Tomorrow is our 2-year anniversary, and I feel absolutely nothing.

My boyfriend told me that he feels like he’s losing me, that I’ve changed, and that I don’t seem happy to see him anymore. I know that this should hurt me deeply, but when he said it, I didn’t feel anything. And now I’m terrified. Why didn’t I react? Why didn’t I feel instant sadness or guilt? It’s like I was emotionally blocked, like I didn’t care at all—and that thought is destroying me. What if this means I don’t love him? What if I’ve just been lying to myself and I don’t want to accept the truth? I feel so disconnected and numb. My brain keeps telling me: “If you really cared, you would feel something.” But instead, I feel nothing. And the fact that I feel nothing makes me panic even more. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I used to feel so much, and now it’s like I can’t access my emotions at all. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I just want to feel normal again

I am so tired of this. I feel ashamed of myself. I waited until it was late to post this because I can’t take it anymore. My boyfriend is at my house right now. We saw each other today—he brought me a bouquet of flowers, we went out, and then came back home. But I just couldn’t stop thinking that he was annoying me or that I couldn’t stand him, even though he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I felt irritated and distant the entire time. And when we got home, it got even worse. We ended up arguing because of how distant I was, but I couldn’t help it. All I could think about was that I don’t love him, that I don’t like him, that I’m a liar, and that I’m just pretending when I’m with him. I kept thinking that I’m only with him because I’m used to him and that I just don’t want to accept the truth that I don’t love him. When he hugged me, I couldn’t be present. When we kissed, I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing. He kissed me, and I couldn’t even focus or try to connect with what was happening—I just wanted to cry. I feel like a liar who refuses to accept the truth. I started going to therapy, but I’ve only had one session. My psychologist told me to write in a journal, to reflect on what role fear plays in my life and why I feel so unsettled. I wrote, “The possibility that my thoughts might be true.” But now I just think I’m lying—to myself, to my boyfriend, even to my psychologist—because I want to believe I love him, but my mind tells me I don’t feel anything. I couldn’t even sit comfortably with him, I couldn’t enjoy being in his arms—I just felt sad. I’m so scared that this is real. It feels real. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I feel like I’m lying to everyone. Like I’m in denial. I don’t know how to do this anymore.

My boyfriend just poured his heart out to me. He told me how much pain he’s in — how disconnected he feels from me, how hurt he is that we’re not intimate, that I don’t react to his love, that we don’t feel like a couple anymore. He said things that should’ve broken my heart… but I felt nothing. Nothing. And now I’m terrified. Not just scared — destroyed by the thought that maybe I really don’t love him, and I’ve just been lying to myself this entire time. I keep thinking: “If I loved him, wouldn’t I feel something?” “Why didn’t I cry? Why didn’t I reach for him? Why didn’t I say ‘I’m sorry’?” “What kind of person listens to someone they care about and feels absolutely nothing?” I feel like I’ve been fighting this for so long — like I’ve spent months, maybe even years, battling the same thoughts over and over again: “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “You want to want him — but you don’t.” And what makes it worse is that everyone around me says the same thing: “Maybe you’re forcing it.” “You can’t control how you feel.” “If you’re this confused, that means something.” But what no one seems to understand is that I’ve tried so hard. I didn’t want this. I didn’t choose to become cold. I didn’t choose to stop feeling things. I didn’t want to lose my ability to love — or to connect — or to just exist next to him without questioning every single breath I take. I feel like I’ve become someone else. Someone who doesn’t react. Someone who doesn’t smile when he’s kind. Someone who doesn’t feel warmth when he says “I love you.” But this isn’t who I was. There was a time when I loved hearing his voice. When I looked forward to seeing him. When I felt. And now… nothing. Just this endless cycle of doubt, guilt, numbness, fear, and the horrible thought: “If it feels this real, maybe it is.” I don’t know what this is anymore. I feel like I’m hurting him. And I feel like I’m losing myself, too. And the most terrifying part? I don’t feel anything about that either. But if I truly didn’t care — why does this hurt so much? If anyone else has ever felt like this… please, please tell me I’m not alone. I don’t want this to be the truth. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this.