i dont understand anything

I feel like I understand what you’re going through. I am also in a relationship of a few years and there have been several times where I’ve cut off physical contact because of my OCD, often because I struggle with sexually disturbing thoughts that make intimacy seem disgusting to me. But, it doesn’t last forever, and I talk about it with my partner and they’re very accepting and the whole process helps you move forward. I find relationships to be harder with OCD but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and if your boyfriend cares for you (which I’m sure he does), he wants you to be happy and you should talk to him. It’s hard for people to understand OCD when they don’t have it, but it’s no reason to not communicate what you’re going through. I completely get it and I know what it’s like to feel scared that maybe some of your doubts aren’t OCD but actually you, I wish you the best and I hope it gets better.

I struggle with this a lot too. I think the idea that a "feeling" is enough to make a big decision makes it harder (at least for me). It has helped me a lot to think of love as both a feeling and a choice because the "feeling" comes and goes especially when obsessing, but I choose to stand by someone who is willing to do the same. When I start to overemphasize immediate feelings, I stop doing the work that creates/maintains a good relationship and then blame that on losing feelings which makes it worse. I get what you're saying about worrying that you just aren't accepting the truth, I think about that all the time too. Like the doubts are a sign, but then I remember that most of those feelings and intrusive thoughts I have are unreliable and when I listen to them things get worse. It's so hard to tell the difference between some kind of accurate instinct and intrusive thoughts. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

In reality, it is ok. You say you don't want to hurt him. That's life. We all get hurt, and we all hurt. You hurting your boyfriend, will not be the end of his world. It will hurt. He may be very sad. But his life WILL move on. There could even be good that comes from you breaking it off. For example, he could find a more suitable mate, he could have more time for himself, he wouldn't have to travel as much). I am NOT saying you should break it off. I am saying that if your worst fear is true, it's not nearly as bad as you think. You also didn't waste two years of his life. He is an independent person. You don't control him. He chose to stay. He didn't have to. Don't take his responsibility away from him. You also are not a bad person if you break it off and never loved him. This is not an uncommon thing. Also, let's say this is one 'bad' thing you did. It's a bad thing in what I can imagine is a sea of good and neutral things in your life. One action does not make you a bad person. Every action being bad makes you a bad person. You'd be incapable of doing good. The reason other people "don't understand" is because they are not obsessive about it. They can see clearly from the outside. Now, do I think it's possible this is OCD and that you do love your boyfriend, yes. Because OCD is the ultimate trickster. But in order to know if this is OCD, you must accept that the worse case scenario is NOT the end of the world and that you CAN tolerate it.