Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

Am I disgusting for this?

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.

Anony1314

Date posted: 5d ago

You are not a predator friend. You feel so guilty too for just being nice back. It's okay and you are okay. You've got this my friend.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@Anony1314 Thank you for your response. I guess I feel like it was more than me just being nice, I feel like I wanted him and other people (mainly guys) to like me and think I’m cute or attractive. I feel like that makes me sick because I knew he was underaged but I still wanted his attention and maybe even encouraged his behavior through my actions. It’s hard to tell if my mind is playing tricks on me or if I truly did flirt with him and if I genuinely do deserve to feel this way. I really hope eventually I’ll be able to live without thinking about this and all the other mistakes I’ve made.

sunbear28

Date posted: 5d ago

You’re not a predator and you actively tried to shut it down even if it was said with a lighthearted tone. It was still a No and he didn’t respect that. And you trying to be cute in a friend group to gain attention isn’t weird, you wanted to be liked. especially in a large group of people. Since you are dating someone I think that attention seeking especially from other men is something you should work on.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@sunbear28 I guess I also just feel bad that I didn’t draw enough of a line between us like I should have as an adult. I feel like I should’ve been more stern. Because I liked that he liked me, even though it did kind of make me uncomfortable because he was so young. I think I might’ve even encouraged his behavior, and I feel like that makes me sick or something. I don’t know. My mind is a mess. I’ve always had a problem with seeking validation from the opposite sex, as well as women (pretty much I like attention from everyone, but especially men) and it’s something I definitely want to work on, especially because I’m in a relationship. Thanks for your response.

sunbear28

Date posted: 5d ago

@Anonymous wether or not you were stern you did draw a line in the end. it doesn’t matter how thick or deep the line is. It is still a line. I cant tell you what to do but as a fellow early 20 year old I think the first step is cutting all contact with him. You can block him or if its easier never respond to him. If you do keep it short answers. The silence should be enough to at least make him uncomfortable enough to stop or feel embarrassed.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@sunbear28 Yeah I haven’t spoken to him in a few weeks or so, and may just end up blocking him. I definitely won’t be responding to him again at the very least. I never had any true affection or liked him, or had any interest in being with him, and I did say countless times that he should stop, that I was nearly a decade older than him, and that I was in a relationship. I just can’t help but beat myself up for it. Thanks for your help and reassurance. I feel a little better about this specific situation talking to you all.

sunbear28

Date posted: 5d ago

@Anonymous no need to beat yourself up over it cause you stated many times how it upsetting it was to you. Just because you tried to be nice doesn’t mean it should be held against you. I wish you the best OP

davisgi24

Date posted: 5d ago

I used to have these kinds of thoughts ALL the time. I know this feels like the end of the world, but I promise it isn’t. Your brain is torturing you because it knows how important it is to you to be a good person. Intrusive thoughts focus on the things we care about the most, and try to convince us that we’ve violated the morals that we believe so much in. You know what kind of person you would never want to be, and your brain is trying to convince you that you are that person. I’m trying not to give too much direct reassurance, because that only makes things worse in the long run. But here are a couple things to consider: you are not special in the OCD world, and I mean that in a positive way. This is SUCH a common obsession, and you need to remind yourself that OCD will try to convince you that this time is different, this time it’s real. But it isn’t. This is no different from any other obsession you’ve ever had. Are you seeing a therapist? I think you might really benefit from ERP.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@davisgi24 Thank you very much for your response. I truly feel certain that I was wrong and that I was definitely flirting and that I was disgusting for seeking attention from him. I also feel bad that I didn’t draw enough of a line between us as an adult like I should have and that I may have even encouraged his behavior in some ways. If I did, doesn’t that make me awful or sick? Flirting with a teenager when you’re an adult is definitely wrong, at least in my opinion, and I don’t know if acting cute and seeking attention constitutes as flirting. I just don’t know anymore, I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. I’m really convinced I’m disgusting even though I know for sure I didn’t hurt anyone and that I’m not a danger to anyone, especially teenagers or children. I know I’m not attracted to them or anything. I don’t know, my mind is a mess right now. I’m scared that I’m going to feel like a predator or feel bad for this forever, and that I’ll never be able to look or hear about a teenager or a child again without thinking about it and feeling awful. Or that I’ll live with this shame forever. Even seeing a teenager on a tv show reminds me of it. I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow, so hopefully I can start the process of getting relief. I feel like I’ve gone against my own morals and values, and I think that’s what’s the most suffocating feeling.

davisgi24

Date posted: 5d ago

@Anonymous I know how insurmountable this feels, and I’m so sorry it’s happening. But let’s say for arguments sake that you did flirt with him. Did you hurt him in any way? Did you do anything to him that is going to cause him pain in the future? No. So even if, and this is a big if, you flirted with him, you are the only person who is hurt here. You didn’t do anything predatory because being a predator requires intent! People who are predators don’t have to wonder if they’re attracted to minors, I promise. The fact that you’re so upset about this proves that you aren’t who you’re worried you are. Try to take a big deep breath and remind yourself that you have not done anything even remotely unforgivable. Nobody is hurt, nobody died, nobody has any trauma that they’re going to carry with them.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@davisgi24 Thank you so much. Words can’t express how much I appreciate your responses. It was really hard dealing with all of this with barely anyone to talk to. You have put a few things into perspective for me, genuinely. I’m sorry to hear you’ve dealt with similar things in the past as well. I’m so miserable I wouldn’t wish these feelings and thoughts on my worst enemy. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me.

davisgi24

Date posted: 5d ago

@Anonymous We gotta stick together :) if we can’t help each other through the crazy, then why did we bother struggling through it at all? I wish you the best on your OCD journey and I hope therapy helps you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d ago

@davisgi24 Totally agree, thank you for being here for me. I wish you the same.

Jack03

Date posted: 11w ago

Is this OCD?

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

anonymous2580

Date posted: 7w ago

Remembering things from my childhood

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5w ago

My Story TW: grooming, pedohilia

Hello, I've struggled with possible OCD but it didn't involved POCD at first, at first it was basically me denying that I was ever a victim of grooming/pedophilia and how I was the real abuser towards my abusers despite the fact that I was the child, they were the adult, how is that possible??. Then eventually in 2023, I saw a video based on a FNF modder exposing him as a groomer/pedophile, and it was because when he was 17 he allegedly had an interaction with someone who was 15 that was nsfw. Now keep in mind, I was a victim of grooming/pedophilia especially since age 11 and even at 17, however I was also a bit of a promiscuous teen due to years of being groomed and I was having nsfw discussions/heavily sex positive convos with people who were 15/16/17 at 17 and I never considered how that could be inappropriate and my intent wasn't to be predatory but the fact that I was just simply exploring my sexuality, also a lot of the people I was doing this with, we were apart of a discord server that heavily encouraged NSFW convos between Teens and adults and it was made by an adult so bad environment overall made by an actual predator. However it didn't stop me in 2023 thinking that I was a pedophile as a teenager and I was genuinely worried and thought that I was a terrible person and I still do. I only did what I did because I was being hurt and thought it was okay, I never meant to hurt anyone and I at 19 literally convinced myself that I was a pedo in my under 18 teen years because of the age gap between me and my friends {1/2 years} and we had conversations that were sexual based even though I at 19 was dating my BF who was 22/23 at the time, I was 19 having sexual convos with adults, I at 19 had friends that were minors and our conversations were always appropriate and never nsfw or those same friends that I had previous convos with that were nsfw, {they were all either 17/18/19 and I was 19} our conversation topics have switched to more SFW ones unlike the ones we had when we were all minors so how could I be a pedo? and I freaked out about it, I couldn't concentrate in classes at all, it was a genuine nightmare. Eventually I did get better and realized that my behaviors were under duress and how I'm not actually a bad person and how I've changed as an adult and do not wish to harm anyone however I'm back on my cycle of worrying again and I've communicated to the people who I thought I affected and they all express no ill will or any anger and were never uncomfortable, do not think about it or just don't care/simply forgot. But Guilt eats me up like a stray dog. I also sometimes see people on twitter calling 17 year olds dating 15 or 16 year olds pedophiles or calling them "P diddy"

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Am I disgusting for this?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community