My brain hates me (18+)

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

MJ44!

Date posted: 13w

I feel the same way it’s actually scary how real this is to read. I feel like I could’ve wrote that. I guess I don’t even know what to say but just wanted you to feel seen and not alone

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

@MJ44! Thanks, that means a lot. I think a big part of this community is simply making sure everyone feels seen, it’s so easy to feel alone when you’re in your own head.

nae nae

Date posted: 13w

I don't have anything specific to say either except that I can relate, and you're definitely not alone. Some days it's easier than others. Those are the moments I've been hanging onto, but it's rough 🥲 All OCD themes are incredibly distressing, but POCD is like "the final boss" to me lol. It's so exhausting.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

@nae nae Yeah, this theme and Harm OCD are the worst in my opinion because thoughts that could potentially hurt other people feel like the most immediate threat. It’s one thing if it only affects me, but if I could be a threat to others then I can never stop worrying about it.

nae nae

Date posted: 12w

@Anonymous Yeah, I feel the same. I'm really sorry you're going through this :( I wish there was some miracle cure. I'd give almost anything lol

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

@nae nae Same, I used to have crazy ambitions in life but that this point I just want to live a normal, boring life without hurting anyone.

nae nae

Date posted: 12w

@Anonymous So real 🥲 But I hope one day we're able to accomplish everything we want despite OCD.

mauricethewo...

Date posted: 13w

I struggle with the exact same theme. If your end goal is to completely remove the thoughts from your mind and never sexualize anyone underage then you are going to fail massively. I know this from experience. There is no cure. That being said, you can allow the attraction to exist but refuse to give it as much power. I think we have to allow ourselves to be okay with some degree of taboo thought without convincing ourselves that it will lead something malicious and “real”. It’s very easy to imagine yourself as capable of doing something terrible, because you are. I used to always think “a year from now there is no way I will be anywhere other than jail for having snapped and committed some heinous crime that I am obsessing over”. I had that thought ten years ago. I had that thought five years ago. I had that thought a year ago. Maybe it will ring true a year from now or maybe it will be another in a long string of false predictions. At the end of the day we just don’t know. You’re not the only person to struggle with an attraction or “preference” to teenagers. The harder you try to convince yourself you aren’t this thing the harder the OCD will convince you that you are. Allow the attraction to exist, don’t act on it, and give it time.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

@mauricethewombat Thank you, but I’m worried that means I am stuck this way. Like I really am this unethical person, and the only thing stopping me is society and the law or whatever. Deep down I know it does go against my values, but what if I’m just another one of those bad people who wants to do bad things but has just enough of a moral compass or realizes there will be consequences to my actions preventing me from doing it for the time being? I just want to go back to when these thoughts never even existed, but I know that isn’t possible.

mauricethewo...

Date posted: 13w

@Anonymous I know how it feels. I’m in the same boat. Unfortunately I think the only way to move on is to lean into the uncertainty.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 18w

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

Vee <3

Date posted: 13w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

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My brain hates me (18+)

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