- Date posted
- 14w
Rocd torture
So I relapse bad 1 time a week now at least and it’s awful. I was ok til I wasn’t this week again. Monday I was crying bc I wanted to be me again and I found tactics to stop my thoughts. I’d be like “well the real me before these thoughts wouldn’t think that” and I’d be ok. But then today I was at school bouta leave and was doing so well. A guy drove by in a pick up and had wut looked like a tan face w rosey cheeks. I had some mini thoughts but I let em pass over until another one came in and I engaged My brain was then like: “oh he has the cute rosey cheeks and tan skin you’d want him coming up to you and flirting bc you want those guys liking you” and it felt rlly real and then saw bro get outs his car and realized he was short and kinda ugly, my mind was then like “it doesn’t bother u now tho bc he’s uglier and shorter than you thought. I bet hair he’s wut you pictured him as you would still rlly want him.” Then I felt awful and then 0.2 seconds later I realized I love my man and wouldn’t want any guy coming up to me. So I tried to chill and let it sit, but then it persisted bc I’m awful. Then I tried to be like “old me would’ve wanted that anyways, but it was like “ye but rn you was kinda real you and felt like it was true. Then I got home and was like old me would’ve never. Then my brain said “I bet if he woulda appeared last yr when you had a huge crush on ur man before u were officially together you woulda talked to jk m in class and found him cute and started crushing for him over ur man” th en my brain like vividly imagined it and it felt true I hate it and then ad the day went on it felt more and more like id want that guy, and it says bc I think he’s cuter then my man bc this guy had the rosy cheeks and tan face. I feel so awful bc even now (many hours later) I feel awful bc my man gets down thinking he’s not enough and wants me to just love him fully but I do and that’s all I want. And I feel awful bc my brain convinces me stuff against him around me are a sign or smth. And u feel terrible he deserves all my love and I love when I can give it all and I wanna cry when it feels there’s someone else there I like or smth. For example it still feels as tho I want the rosy cheeked guy or smth and I’m never gonna find a him and be upset forever. I hate it. I wanna be repulsed by all men that aren’t my man. Why’d it feel true I don’t want it to. And I hate that sometimes I’m unable to decipher if I even want it or not. It’s the worst cycle ever I hate it. How to I fix is it really ocd do I really care ab my man how even can I if I feel like this so often. He even said “sometimes I wonder maybe I’m not the right person or smth. Like if you were with that person maybe this wouldn’t happen” yet no I can’t I love my man😞 pls help Aldo does medication work i wanna get on it to get better