Looking back on things hurts

When I think back on bad memories or mistakes I've made when I was younger, I wish I could start all over again. Sometimes, it gets to a point where I'll start to imagine using a permanent solution. That bothers me even more, honestly. A year ago, I didn't think about these memories daily, weekly, or even monthly. If they did cross my mind, they didn't dictate who I am as a person, then or now. I've been trying really hard not to confess or research because I don't want to go back to that point in my life where it's all I did every single day. I don't want to end things. I'm just tired :(

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

I’m sorry this is so hard for you right now. I’m proud of you for resisting your urges to confess or research. It may not feel helpful now, but in the long run it will. Do you try to work on accepting your mistakes?

nae nae

Date posted: 25w

I do try accepting my mistakes, but I'm always questioning whether I'm doing it the right way or not. I know there's probably not a "right way," but I can't help but feel there is. I've apologized to people (which turned into a compulsion lol) even though they told me I didn't need to. I've mostly accepted that it's in the past, and I can't change it, but it still finds a way to sneak up on me.

dee012

Date posted: 25w

In the same boat :( it will be okay. Your past doesn’t define you at all. People make mistakes all the time, it’s all about learning from it and doing better and not doing it again. It’s okay and it will be okay! Ever since my OCD diagnoses from im assuming a really bad flare up almost 4 years ago, it’s just been worrying about stuff I never found myself worrying about before that. Things will get better and this isn’t permanent nor do you deserve to do those permanent solutions to yourself but I understand why those thoughts come up, ocd is hard to deal with. Thank you for staying even though you are tired. You are strong and resilient and even then you can still have setbacks but it’s all about how you move through them. This community appreciates you!🩷 Sending love and healing

nae nae

Date posted: 25w

Thank you, Dee. I really appreciate you more than I can properly express 🥹 I've noticed the same thing within myself; worrying about things I never worried about before all this. I think I've struggled with OCD for a long time, but it hasn't been this active, and I'm still learning how to live again after receiving the diagnosis. But, it's true. Things will get better. I've been through worse with my OCD. Looking back on things just brings down my mood a bit sometimes. Thank you again. It means a lot. As always, wishing you infinite amounts of love and happiness 🤍

dee012

Date posted: 25w

@nae nae Of course!! And I understand that, the whole looking back and feeling down. It’s normal, and honestly I feel like it’s healthy to be able to recognize something was a mistake and you would do differently if you could go back, but you can’t so you acknowledge the mistake and move on. And u do better and take care of yourself. I feel like that’s good! It’s just ocd tends to use that and make it unhealthy. Literally making you self loathe sometimes and just have inappropriate guilt. Like unhealthy amounts of it, and obviously it’s easy to fall into that sometimes because who WANTS to be happy for their mistakes? You know? But hey, maybe you can be happy you have the wisdom you do now from your past, good or bad. ☺️ the wisdom will continue to expand as you go on in life, and you will look back at this moment as something small. Infinite amounts of love and happiness to you as well💞😊

bkelp213

Date posted: 22w

Can’t function for all my guilt

I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞

Book lover❤️

Date posted: 20w

Childhood past.

Does anyone deal with rumination with their childhood past mistakes. Deep down I know I didn’t know any better but then I start having thoughts and it gets worse after that. I also recently have dealt with death in the family, started my period, started college and just moved to my own apartment this last month. :-/ I genuinely just wish I could let go of my past I feel like I could be a better person for myself mentally if I could just let it go.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 19w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

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Looking back on things hurts

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