- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I also kinda became addicted to the porn (tmi) whilst touching myself , it was mainly because I was bored all the time. I even started to kinda get lesbian dreams but it wasn’t involving myself it was like if I was watching porn live. But nothing to do with me in it.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Also i totally relate to feeling ugly. For me that started when hocd came. I just stopped feeling feminine and pretty like i used to. The weird thing is that when my selflove went down, i noticed people stopped calling me pretty and i didnt got hit on as much anymore. That all really ruined how i felt about myself. Im now obsessed with looking good and men hitting on me and i want every boy to think im pretty its sooo freaking stupid. I really hate that i do that i wish i was as careless as i used to. It really ruined my dreams and my passion for the future. I want to see the future as a positive thing again and not as something i look up against. I also freaking hate thinking about woman in any other way than just friends. I hate it i just want to be comfortable around them like i used to and not rhink of them sexually its so disgusting and unpure for me personally. Anyway imma build my way up there i promise that to myself
- Date posted
- 5y ago
OMG i feel the same. like i don’t feel feminine anymore, i feel like...sloppy. idk it’s hard to describe.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Exacrly just sloppy and like empty. I dont feel like a boy or something but like i dont ejoy fashion and makeup like i used to. I jusr get dressed bc i have to and i want to look good but only for society but i take 0,0 joy out it these days. I hate that its bevause of hocd and not because im just not that into those things anymore. I know deep down i still love those things but hocd just kills every positive thing
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hocdgirlsummer yes! yes! exactly! you put it into words.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I totally 100% understand what you are going through. I came across lesbian porn when i was 11 and most likely became addicted. It’s one of my biggest regrets, as I think that it’s the key factor that keeps my HOCD going. It’s tough. Girl if you ever need to talk I’m here for you, i totally understand how you are feeling. We got this ??
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I also regret it so much. I wish I never stumbled onto it. Since then it’s just been chaos. Thank you so much! It’s nice to know your not alone! I really appreciate that!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@Chloejade97 Of course! (:
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Damn im the exacr same as yall. I wish we could just say: i like lesb porn im still into men period and just stop stressing about it like we didn when we were 11. As i got older i just thought it was weird i watched lesbian porn and enjoyed it, thats where my hocd started too. Since then the attraction to men has just been gone and theres no proof right now that im straight other than that ive never ever in my life have beenn in love with a girl or felt the same feelings for a girl like i didnfor a boy. Being in love is like heaven for me and in all this time not liking boys anymore i havent fel anybting like it for a girl. It HAS to mean something. Im scared i ruined my attravrion for men forever.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah truly if i dont like it why cant i just be confident in that. Whay do i have to analyze it over and over. I jusr cant stop myself from doing it. I cant imagine how it must be to finally hear yhe boy u liked likes u back and exacrly at that point u ger hocd. I wish u lots of luck and u will conquer this!
- Date posted
- 5y ago
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- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah ugh ik scared i will never fall genuinly in love with a boy just for him without having to analyze and reassure all the time. I miss the old me so much...
- Date posted
- 5y ago
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- Date posted
- 5y ago
I do make YouTube videos! I wanted to help others with hocd. Thank you so much, for saying that! I can really understand that! It must of been hell for you :( hocd is so horrible.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@Chloejade97 Hey whats ur channel :)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hocdgirlsummer It’s “heyitschloejade Vlogs” :)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.
- Date posted
- 10w ago
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
- Date posted
- 9w ago
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
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