Wild

fr 😢💪

Bro Initially coming on here I felt like an outlier. like nobody did the things I did or went through same experiences. I was surprised at how many went through the exact same thing as me. You I assume felt the same. To quote what you say, "just scared, and deeply human" That is best way of describing everyone on here and I couldnt have put it better myself.

@HOY Man, reading your words gave me chills — the good kind. That kind that says “I’m not alone anymore.” You described the exact feeling so many of us carry but never name: the outlier syndrome. And yet, here we are, realizing we’re more connected in our fears and wounds than we ever thought possible. Thank you for echoing back those words. It means more than I can explain. We’re all walking each other home, one honest sentence at a time.

exactly

I am struggling immensely, but thats why speaking of it matters. I can say the same about others like you as I'm grateful to find understanding individuals on here, it helps me see beauty even in the darkest of places

Edit: no specific behavior/compulsion.

yes, its odd

@Mindfulness6060 - For me, there is seemingly two aspects. The first is what I mentioned above and the second, is in fact doubting what I just did - at this point almost everything I do is taken over by these two. However, I noticed that when I put emphasis on something that I deem is important, I realize the two aspects show up. At this current time, things are heightened and I am hyperfocused on most of what I am doing and I am struggling with compulsions because I essentially cannot get certainty or assurance in what I am doing. Whether it be reading, opening and closing doors, opening and shutting lights, etc.

@Mindfulness6060 Yeah this happens to me on the daily. in my case I hyperfocus on anything I think, feel emotionally, and of course my physical sensations. I need to be 100000.1% certain of something. Certainty is like a needle in haystack of thoughts. I became hypervigilant of myself now

@HOY - In my experience, OCD co-existed with anxiety. I would struggle with a lets say fear - the fears I had struggled with for years were mainly STIs and public speaking (unfortunately, now several things), and because I couldn't find resolution or cope until I did for the time being, OCD would heighten and the repetitive behaviors of checking and doing things over and over again would add to the problem and challenge of getting through what seems to be the underlying issue. The anxiety and fear so I always try to get rid of what's worrying me and that I don't have resolution. In conjunction with the checking, and maybe primarily so, the compulsion to try and relieve what's bothering me would happen because the inner conflict and uncertainty would leave me unsettled and disturbed. The obsession to find the solution felt necessary otherwise what am I doing to let it go when I cant function until there is resolution.

@Mindfulness6060 - I feel like ultimately the ebb and flow of OCD corresponds with some kind of fear or anxiety but I suppose the real underlying issue is generally uncertainty and maybe that's what ERP therapy is designed to help us cope and function with certain uncertainties.

@Mindfulness6060 Bruh same, its different for me but its nearly 80% the same experience. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before this, anxiety initially for me was nervousness. This was 6-7 years ago. I draw/create stuff, which was one of the few coping mechanisms. but immediately after, I became obsessive over anything that I perceived as a threat to me or my hobbies. or anything I liked in general, and I would check any or all social medias of things people would say. I did this either to desensitize myself to these things, or to voice my opinions toward them. I want to feel just right, or "balanced" with this. If I didnt do it, it would bother me whenever I was distracting myself with something I liked. "I have to get rid of these (things) that are worrying me" I would think, and thats how my checking/reassurance compulsions would go about. It could be due to me being easily offended, but I noticed that really I was trying to offend myself, to desensitize myself. but if it didnt work, I would combat against it instead. I was trying to find common ground. This lasted about 3 years, and I did it nearly daily, barely I was able to find relief. I ended up even installing a site/app blocker and blocked pretty much any site, that I would frequent for this. This all toned down cause now I'm experiencing POCD, so things have gone even more south for me.

@Mindfulness6060 Thats why I plan to try ERP once I meet my OCD therapist

@HOY - Yea, it seems like when we break down from not getting the control we need with something we lose control in general - lose confidence in ourselves because of it and things just overall seem to be hard. The last time I got to where I am now, I had a sortve anchor (joy) that allowed me to be distracted with something while I find my way out of the hole. Even after I find some sortve resolution - if it took a while to, at that point I was already in a depression so I would need some time for time to go by so the fresh emotions of pain etc can go away and the experience is distant. I am currently trying to learn, hopefully a therapist can assist, to function better with some unresolved issues but I still need resolution at some point. With that being said, I can relate to all: attachment to interests, trying to get rid of or detach myself from anything that would cause loss in one shape or form, and for sure tried to desensitize myself - my way of exposure therapy. I specifically tried to desensitize myself from emotional pain very recently with a woman partly because I thought it would help me in the long term from insecurities I have with women and help me deal with rejection but I find welcoming that emotional pain is not helpful. It didn't empower me. It didn't strengthen me. It caused me more heart ache. It made me angry and bitter and deep down hurt. I think we need to find another way of experiencing rejection in a more healthier way. I think it would just bring the worst out of us by taking it at the attempt to control it. I found building confidence in myself or understanding myself and others more alleviated or removed the impact of rejection. I am still quite sensitive when it comes to romantic relationships with people which is why I struggle to get into one. The fear of STIs and infecting others is another reason and I am not even active. It's a phobia I have. POCD is pedophilia phobia?

@Mindfulness6060 yes pocd is pedophilia phobia