-OCD’ again but went pretty quickly. Am I good enough for my partner? Is she going to leave me? What if she finds someone else? Though I saw a picture of a good looking male on a social media which my Brian instantly questioned if I was gay, panic and anxiety which lead to which I think is SO-OCD and HOCD. An obsession is an unwanted and unpleasant thought, image or urge that repeatedly enters my mind, causing feelings of anxiety, disgust or unease. A compulsion is a repetitive behaviour or mental act that you feel you need to do to temporarily relieve the unpleasant feelings brought on by the obsessive thought. I’m stuck in obsessive doubt around my sexual identity, even though I say that deep down i know what my sexual identity is but even this is being questioned at the minute and I want to cry. I have always, always been interested in women. That much I would say I had a sex addiction. My attraction to the opposite sex has pretty much disappeared. I have a fleeting thought of attraction which will set off a cascade of doubt and terror which some thoughts/ feelings make me physically sick. I’m scared of going out in public or even looking at people especially men for the fear of false attraction. I try to do ERP when I do have moments but it makes me want to be sick. My brain feels like it’s in a clamp and I can’t stop the constant thoughts. It feels like something is my head has stopped or not working correctly. Even at night. Every time I wake my chest seems to feel strange and the thoughts are suddenly there. I’ve tried ERP but it makes me want to be sick even when it subsides. I am still continuing this but I feel so drained. I just want to be myself again who I was 3 months ago. I hate that this has happened and I feel that I can’t cope, can’t be the husband I want to be, can’t be the father I want and was. These are my main issues at the moment; false attraction to pretty much any male even voices, decrease attraction in opposite gender, severe anxiety, I can’t sleep or eat, constant thoughts 24/7 and scenarios, groinal responses, seavere recriminatory thinking, I hate myself, I even have false attraction to myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I just want to be the husband and father I was a few months ago!
- Date posted
- 14w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
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