- Username
- Chloejade97
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I also kinda became addicted to the porn (tmi) whilst touching myself , it was mainly because I was bored all the time. I even started to kinda get lesbian dreams but it wasn’t involving myself it was like if I was watching porn live. But nothing to do with me in it.
Also i totally relate to feeling ugly. For me that started when hocd came. I just stopped feeling feminine and pretty like i used to. The weird thing is that when my selflove went down, i noticed people stopped calling me pretty and i didnt got hit on as much anymore. That all really ruined how i felt about myself. Im now obsessed with looking good and men hitting on me and i want every boy to think im pretty its sooo freaking stupid. I really hate that i do that i wish i was as careless as i used to. It really ruined my dreams and my passion for the future. I want to see the future as a positive thing again and not as something i look up against. I also freaking hate thinking about woman in any other way than just friends. I hate it i just want to be comfortable around them like i used to and not rhink of them sexually its so disgusting and unpure for me personally. Anyway imma build my way up there i promise that to myself
OMG i feel the same. like i don’t feel feminine anymore, i feel like...sloppy. idk it’s hard to describe.
@empathmind Exacrly just sloppy and like empty. I dont feel like a boy or something but like i dont ejoy fashion and makeup like i used to. I jusr get dressed bc i have to and i want to look good but only for society but i take 0,0 joy out it these days. I hate that its bevause of hocd and not because im just not that into those things anymore. I know deep down i still love those things but hocd just kills every positive thing
@hocdgirlsummer yes! yes! exactly! you put it into words.
I totally 100% understand what you are going through. I came across lesbian porn when i was 11 and most likely became addicted. It’s one of my biggest regrets, as I think that it’s the key factor that keeps my HOCD going. It’s tough. Girl if you ever need to talk I’m here for you, i totally understand how you are feeling. We got this ??
I also regret it so much. I wish I never stumbled onto it. Since then it’s just been chaos. Thank you so much! It’s nice to know your not alone! I really appreciate that!
@Chloejade97 Of course! (:
Damn im the exacr same as yall. I wish we could just say: i like lesb porn im still into men period and just stop stressing about it like we didn when we were 11. As i got older i just thought it was weird i watched lesbian porn and enjoyed it, thats where my hocd started too. Since then the attraction to men has just been gone and theres no proof right now that im straight other than that ive never ever in my life have beenn in love with a girl or felt the same feelings for a girl like i didnfor a boy. Being in love is like heaven for me and in all this time not liking boys anymore i havent fel anybting like it for a girl. It HAS to mean something. Im scared i ruined my attravrion for men forever.
Yeah truly if i dont like it why cant i just be confident in that. Whay do i have to analyze it over and over. I jusr cant stop myself from doing it. I cant imagine how it must be to finally hear yhe boy u liked likes u back and exacrly at that point u ger hocd. I wish u lots of luck and u will conquer this!
*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
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