I was doing so well with my ocd. It went away for two months and I finally felt so on top of it. I felt like recovery was right there. Now it’s back worse than ever and I just feel numb and so upset. The thoughts about being gay are back and they are so intense. I’m staring at every woman I see and her body parts and that makes me feel worse but I can’t stop it. Porn comes up on my twitter and I’m disgusted by it but I feel this need to watch it. It’s like I have too but I really don’t want too. I found lesbian porn when I was 10 years old online and I developed an addiction to it. That right there started my hocd, and I felt like I was gay. I spent all my teenage years watching the porn, and doing you know what, I also spent all those years staring at other girls wanting to look like them so badly. I think maybe that’s why I started watching lesbian porn, in my own way I just wanted to feel like a real woman and be loved by someone. Now I know i was only 10 years old but i was bullied and I never truly felt like I was accepted by kids. They laughed at my appearance and made me so sick. I stopped the lesbian porn when I turned 20. I’m now 22 and I haven’t watched it! I get urges and they make me cry and have panic attacks because I don’t want this. I’m terrified of being gay. And don’t get me wrong I’m not homophobic in the slightest. My sister is bisexual, I have also supported everyone in the lgbt and campaigned as an ally in support for them. But I don’t want to be gay. I know in my heart I am straight. And I think what makes all of this worse is I have body dysmorphia so I feel ugly and disgusting which again ties into why I think I used to watch the porn. Because I wanted to be like those girls who where effortlessly pretty. So as I said I have body dysmorphia and I’m chronically ill. So all these factors make me think that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because I feel ugly and like I’m a burden. I really needed to get all of this out because I feel so disgusting at times with my mind. My mind makes me think that I want to have a pee fetish, and watch porn, and do things to women and I don’t want that? Is there anyone else with hocd goes through this? I also have words pop into my head, like “p*ssy and other words and they are so out of the blue. I just want to feel like me again. I want to feel beautiful and in control again. I just need some help. How do I beat this? I just wanna be me.

I also kinda became addicted to the porn (tmi) whilst touching myself , it was mainly because I was bored all the time. I even started to kinda get lesbian dreams but it wasn’t involving myself it was like if I was watching porn live. But nothing to do with me in it.

Also i totally relate to feeling ugly. For me that started when hocd came. I just stopped feeling feminine and pretty like i used to. The weird thing is that when my selflove went down, i noticed people stopped calling me pretty and i didnt got hit on as much anymore. That all really ruined how i felt about myself. Im now obsessed with looking good and men hitting on me and i want every boy to think im pretty its sooo freaking stupid. I really hate that i do that i wish i was as careless as i used to. It really ruined my dreams and my passion for the future. I want to see the future as a positive thing again and not as something i look up against. I also freaking hate thinking about woman in any other way than just friends. I hate it i just want to be comfortable around them like i used to and not rhink of them sexually its so disgusting and unpure for me personally. Anyway imma build my way up there i promise that to myself

I totally 100% understand what you are going through. I came across lesbian porn when i was 11 and most likely became addicted. It’s one of my biggest regrets, as I think that it’s the key factor that keeps my HOCD going. It’s tough. Girl if you ever need to talk I’m here for you, i totally understand how you are feeling. We got this ??

Damn im the exacr same as yall. I wish we could just say: i like lesb porn im still into men period and just stop stressing about it like we didn when we were 11. As i got older i just thought it was weird i watched lesbian porn and enjoyed it, thats where my hocd started too. Since then the attraction to men has just been gone and theres no proof right now that im straight other than that ive never ever in my life have beenn in love with a girl or felt the same feelings for a girl like i didnfor a boy. Being in love is like heaven for me and in all this time not liking boys anymore i havent fel anybting like it for a girl. It HAS to mean something. Im scared i ruined my attravrion for men forever.

Yeah truly if i dont like it why cant i just be confident in that. Whay do i have to analyze it over and over. I jusr cant stop myself from doing it. I cant imagine how it must be to finally hear yhe boy u liked likes u back and exacrly at that point u ger hocd. I wish u lots of luck and u will conquer this!

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