harm ocd during intimacy

18+ i was having intimacy with my lover. i was frustrated and i had a thought like "hurt her physically", i think i Remember not agreeing with it. i didn't hurt my lover they were fine they never felt hurt physically, but im afraid i might have done some action with the intention to hurt them but maybe i wasn't violent enough? idk. i don't remember any action with that intention so that's that. it happened like a couple of hours ago and im afraid i forgot about it. also, i get anxious because sometimes when i have intrusive thoughts i kind of act on it? not as in like doing what the intrusive thoughts tells me, but something similar that is better in a way? like today i had a thought like "grope your lover in public" but instead of doing that i just squeezed their waist. so idk im afraid i might have done something similar here

dee012

Date posted: 23w

I understand this, the last part , about acting on it, it’s sortve like doing it to neutralize or cancel out the intrusive thought/feeling etc

aaanonymous

Date posted: 23w

i understand. i don't think i do it as a compulsion? im not sure, sometimes it's more impulsive than anything

dee012

Date posted: 23w

@aaanonymous I feel you

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 23w

I have experienced this with cuteness aggression toward my pets (the same thought *maybe I just wasn’t violent enough* when my puppy was perfectly fine) It feels like we acted on a thought, but you haven’t actually acted on any thought. What happened is that your compulsions, being hyper-aware of your actions and squeezing her waist in response to an intrusive thought (likely a form of self reassurance and self soothing), make it feel like you did something or were close to acting on it. I’ve had a similar compulsion before. I once had the intrusive thought of aggressively hurting my boyfriend, so instead, I very gently punched and massaged his arm. Your OCD takes these compulsions, which are supposed to relieve anxiety but for many of us, they don’t lol, and twists them into “proof” that you did something wrong or will do something wrong. It makes you feel like you acted or are one step away from acting. OCD lies and distorts. I’m sure you’re mentally replaying both of these events, do your best to stop that because it’s also a compulsion. I know it’s so hard, but I promise you can get through this 🤍

aaanonymous

Date posted: 23w

thank you so much this was very very helpful, it made me feel less alone. my biggest issue is that one of my most painful obsessions is that im capable of COMPLETELY forgetting about malicious actions mere hours later ( or minutes later lol) , so it's so hard in situations like this. logically, i know that my memory is not that bad and that im hyper aware of anything going on inside my head, but it doesn't do much for my anxiety. thank u again tho, this disorder is terrible

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22w

@aaanonymous Yeah I completely understand that, I’m terrified I’ll like grope/injure someone brainlessly or impulsively. Which I know isn’t the same as being scared you’ll forget something malicious but it’s still a sort of brain gap moment I think we fear. It makes me SO hyperaware of anything in my head and my own movements. It just makes anxiety worse but it feels like if you let your guard down, something bad will happen. It’s all probably a lie from OCD. It’s hard, but you’re not alone!!!

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

aaanonymous

Date posted: 23w

really worried about my lover

non explicit nsfw +18 i had a thought like "i should have never doubted that my lover is attracted to me" and for some reason it triggered me, i cant really explain it, but it made me feel like i have done/thought bad things when it comes to our sex life. like, it has happened that at times when they would tell me no i would feel a bit disappointed cus i really enjoy being intimate, but they told me many many many times ( since it's an obsession of mine and i asked for reassurance ) that i never treated them badly or made them feel hurt or obligated when it comes to intimacy. they would break up with me and not want me around in the slightest if I did. I still feel really worried even if I didn't hurt them, but im afraid that i have thought bad things or was toxic about it. idk

Aphid123

Date posted: 22w

Is this even OCD?

Hey so a couple months ago (7-8) I remember being upset at my family member. Like she was talking too much while I was annoyed and remember wanting her to be quiet. I got an intrusive thought like a really bad image of doing something really bad to her, and my hand twitched to the side a little? Like it felt like I was about to?! And I remembered thinking "if I do this, I'll get in trouble". I got up and left to the bathroom and felt horrified! I was thinking "did I want to act out? Did the only reason I didn't act out was because of getting in trouble? If there was no consequences, would have I done it?! Does this mean this whole time I've been using OCD as an excuse?" I remember I couldn't sleep for 3 nights because of how bad the anxiety was, I was crying and I felt very guilty like I should turn myself in to a mental hospital. I couldn't eat for many days or be near her because of that thought and twitch I had! I'm worried it was an impulse or I actually wanted to hurt her. And even to this day I still ruminanate about this. Like last night I couldn't sleep well I kept waking up every two hours and asking myself "am I capable?" I couldn't eat last night. Sometimes I move on from it like I forget that happened but when I remember, I feel distressed about it! I don't want to be an evil person or do bad actions towards anyone! I'm even scared to be angry because of this because I'm scared I have more "chance" of acting out due to anger. Like was it an impulse and I held back? Is this even OCD? Please help, I'm really scared!

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harm ocd during intimacy

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