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- 5y
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- 5y
Anxiety has a way of making you think this will be a permanent thing- it will not be. Try to separate yourself from the thoughts and realize that they are not you, they are your anxiety
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Thank you!
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I'm honestly in the same exact boat as you girl. Just know you're not alone.
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I feel like this is how the rest of my life is going to be. ?
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@Ocdandme123 Same. It's truly terrifying. Are you seeing a therapist?
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@NocturnalGyal Yes! And been out on cymbalta and Ativan for my panic attacks and to help me sleep. I haven’t been sleeping because I just lay there and worry.
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@Ocdandme123 Yup. I just started my medication. The anxiety got way worse and so did the thoughts. Now I'm just so emotionally numb and indifferent to everything and that scares me because I feel so disconnected from my bf. Which feeds the HOCD so much ?? is it CBT or talk therapy?
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@NocturnalGyal Exactly! I’m so numb and it’s almost giving me relationship ocd because now I’m questioning if all of this is happening because I’m not meant to be with him or something. Which is awful cuz I’ve always felt he was the one and I still want to be with him for forever:( I believe it’s just talk therapy but I’m aware I need to see someone more aware of ocd and is trained in ocd.
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@Ocdandme123, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I really haven't dealt with this type of OCD , but have dealt with almost every other type. All I can say is thoughts are just thoughts, it's just the fear of what they mean that is causing anxiety. If you have a thought that makes you anxious address it like you would a bully , agree with it by saying yup that's true, I'm going to do that ( sarcastically, like talking back to a bully, not bc it's true). Also if you've made out with other friends, who cares, I had a friend in college who kissed a girl and I heard her telling the guy she was seeing to show off. She was perfectly straight and is happily married. What your friend said if it's causing such extreme anxiety, it's OCD and they told you something trying to help but we're in the wrong. I'm not a doctor so just my opinion.
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Of course, sorry your struggling though . If you're avoiding and not seeing a therapist, you may want to expose yourself little by little with the help of a doctor. One more thing , if working with a doc and facing the situation, remember what you feel and your thoughts are caused by OCD/fear, not some other reason . When facing your fear this might be an example of the internal dialog you could use( check with your doc, I used this in my therapy),I'm going to see this person today and might be scared but anything I feel is caused by false messages to my brain and that's ok, I don't have to be afraid of what I feel/ think( I know it can be uncomfortable) and just let that feeling pass through, don't fight it and keep going on with what you're doing
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Yes I’ve been seeing a therapist for about a month now. I’ve seen her roughly 5 times so I’m going a lot because I need it and will hopefully help. But I think I need to see someone more specialized in ocd or even hocd. Someone with more experience in this stuff.
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Yes I’ve been told to just accept the thoughts and they will eventually not cause the fear you get from it now. And yes before, I never had a problem with it at all. I would laugh and say omg I’ve made out with so many girls blah blah. But now I can’t even think about being alone with a girl. It’s so scary of what I would feel or think. It’s just crazy how this wasn’t a thing ever before and now it’s eating me alive. Thank you for your input though!
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OCD specialist is definitely the best route. You should check out Chrissie Hodges, she's a peer support specialist and can direct you to a good OCD doctor. ERP therapy can be a bit tough so if you aren't comfortable with a doc always remember you have a choice with the pace you take and doctor you decide to stay with. Good luck to you!!
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Thanks so much!!
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Oh I’ve watched a couple of her YouTube videos! How do I contact her?
Related posts
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- 14w
I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(
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- 13w
I’ve always been straight my whole life and I’ve never considered being different nor have i ever had attraction to women but lately I’ve been going through a lot of different thoughts that definitely feel unlike me. When I was a kid and I don’t remember how old I was but im sure like 7 or 8 and my cousin that was I very close to had me do inappropriate things to her that I didn’t really know anything about at that time. After that happened to me I knew it was wrong and I felt so bad and disgusting and scared but at the time I didn’t really know anything and I remember when my mom would drop me over my grandmas house while she would work, I’d take my grandma’s phone and I looked up kissing videos and I saw the kissing scene from Jennifer’s body and looking back on it I just feel so much shame and confusion bc it certainly feels embarrassing. My cousin always liked girls but I never did. I loved sitting and watching Disney movies preferably princess and the frog and wanting to be a princess getting married to a prince just like in all the movies. I knew who I was from a very young age and that never changed about me. When I learned what porn was at an older age, I started becoming hyper sexual so I watched tutorials videos of women to learn how to pleasure myself. When I was a kid and to now I’ve never looked at women in that way. I’ve had best friends and sleepovers it’s never been anything sexual, romantic, or intimate. Just simply innocent friendships and hangouts. When I got to high school that’s when i started remembering what happened to me and i remember how the girls would talk about their first kisses and i remembered my sa and how I felt so scared to say anything to anyone bc I didn’t want people to think badly of me simply bc my first kiss was like that so I would simply just not say anything. Lately I’ve been having obsessive thoughts out of nowhere wondering if my sexuality has changed or if im bi or is it just my thoughts? I’ve always had ocd and even in school, the kids would pick at me because I always eat my food in order and by the lightest color. But lately it’s gotten worse. It’s like I’ve never had thoughts like this nor have I ever been like this. Not even when I was a child. And humans question themselves of course but this feels like something different. I’ve gotten distant from my best friend who’s also a girl and I’ve just cut off social media and female friend relationships at all because for some reason my brain tells me that it’s “gay” to even hug your friends or hold their hands anymore like you used to do when you were kids. I even got to a point where I would watch women porn and try to masturbate just to see if I was attracted to it or not like that’s how bad the thoughts got. It felt like an evil voice was in my head trying to convince me and sweet talk me to do and enjoy those disgusting things even when my body didn’t want to. I eventually had confided in my bf about it because he was also a victim of sa and so he helped me through it and I stopped doing it but then and my bf (now ex) broke up a couple days ago and now ive been dealing with this alone which feels like the hardest part for me. So I’ve texted my bff a lot to catch up because I’ve been distant dealing with this and I was just checking my phone awaiting for her responses to my texts because she tends to type slow and usually I never think anything of it because I used to check my phone all the time when I would await my boyfriends reply or simply just a text from him and so now im having thoughts like “why am I awaiting her texts” “do I like my friend?” Its just so many obsessive thoughts and so much overthinking that I am getting tired of because It’s been going on for months so I know this is a lot but please if anyone can please help me I beg, it would be such a great help appreciated bc this has became a really big impact on my life and not in a good way lol. Thank you !!
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- 12w
Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.
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