I feel like a monster

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?

Bruce M

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4d ago

Letting the thoughts happen can be a great idea. This is exactly how you fight it. Arguing with the thoughts, ruminating on the thoughts, trying to figure it all out, these are all ways of engaging with the thoughts and continuing the OCD habits. Allowing the thoughts to be there and recognizing that having a thought does not mean anything bad about you and it doesn’t mean that you will do anything bad, thoughts are just thoughts and even disturbing thoughts can happen often and are not dangerous. Let them be there and live the life you want to live despite OCD.

sanshine

Date posted: 4d ago

Nah ur not a monster. OCD makes us think we like things we truly don't. Ur reaction now shows ur true nature. Ur good 🌻

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 4d ago

Hello Imnew@this, I see your distress and that you are trying to find meaning in the thoughts causing you distressed. With intrusive thoughts, which are thoughts that return unwantedly and cause distress, I like to highlight a few things. The first is that if these thoughts cause you distress, they go against your values. If someone had a thought about harming or hurting others and found pleasure in the thoughts, that is quite different. The other aspect of this is that these thoughts, while against our values, feel like they mean something and are dangerous, causing us to question our identity. When these thoughts arise, have you tried to introduce uncertainty, instead of trying to make the thoughts stop? This is challenging, but in Exposure and Response Prevention, the gold standard treatment for OCD and related conditions, the aim is to lean how to do just this. At NOCD, we are trained experts in the diagnosis and treatment of OCD and related conditions. If you are struggling to introduce uncertainty and would like to learn more, please visit our website at www.treatmyocd.com. If you find that you are ready to begin/resume your journey of recovery, you can contact our member advocate team at care@nocdhelp.com to enroll in services with NOCD. I hope this message reaches you well and know that at NOCD, we are always here to help! Take care, Ian M. Reeder

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 4d ago

It sounds incredibly overwhelming and painful to be battling such intense thoughts. Feeling like a 'monster' because of unwanted thoughts is something many people with OCD experience – the distress you feel is a strong sign these thoughts don't reflect who you truly are. If you’d like additional support, feel free to book a free call with our NOCD team. We’d be happy to share more information and explore ways to help. No one has to live in fear of their own thoughts. Also here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/when-compulsions-backfire/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/confessing-and-reassurance-a-double-edged-sword/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/breaking-the-silence-on-taboo-intrusive-thoughts-a-conversation-with-chrissie-hodges/

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w ago

Do you ever just feel like a bad person?

Does anyone else experience this lingering fear and anxiety because they think they’re capable of hurting someone? It’s killing me. I feel like I’m such a danger. I feel like I’m a predator. I feel like this awful person and I can’t shake it. I want to carry on with my day but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’ve done awful things. I can’t stop crying.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 16w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 14w ago

I’m panicking, any advice is welcomed

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

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I feel like a monster

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