i feel so bad

I feel so lost. My boyfriend tries so hard to help me, but nothing seems to work. Every time he reassures me, my mind finds another doubt. He asks me, “So you’ve been questioning if you love me for almost 2 years?” and instead of feeling comforted, my mind jumps to “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him.” I keep telling him every thought that comes to my mind, hoping for relief, but it never lasts. I feel anxious, disconnected, and stuck in this endless cycle. He tells me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t care so much about these thoughts. But still, my brain won’t stop questioning everything. I don’t understand why I feel this way. Why does it feel like I’m forcing something? Why do I feel like I can’t just know how I feel? I want to feel okay. I want to be present with him without analyzing every moment. But no matter what I do, my mind keeps telling me “What if you don’t love him?” I feel like I’m stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what that clarity might mean. It feels so real, and I hate it. I don’t know what to do.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 27w

That’s why reassurance is advised again: it just deepens the doubt and spiral even if it gives you momentary relief. Tell the OCD you do not give a shit if you love him or not because you’re still gonna be with him. You’re still going to support him and root for him. You’re still going to comfort him and try to make him smile. You’re still going to hold his hand, you’re still going to kiss him and hug him. You’re still going to call yourself his girlfriend and let him call you that too. You’re still going to choose him every single day, no matter what intrusive thoughts try to tell you. Because love is a choice, a commitment. And guess what? You are already doing all of that. That is real. That is what matters. So if OCD wants to scream in the background, let it. Let it whine, let it demand answers, let it try to make you doubt. But you? You do not owe it a damn thing. You are still going to love your boyfriend in all the ways that count, whether your brain feels like cooperating or not. That is what makes your love real, not some fleeting feeling, but the way you show up for him, day in and day out. And no intrusive thought can ever take that away. **P.S. YOU ARE CHECKING (compulsion) that only makes the doubt you feel worse.**

Mariabae

Date posted: 27w

@issphra 🫶🏻 thank you so much but as im reading your message i think “what if i dont want to support him and hug him and be for him, what if i dont want him and im just pretending “

Mariabae

Date posted: 27w

@Mariabae but i guess i shouly let it br there, but i feel like a liar, like this is my truth and i cant stand to accept it

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 27w

@Mariabae Yep, let it be there. I can literally say, “I don’t know if I want a sandwich, but I’m going to make a sandwich,” and OCD can say “what if you don’t want to make the sandwich?” I’m still going to make the damn sandwich. *If* I don’t make the sandwich because of the thought, I’m checking how I feel about not making it. I’m checking to see if I feel an urge to make it, or if it bothers me not to. Tell your OCD, “I guess I’ll never know.” And make the sandwich 🤷🏻‍♀️ The content of your thoughts don’t matter. It’s all just OCD. I hope that silly analogy helped a bit.

Mariabae

Date posted: 27w

@issphra 🫶🏻 he tries to help me, and answers all of my thoughts with “ok so why does it matter” and i respond “bc i dont want it “ and he asks me “and you dont want it because..?” and i say “bc i want to love you” using logic to explain that i care and bc i want to love him it means that i do. but i still feel bad and my head tells me that i just had a lot of expectetion on this relationship and that im trying to deny the fact that i dont like him. he also told me once that im not disgusted by him and something like that and i starter to think i am disgusted and i cant stand him and i feel like rejecting him, and that he gives me the ick. i feel si strange nothing can make me feel good. im sorry for bothering you with my problems

Mariabae

Date posted: 27w

@issphra 🫶🏻 and also when he tells me something about his struggles and his problems and what is on his head i seem so uninterested and i don’t know what to tell him because im questioning my feelings and my reactions so much and i feel so bad about this

justtryingmy...

Date posted: 27w

“I feel stuck between wanting clarity and being terrified of what clarity might mean. It feels so real and I have it.” You just put to words how so many people with OCD feel! The longer I deal with my ROCD, the more I realize how ‘self centered’ I am in the way that I think about things. I can imagine that, like me, if you were to see someone else posting what you had posted, you’d probably think “they have ocd, of course! Those are clear ocd symptoms and there shouldn’t be any fear in finding clarity because it’s so clearly ocd”. But for us, we think we’re the exception. It’s easy for us to look at other people and be like ok yeah that’s definitely ocd, but when we look at ourselves and our relationships, we think “ok well my situation is different”. We’re constantly telling others that they are okay, that what they’re feeling is okay and normal, and that they have no reason to be scared. But we can’t do that for ourselves, because we genuinely and wholeheartedly believe that our OCD is different… that mayyyyybe it’s actually not ocd at all. Does that make sense? Sometimes thinking about that helps me when I’m in a sticky place and am having a hard time with my ROCD.

Mariabae

Date posted: 27w

@justtryingmybest exactly, it feels like its different in my case but if i see another subtype i can tell it is ocd for them, but we all have the core fear in us and that real feeling that gets us so bad

Mariabae

Date posted: 22w

someone respond

My boyfriend just poured his heart out to me. He told me how much pain he’s in — how disconnected he feels from me, how hurt he is that we’re not intimate, that I don’t react to his love, that we don’t feel like a couple anymore. He said things that should’ve broken my heart… but I felt nothing. Nothing. And now I’m terrified. Not just scared — destroyed by the thought that maybe I really don’t love him, and I’ve just been lying to myself this entire time. I keep thinking: “If I loved him, wouldn’t I feel something?” “Why didn’t I cry? Why didn’t I reach for him? Why didn’t I say ‘I’m sorry’?” “What kind of person listens to someone they care about and feels absolutely nothing?” I feel like I’ve been fighting this for so long — like I’ve spent months, maybe even years, battling the same thoughts over and over again: “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “You want to want him — but you don’t.” And what makes it worse is that everyone around me says the same thing: “Maybe you’re forcing it.” “You can’t control how you feel.” “If you’re this confused, that means something.” But what no one seems to understand is that I’ve tried so hard. I didn’t want this. I didn’t choose to become cold. I didn’t choose to stop feeling things. I didn’t want to lose my ability to love — or to connect — or to just exist next to him without questioning every single breath I take. I feel like I’ve become someone else. Someone who doesn’t react. Someone who doesn’t smile when he’s kind. Someone who doesn’t feel warmth when he says “I love you.” But this isn’t who I was. There was a time when I loved hearing his voice. When I looked forward to seeing him. When I felt. And now… nothing. Just this endless cycle of doubt, guilt, numbness, fear, and the horrible thought: “If it feels this real, maybe it is.” I don’t know what this is anymore. I feel like I’m hurting him. And I feel like I’m losing myself, too. And the most terrifying part? I don’t feel anything about that either. But if I truly didn’t care — why does this hurt so much? If anyone else has ever felt like this… please, please tell me I’m not alone. I don’t want this to be the truth. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this.

Mariabae

Date posted: 17w

i cant do it

I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He’s kind, loving, supportive — and I know he loves me deeply. But I can’t feel anything anymore. I sit next to him, and I feel numb. I kiss him, and it feels empty. I remember how I used to feel, and now… nothing. It terrifies me. The worst part is that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I constantly question if I ever loved him, if I’m just forcing things out of guilt or fear. Sometimes I imagine breaking up, and I feel nothing — and that scares me even more. I keep thinking: if I really loved him, wouldn’t I feel it? I’ve read about ROCD. I want to believe that’s what this is. But the thoughts feel so real. And I can’t stop spiraling. My therapist didn’t help — she made me feel like maybe I was lying to myself. My mom either tells me to stop overthinking or gets angry. I have no one to really talk to. If anyone here has been through this — through the numbness, the “what if I never loved him?” thoughts, the feeling like it’s all fake — please tell me how you got through. I’m exhausted. I just want to feel peace again.

Mariabae

Date posted: 16w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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i feel so bad

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