OCD/Trauma/Depression

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small

My OCD is directly tied to my PTSD from being hospitalized in the past. I feel incredibly alone because of this. I’m 26 and was hospitalized twice - once when I was 14 for an eating disorder, where I experienced solitary confinement and SA. Then again when I was 22 for depression, where I was “cold-turkey” from one of my medications and almost had a heart attack. I’m traumatized because of these events and struggle with “insanity OCD” that directly ties into my trauma where I get terrified I’ll “lose control” and do something that will cause me to be hospitalized against my will and taken away from my loved ones. I’m scared to even seek therapy or reach out. If anyone has similar experiences/lived experience I’d greatly appreciate your guidance. Please forgive any grammatical errors; I’m not in the best state of mind rn.

Good morning! I’ve been diagnosed with OCD for 5 years now, but just began looking for help with therapy. I’ve been well regulated on SSRIs for 5 years, but since my husband got laid off, we moved to a new state, I took a new job in a new field, and we are living with my parents at the moment, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and OCD. Im maxed out on my SSRI, and I also want to push myself to find answers for myself without turning to medication, because with big life changes, I’ve always increased the dosage and never addressed the issues at hand with ERP/coping. I have anxiety everyday while at work. Obsessive thoughts of “am I anxious right now?” “Will I ever feel better?” “Is treatment working?” “Can I do this?” “Am I scared to be alone?” “Am I truly happy here?” These thoughts send me into a space where I’m crying at my desk, struggling to get through the day, and feeling no self confidence. I’m not content with just being in the process and I’m struggling to acknowledge anxious thoughts without ruminating or trying to fix them- I want answers and fixes now and I’m so scared I’ll never feel or get better. Any advice? It’s messy - it’s not straight up OCD, but it also doesn’t feel like generalized anxiety.