dark thoughts

I am so tired, guilty, and scared of my thoughts. They are very dark and evil, and I can’t stand thinking about them anymore. It’s always the same dark thoughts every day, wishing death and bad things on my loved ones and even other people. I keep thinking about it daily, and it causes me so much stress. I love my family, and I don’t want them to die. I would be willing to sacrifice my life just for them to live. I always tell myself that I should be the one to die first, not my parents, because I’m a horrible person. I don’t know what would happen to me if they were gone. I badly want to stop having these dark and evil thoughts, but I can’t ignore them. Sometimes I try arguing with them, but it’s still hard to stop. How can I stop them? They’re so repetitive, and it feels like I’m going crazy while thinking about them. I feel like God won’t forgive me for having these kinds of thoughts. I can’t forgive myself, and I really hate myself. I hate myself so much because why would I think about such evil things? Why did it have to get to the point where I’m wishing death and horrible things on the people I love? I feel disgusting, and I don’t think I can love myself anymore because of these thoughts. My brain keeps telling me that I like the thoughts, that I really mean them. But what if I really do mean them? What if I actually want it? What if I think these things on purpose? I can’t do this anymore. I just want to die if I have to spend the rest of my life with these dark, evil thoughts especially toward my loved ones. I’m not suicidal, but I think dying is the only way to stop having these thoughts. I can’t look at myself the same way again. I don’t think I deserve anything good in life.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21d

Please remember that a thought is a thought is a thought. It's not a threat or an action, just a thought. The goal is to become indifferent to them, which dimishes them. As My therapist taught me, it's not the content, but how we react to it, that's important. Are you in therapy?

darlyn

Date posted: 21d

No, I can't afford therapy and my family didn't know that I have ocd. I'm also a minor and we are financially unstable. I don't wanna be a burden.

jam1993

Date posted: 21d

Hang in there! You CAN do this! I was walking through what you are walking through. It started with harming myself, then my son.. I was so distressed that I switched my thinking, like you, because I was so disgusted with myself, and I also thought God wouldn’t love me or forgive me. It made me feel so low. I struggle with it, but I just started therapy, and something you need to know is your thoughts are just that.. they are only thoughts. They come and they go. I have just been diagnosed with OCD, and I was scared that “I didn’t have it” and “what if I really want this?” You are not alone. It is probably the hardest season of my life, but I’m trying to let the thoughts pass and focus on the present. Keep yourself busy, read a book, or try some calming exercises. Those were hard for me at first, because I felt guilty being calm, but give yourself some grace and kindness.. this is hard, this feels scary, but remember you are not your thoughts. I understand completely how you feel, so much, that I cried on Mother’s Day thinking I didn’t deserve anything. I’m still here, fighting the battle, and it can be done.. just be patient with yourself. You are doing the best you can. You cannot control the thoughts that are coming in. I wanted to share my part to let you know that what your feelings are so very valid, you’re not alone, I have those thoughts too, and it will pass in time. You are here on purpose, and you are doing your very best.

darlyn

Date posted: 21d

but what should i do to stop having those dark thoughts? i can't just ignore them. i really wanna stop having those thoughts 😓

OneDayAtATimee

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 21d

@darlyn ERP therapy is a life saver 🫶 It will get you recovered from OCD. You don’t have to do it with a therapist. A lot of people manage to do it on their own with research. You can do ERP in the comfort of your own room. That’s what I do :)

darlyn

Date posted: 21d

Thank you so much 💗

darlyn

Date posted: 21d

Thank you so much! This really means a lot to me. I'm sorry you're going through this too. Honestly, I'm doing my best to ignore the thoughts and just let them pass. I keep reminding myself that they’re just intrusive thoughts. It's really hard, and I feel so guilty for trying to ignore the dark ones. Sitting with the discomfort is difficult, but I'm starting to realize that thoughts are just thoughts. I'm still scared, but I'm trying.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 22w

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

POCD

Love 777

Date posted: 6w

Harm ocd

I have all kinds of thoughts that aren’t me it feels like someone is talking to me telling me evil things about people or to do evil things 😞😞😞😞 I can’t do this anymore

Anonymous

Date posted: 4w

Religious OCD, ashamed of my thoughts

I am a christian guy who grew up in a christian community and family. For as long as i remember, ive had horrible thoughts about all kinds of things that i dont know where to begin. Due to my extreme thoughts, i feel as if i am unworthy of practicing my religioin, such as praying, reading, meditating, etc. I feel ashamed when i go to church, as if i dont belong there because i feel like i am secretely evil, and that God knows i am evil and i am committing blasphemy by going there, and refusing to "repent", from my thoughts. But then again, my thoughts are just thoughts, sure. So whats the problem? - The problem is that in my faith, i have been taught that we must control our thoughts, so they do not get power over us to make us commit sin. Such as "If you think lustfully about a woman, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart". This verse has killed my self esteem, due to the constant unwanted sexual and disturbing thoughts. It makes me feel like a monster, who secretely just wants to abuse and be horrible to people, even though i know very well i do not want this. Sometimes i think horrible things about the people i love very much, such as my girlfriend. It feels so wrong and evil, even though i know it isnt my true will.

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