I regret researching so much about ROCD…

Ever since I found out about relationship OCD, I’ve been researching non-stop. Google, Reddit, ChatGPT, this app… I regret it deeply. Before I knew what ROCD was, I still had disturbing thoughts, but I didn’t spiral like this. I didn’t question reality this deeply. But now… it’s like I’ve implanted in my mind that I have a disorder that’s “unfixable” or that only gets better with time. And even though I struggled before, since I started researching obsessively, I feel like I’ve completely lost control. My boyfriend told me that I’ve gotten worse ever since I began searching. And I see it — I used to be able to express love. I used to say “I love you” a lot. Now I can’t even say it. And when I did say it before, I think I was using it like a compulsion — like if I say it enough, maybe the thoughts will stop. But they didn’t. Now I can’t even be intimate without feeling this horrible discomfort, sometimes even disgust. And I remember telling my therapist that — and she said it’s not normal to feel disgust when your partner touches you. That devastated me. It stuck in my head. And now? It all feels real. Not like “just thoughts.” It feels like I’m denying the truth, like I’ve ruined everything by digging too deep. I’m not myself anymore. I’m not the girlfriend I used to be. I feel like I’ve lost everything — even my ability to feel love. There’s a constant pressure in my chest, like a weight I can’t describe. And no matter what anyone says — whether it’s hopeful or scary — it doesn’t bring me peace. I feel completely lost inside my own mind. I don’t even know why I’m posting. Maybe because I just want to feel less alone.

Clairenz

Date posted: 12w

I know the pressure in your chest. Thats how my ocd shows up. Awful.. My. Rocd has been hideous but getting better now with erp. I was constantly breaking up with my partner of fifteen years... Its worth getting therapy and pushing through.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

I know what you mean. Before I knew about OCD, I let all of my thoughts control me. After finding out I had OCD, I thought researching would help me and it quickly became a compulsion and that started controlling me. I’m having trouble recentering myself and realizing which thoughts are myself and which are OCD, but today is better than yesterday was. Life is a journey, take it slow.❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

Hi mariabae, sorry to hear that the new information and therapist has turned weaponized with OCD with no follow up that resonates with you on how to handle it. My therapists been careful as they don't say it's but normal, they said it's not common let's explore how this makes your feel rather than the why. Because OCD tricks on where the why come from and tries to gaslight to redirect whichever seems most scary even if it's made up instead of relevant facts. It is actual common to feel not as intimate when there has been mental or physical changes, yet it's still advised to seek help or ERP with a therapist as it is a very uncomfortable time mid transition to a new you, for better or worse. Usually it is better as it hurts much more the harder it is to change for a healthier you. It's because it's the death of an ego or OCD. Fears even if it's not OCD can attempt to give sensations as a last resort to try to trick there is evidence in signs. Yet it's really just a superstition tactic. I've had moments of feeling disgusted being touch because of irrelevant things related to my partner but my partner still felt hurt because intrusive thoughts even though I'm the one with OCD. When my ex was emotionally secure though he knew I just needed space and felt less intense about thoughts as he's seen me be able to love again once that episode passes and worked with sitting his emotions as he had abandonment issues. My ROCD didn't help our relationship but ultimately it was my decision to leave as our values don't or no longer aligned. Even if digging too deep, you'll eventually come out on the other side. Any poison can become an antidote, it just is very hard on the person who is responsible to make the choices and train for it. For OCD for more effectiveness it is to heal by lessen the intensity rather than force an action with the hope of guarantee of never feeling it. The poison in this is adding more thoughts to the prompts and the antidote is sitting with it, similar to building an immune system. Once the nervous system gets it's most of its hyped up vibes out, it starts to be more open to love and receive love as well as other perspectives in life. It really has been really better for me and it took me almost a year to get to where I'm out now with my disgust or regret or "did I really love him" because it was hard to do it daily even for seconds. Even though my ex is no longer with me. I got a lot more wisdom sure exploring but I couldn't digest properly when I was so tense up from the intensity. I wanted to blame OCD than go over grief and feel my emotions of conflict. I realize I was capable after sitting in the extreme of doing nothing and be so bored that no one exploded. It's a duality of yeah I loved him, and I choose to [insert how to live life to my values]. There was so much signs I should leave and stay, but what was always relevant was my values and who I want to become, and fears did not prevent pain nor was reliable of guiding me to be that way. ROCD even took away anything I felt worth to do or feel joy to prove a point to stay or go (it switched sides no matter what I did), so I bored it to death. No matter how much it took I knew it meant well but I'm the driver now, not the OCD backseat passenger who's complaining about the GPS. It's possible and I hope for your speedy recovery.

Mariabae

Date posted: 11w

@Anonymous thank you for your response.

Mariabae

Date posted: 21w

im so lost, my rocd is taking over.

I don’t understand how my boyfriend can love me so much after everything I put him through. He constantly shows me how much he loves me, yet I feel like I can’t fully appreciate it. I can’t explain how badly I behave towards him when these thoughts take over, how often I lash out because of them, and how many times I’ve told him exactly what’s on my mind. He tries to use logic to help me, but it never seems to work. And now, even as I’m writing this, I feel like crying—yet at the same time, my mind tells me that I don’t care. This horrible feeling inside me won’t go away. I keep thinking, “What if I don’t like him?” That thought is always there. I wonder if I had unrealistic expectations about this relationship from the beginning, since he is my first boyfriend. What if I convinced myself I liked him just because I wanted my first relationship to be perfect? And now, I just can’t accept the truth? It scares me even more knowing that he moved to my city for me. I feel like I’m constantly upset, constantly sad. And despite everything, he’s always there for me. That makes me feel even worse because I don’t know what to do to feel okay again. Every time I talk to him, I get this strange feeling inside me, and I’m terrified that it means my thoughts are actually true. He tells me that my happiness shouldn’t depend only on him, that I should focus on more than just this relationship—because for over a year now, my mind has been stuck in an endless loop of questioning whether I love him or not. He asks me, “Who are you fighting? Why do you care so much? You’ve been asking yourself the same question for over a year—shouldn’t you know the answer by now?” And my response is always, “Because I want to be with you.” But then, when I try to answer whether I like him or not, more doubts take over. I start thinking, “Maybe I just can’t accept that I don’t love him. Maybe I just want to keep this relationship perfect.” The worst part is that he has never done anything wrong. He has always been patient, kind, and loving, yet I feel so lost. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand what I feel. And I don’t understand why I can’t understand what I feel. He also tells me that ever since I started reading so much about relationships and OCD online, I have gotten worse. And he’s right. I have become much worse than I was before. The problem is that before, I thought I was at my worst, but looking back, I was still able to feel happiness at times. Now, I feel completely stuck. I don’t know if I’m crying because I hate this feeling, or because I don’t want to think this way about him. It feels like I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore.

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

please, i need someones help. sorry for long post

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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