Why is love so hard?

I have been broken so many times that i dont even know. Every person i was with cheated on me and just been the worst to me which got to one point that i wanted to kill myself but now i have a boyfriend that i have been for one year and a half but he has been acting weird. I check his phone and look for things i dont find nothing. He goes to the park with his cousin that is a baddddd influence on him like really bad and he hasnt been being good with me and i just dont understand what im doing wrong. I tell him stop hanging out with that cousin and that i would hang out with him everyday and we could go out. But right now he is acting weird and is with his cousin and he is ignoring me and now i have no one to talk to until he stops being with his cousin and that is very very bad that he is ignoring me just because he is with him… i cant anymore i dont know what to do. I am a jealous gf and he is a jealous bf and we are both protective and everything but i feel like everything is going wrong… help please someone…

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22w

Our partners are their own people. At the beginning of my relationship, I also thought I could replace all of my boyfriend’s influences, whether they were bad, good, or neutral. Looking back, that was not the most mature mindset. He does not just need a girlfriend. He needs his friends, his family, and anyone else he chooses to have in his life. As partners, we can advise them and talk to them about things that might not be the best, like bad habits, whether that is getting intoxicated, robbing people, or whatever else we do not see eye to eye on. Of course, this varies from couple to couple because personally, if my boyfriend was out robbing people, he would *not* be my boyfriend lol. But we have to understand that they are not ours to control or customize, if that makes sense. Love is about commitment, devotion, support, and understanding. Love is about loyalty and choice. The choice to be with each other. The choice to love each other even when you do not always *like* each other. And I do not mean you loathe each other. I mean there are days when you do not see eye to eye, and maybe you feel bitter toward your boyfriend, like you just do not like him in that moment. But you know it is temporary. Love is also built on trust, and if you feel like you need to check his phone, that does not sound like there is much trust. I would honestly reevaluate your relationship and your role in his life. I get it. I am a jealous partner too, and so is my boyfriend. We are both protective, but we also respect each other’s space and personal lives while sharing them because love is also about respect. Past relationships can influence how we see love, how we act, and how we think, but they do not have to define everything. If your boyfriend is acting weird, sit down and talk to him. Tell him what you have noticed and ask him what is going on. You are allowed to make whatever decisions you need to in your life, just as he is. And if you think it is best to go your separate ways, you should. If he feels that way, that is his right too. Communication is truly key in relationships. I know I am saying a lot, but I kinda see OCD here in the form of rumination. But that rumination could be fueled by a real problem. I can’t say for sure. Maybe him acting weird is just a distortion, or maybe something is genuinely going on, and you really need to sit down with him and talk about it.

Nessa.

Date posted: 22w

@issphra 🫶🏻 That didnt really help but he is with his cousin and he wont even text me at all and he isnt even doing anything he is ignoring me and talking shit behind my back with his cousin and its rude and he shouldnt be like that with me. He is really acting different and its just weird how he is acting like that. We made plans for tomorrow and now he canceled becaude he doesnt want do anything anymore and he wants to be with his cousin how the fuck. Would i be ok if he canceled our plans after we planned for 2 weeks then canceled for no reason. And he wont talk to me(ignoring me) and doesnt wanna hangout and is making excuses not to hangout rn so how tf am i going to sit down and talk to him??

A🌼

Date posted: 22w

@issphra 🫶🏻 Hi issphra, I’m not the original poster, but I wanted to thank you for taking the time to write this. You seem really wise, and I think I really needed to read it. I see the effort you put into your replies ❤️

A🌼

Date posted: 22w

@Nessa. Nessa, I understand that you’re feeling upset and hurt, but I don’t think it’s fair to be harsh, especially after issphra took the time to share her thoughts with you. Just because the advice didn’t match what you wanted to hear doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable. Relationships are complicated. Maybe take a moment to reflect on how you’re responding to others. It really seems like you’re directing your anger toward the wrong person. Best of luck with your relationship.

Nessa.

Date posted: 22w

@axxel Then she didnt really have to reply and also i was just saying it didnt really help because close to the end sounded kinda rude so.

A🌼

Date posted: 22w

@Nessa. It didn’t sound rude to me, it was sound advice. You can’t fix relationship problems without communicating. She was also being careful to not give advice that would feed any potential OCD involvement in this. I honestly think you were a bit unkind and harsh. And you’re right she didn’t have to reply, but you were begging for someone to help and she took the time to try because no one else had yet

#Lexiriri

Date posted: 22w

@issphra 🫶🏻 This was really important and solid advice! It can be hard when OCD and trauma come into play, but our partners are their own people who have their own lives and they deserve to live their lives it doesn’t mean they love us any less. Something I was told that may help was think of your favorite food, do you want to have that food for every single meal every single day? No of course not, you would probably get absolutely sick of it if you did that. But does that mean it’s not your favorite food? Also no! Relationships are similar you might be your partner’s most favorite person in the world, but that doesn’t mean that they want to spend every second of everyday with and just because they don’t doesn’t mean you aren’t still their favorite person. OP I really recommend you also speak with a therapist about what you’re experiencing as well if you can, from what you’re saying it sounds like maybe this is more than just OCD.

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 19w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

Ocdhelp__

Date posted: 16w

HELP PLEASE.

I don’t know where to begin, this is going to be very long. But whoever responds I appreciate you dearly. I’m 20 years old, I’ve dealt with a lot in my childhood with abandonment and insecurity issues from my family. Aswell of not having a role model of a healthy relationship shown to me as a child. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, my first healthy relationship. Last year I discovered OCD (I am diagnosed but I ignored my mental health as a teenager like anybody would) I started to get these feelings that I don’t love my partner/he’s not attractive enough/ etc etc. I’ve discovered that it’s ROCD. I made threads on Reddit asking for advice googling for reassurance, all the things as one would do with ocd (as I’m doing now!) One day I woke up and that theme was gone, I felt normal in my relationship for about 4 months with no terrible thoughts. As of about 2-3 months ago, my theme switched. Now I have a fear he doesn’t love me, he’s cheating, he doesn’t want to marry me. It has utterly consumed me (just like my last theme!) I check his phone an unhealthy amount (guess what I never find anything!) He always lets me go through his phone, but as anyone would he gets annoyed and frustrated. I always am searching for signs if he’s acting weird, will get into arguments 24/7 because my brain keeps telling me he’s cheating, I get fake scenarios in my brain, hell I even bought Snapchat+ to stalk his snap score. But ever single time I find nothing. A lot of things trigger me and I over analyze everything, phone calls who his texting. When I do search his phone I check his EMAIL because of how paranoid I am. When I see things on social media about people cheating I SPIRALLLL But what really triggered me was this scenario, his family loves to joke around with me and mess with him at the same time, especially with our relationship, saying I have a leash on him etc etc making jokes (which I can take but when I’m in an ocd spiral and they have no idea something’s are triggering) anyways, we were out to lunch and his mother texts him “are u at some girls house” he told me straight away then responded “why would u say that” then she proceeded to say she’s messing around with him. And sent a picture of me and said I’m with Hailey at lunch, then they had a normal conversation after. Obviously this sent me into a spiral, it still bothers me. I was so upset and anxious, when we got back to his house I went through that man’s phone like it was my only job in the world. And I search EVERYTHING not one thing goes untouched. (I sound insane) anyways we went back to his place, then he called his mom to come in his room and asked why she said that, she felt guilty and said she was messing around she had her hands in her head (mind you she’s been drinking probably just messing around with him when she texted that) she told me not to worry ever about that kind of stuff because her son is not that type of man, she proceeded to leave the room then texted me about how sorry she was and didn’t mean to freak me out and felt like shit about it. Ever since then she’s been acting kind of weird towards me (not really) maybe she’s uncomfortable or there’s another women idk LOL. Anyways yea what the hell do I do I literally can’t function properly.

Relationship OCD

chasingpearl

Date posted: 18d

Idk if really love my partner

I don’t know if I love him. I don’t think I do. I want to. I want to so fucking bad. I loved him. Before this I loved him so deeply we were such a good match but lately. Maybe just the past month were either fighting or not talking. Ik all couples go through rough patches. But this feels more. I wanan work through this. Ik all the problems are my fault. The jealousy, the resentment, the anger. It’s all on me. I’m the problem. But idk how to fix it. Idk how to stop being mad when he talks abt spending time with his friends. Idk how to stop being sad when he leaves to hang out with them. Idk how to not cry myself to sleep when he wants alone time. I wanna be with him. I want this relationship. But the good is so few and far between. The laughter and smiles is so fleeting. So much of my time is spent wondering if he hates me or if I hate him. I don’t wanna hate him. I wanna build a life with him. I see a future with him. But idk if I’ll ever truly be happy with him cuz of my jealousy and the fear I don’t love him. I try. I try so hard. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling but it’s so hard to make that choice when my brain tells me he wouldn’t make that choice. When I feel like he hates me and I’m boring him. When I’m insecure I feel so mad and angry that I can’t love him. I can’t feel any good feelings I’m just mad. And I hate it. I want us to be happy but I just know he likes being around them more. I just know I’m a chore to him. And I hate it. I love him. I love his beautiful face and his laugh. I love when we’re happy and good. And ik relationships require sticking it out through the bad. But I feel so guilty and so mad at the same time. I think abt are future and this pit is in my stomach and idk if it’s cuz im rlly anxious rn cuz i feel like he doesn’t love me or cuz i really don’t wanna be with him. I wanna be with him. I want him so fucking much. And I care abt him. But the constant questioning of my feelings and his feelings is driving me crazy. Idk what’s real and what’s fake. This relationship feels doomed and if it is idk if I’m gunna be able to handle the breakup. I love him. I care abt him. I want us to be together forever. I wanna grow old with him. But idk how to stop the bad feelings. How to stop the anxiety and anger. I just wanna love him and he love me. I pray for it every night and I try to be a good person but I’m so jealous and scared I keep ruing it. Idk what I want from this. Reassurance ig. Like can our relationship survive what’s happening? Is there a way to get better? To stop being jealous of him doing things without me. I don’t wanna become a bitter hateful gf. I just want us to be together and happy. Ik love is a choice not just a feeling. Ik you have to choose your partner every day even when you don’t want to and it sucks. But I’m so tired of feeling this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I wanna be happy in this relationship. Ik deep down he’s the one for me. Ik I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m with him. But idk if I truelly love him or if I’m just scared of losing all that we’ve built. Idk. Has anyone been where I’m at and if so how did you get through it? How do you get through the constant worrying abt both yours and your partners feelings?

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Why is love so hard?

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