eughhh

looked up some controversy involving a youtuber that received allegations & one of those involved minors. you already know. what did I do? submit to a compulsion and tried to compare the doings of that youtuber to mine. checking to see if I had done the same thing. then overthinking about a lot of things. read one sentence of a comment and immediately felt a flare up. had to close the website I was using (reddit) to calm down before my mind gave me horrible thoughts. I am tired of this. like I know what I like: adults. specifically older men. YET WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING SO MANY THINGS TO MYSELF??? WHY DO I ARGUE SO MUCH WHEN DEEP DOWN I KNOW WHO I AM???? why me?

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 24w

Because OCD is the doubting disorder. In that, you will never have enough reassurance or certainty, but you have this inner pull to try, just one more time, to achieve it. OCD has a powerful Siren's song! It keeps trying to lure you in. But, alas, it never gives you what it promises and you are still both unsatisfied at the lack of assurance as well as angry at yourself for being fooled again. I liken this to Charlie Brown when he sees Lucy holding the football. Once he sees that, there is this inner drive that he has to kick the ball, and Lucy pulls it up every time. OCD is like Lucy, offering something tempting, but never delivering and always leaving you frustrated for not achieving the goal.

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

The nature of OCD is to throw doubt at you, to make you question yourself and your values, and to hold tight to any kind of “what if?” I understand the feeling of exhaustion with OCD. Intrusive thoughts can be so relentless and distressing. But you acknowledged you gave in to a compulsion, and that it didn’t help. You closed the website before you went further into a spiral. That’s still progress. Be kind to yourself. This disorder is not easy in the slightest. The more you argue with OCD, the more you use logic against it, the more you try to convince yourself that you aren’t what your thoughts say - the stronger OCD gets. I struggled with this for years. Do you work with an ERP therapist?

Andrea Wells

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Why? Because OCD. The doubt is endless and relentless. It will keep going no matter how many times you check things, compare yourself to others, or try and reassure yourself. I am sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's so frustrating and scary. ERP and accepting uncertainty is what sets you free.

genicrop09

Date posted: 13w

21+ only

TW: porn mentioned When I was younger around 18-19 or maybe younger, I stumbled across some porn labeled as 'teen'. I don't remember if I watched it or get scared away by 'teen', but I then searched for porn something like '18-teen years old', I wanted to make sure it was legal. Now I'm spiraling that I did it because I wanted to see someone younger. Or what my intentions could possibly be? It happened for once or I cannot remembered searching something similar ever again. I've always preferred bigger more masculine men, but why I did that then? I had active porn addiction since I was 9 or I'm afraid younger, watched some things that I regret watching... And now I'm 23 and don't watch it all for like 3 years, because I found out that it was unethical. When I was little I preferred BDSM porn and everyone was very mature and I did not watched anything questionable with real people, but some weird fictional stuff, but didn't like it. Now that I remember this I'm very confused and don't know how to continue living with that. I'm just done...

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

Givenup

Date posted: 13w

Pocd and youtubers

Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p*dophilic activity and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... In an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... i stopped and blocked her after she told me the second time... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I keep getting this gut feeling in my stomach that i "flirted" with the younger one that I vented to, who i blocked after she told me twice she was uncomfortable about me venting about my 18+ hocd situations... i didnt ever vent to them for malicious intent... I was trying to get reassurance for my hocd... Plus my pocd keeps saying I cant have any opinions online because of my pocd and real events ocd situations and that Im not a good person so I cant say anything online... Also i keep getting intrusive thoughts of people labelling me as a P and a MAP in the future because of these pocd real events... And i keep getting intrusive thoughts of being outcasted and "cancelled" online when someone "exposes" me for my POCD and real events OCD...

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

eughhh

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community