Relationship OCD - PLEASE HELP

Hey guys, I’m reaching out in a pretty weak spot of desperation. I feel so insane and so sick of my mind recently, I’m completely drained from my mind. I’ve had such bad spikes of RCOD in my relationship of 1.5 years , which kills me because I truly want nothing more than to just be his peace and for us to work out. I love him more than anything and I would do anything for him. I feel like the pressure I placed on making sure I was “perfect” was so counter productive becuase instead I find myself doing everything wrong. I tell myself not to think of the wrong thing, then I think of the wrong thing, then I feel so guilty, and it plagues my mind for days. I feel so guilty it makes me feel detached and like I’m a bad girlfriend. I feel so bad for always burdening him with my anxieties and my “wrong thoughts” becuase he doesn’t deserve it, he’s so amazing. Recently, I began overthinking if I “love him” which I KNOW is so silly because when I’m calm, I laugh that I even got so worried , but when my anxiety creeps in, it feels so debilitating. I spiral and then try to prove to myself that I do love him , which then makes things in that moment feel “forced” because I’m acting out of intent to win the battle in my head. My RCOD has been a persistent issue, but this particular theme is pretty new and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been placing pressure on myself to overly appreciate him and it’s so counterproductive. I feel so bad because I told him about everything and he now thinks I don’t love him. Which is so wrong. I just want this to be fixed. Sometimes I feel like he’d be better off with a girl that isn’t such a headache and wouldn’t drain him all of the time but at the same time , I could never accept him being with anyone but me. Also, I have seen a psychoglist but it just didn’t feel right and I hated vocalising my thoughts because I felt it gave them more power - it feels like the only person I can truly be raw with about this stuff is my bestfriend. If anyone has any tips , PLEASE help me.

Relationship OCD

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6d

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. Here are a few things to try and help you: 1. You cannot control your thoughts - they come to everyone at random. The only thing that you can control is your response to the thoughts and with OCD this is a challenge - but not impossible. I have learned through ERP that when an intrusive thought comes in I am typically able to do nothing with the thought - no analysis, no arguing, just letting it be there. Does that mean I don’t feel the anxiety? No, I’m the contrary I feel it. I don’t let that bother me. It sucks to feel OCD but I ride the wave. IF I respond I will respond with a non-engagement response - like whatever, or that sounds great. That is it. Nothing else. 2. Please give yourself a lot of compassion. OCD sucks and it a difficult disorder to manage and you are doing the best that you can at this moment. Lots and lots of compassion. Ask yourself - would I treat someone else going through what I am going through right now the same way I am treating myself. If your answer is no, the. You deserve to treat yourself with the same understanding and compassion. 3. Today do something nice for yourself. I hope this helps.

lulu2

Date posted: 6d

@Jeffrey Thank you so much for your response. I find that when I give myself logical responses, like “yes you do love him- look at the way you do X and X for him without even thinking” it helps me a lot. I also just tried writing my anxiety provoking thoughts down, and it helped a lot. I still can’t figure out how to just stop the overall anxiety feeling from slowly creeping in every few hours. When this happens I spiral and my overthinking thoughts feel SO REAL! They’re all I can focus on and my heart feels so heavy and I have no energy for anything aside from focussing on the anxious thought. But I will try to utilise the ERP techniques you mentioned. And I will definitely try to give myself some compassion! Very much needed! Thank you again.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6d

@lulu2 Giving yourself logical responses is a compulsion unfortunately. You are trying to get rid of the anxiety. It’s learning to live with the anxiety that is key. Giving the thought no value at all - because it has no meaning. It is a misfire in the brain - that is why it feels real. I know it’s hard and it will take a lot of practice but you can do it. Reach out for support here. And it is important to remember that compulsions will always make ocd stronger.

Silver Tongu...

Date posted: 6d

Wow, how to respond. First off, step back, take a few deep breaths, and relax (I know easier said than done but do your best). Relationships are amazing because we are with someone who knows us, and understands us for who we are. They take on not only our love and devotion, they also take on the darkness as well. Some of us cannot help who we are or even what we are due to our genetic predisposition. Sounds like to me your confidence level needs a huge boost and that’s when we lean on our loved ones. They are there to calm us down, try to make us as comfortable as possible without stroking out. He should be the one holding you, comforting you, and making you feel amazing. Have you asked him what his thoughts were when you “aren’t” your best? Have you asked him if what you are thinking, or assuming, he’s feeling about you are true? Communication is first and foremost the glue that holds two people together. With love comes trust, with trust comes understanding, with understanding comes happiness. Are you overcompensating, trying to wear another mask for him? He should be your number one therapist because he knows you best. Sir with him. Talk to him. Make sure he expresses his true feelings about you when you have and episode. If he walks away, at any point, he does not care and does not love you. When people are at their lowest, they are vulnerable, and people will take advantage of that. Just be on guard. You are who you are and he should accept that no matter what, even in your worst moments. I realize it’s difficult, especially when you feel you have no control over your impulses and anxiety. It’s who you are. You sound like an amazing woman and should tell yourself that. No one is perfect however, in your mind, you are perfect in your own special way and he should be telling you that. You need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a person who brings you joy and happiness. Hang in there kid, things will get better. Be the change you want to be. Crawl, walk, run.

lulu2

Date posted: 6d

@Silver Tongue Devil Thank you so much! He doesn’t really understand anxiety and requests I don’t tell him my ocd thoughts. He says he understands they’re intrusive and mean nothing, so he doenst want to hear them. In a way this is what I like, because I don’t have to confront anything and I can just push any wrong thoughts or doubts to the side. But for some odd reason, I find myself spiralling over certain thoughts and doubts, and the only way I can find relief is when I tell him. It’s a horrible cycle becuase then he feels hurt and disrespected (as all he asks is for me to not offload onto him) and while I feel momentarily relieved as I’ve essentially cleared my guilt and I don’t have a stressor to “hide” anymore or have repeating in my head, new guilt sets in for even having the thought in the first place. I truly hate ROCD and wish it wasn’t destroying the one relationship I value more than anything. Thank you for your kind words, I’ll definitely try to give myself some more compassion.

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 6d

It sounds like maybe that was the wrong therapist or type of therapy for you. But I really highly recommend ERP therapy. It will help with all of the things that you were saying. When you look at the big picture, all of the struggles that you have are OCD. We could talk about each specific struggle, but sometimes it's good to ZOOM out and look at the picture as a whole. With ERP therapy, we learn how to manage all the OCD thoughts and the actions. And then we are ready to treat every little manifestation of OCD that comes up. And that way, you can treat the whole picture. To sum up ERP therapy, it comes down to a few basic principles. We have to learn to ALLOW the thoughts to run freely through our heads without trying to stop them or fight them (which in your case, would you allow the thoughts that you don't love him, for example. However, we also acknowledge that these thoughts are just OCD and therefore meaningless – And so we don't act on them at all. We learn to deny any sort of action that would be a safety behavior based on the thoughts (because those are actually compulsions). So, in your case, it would look like you allowing thoughts of not loving him to circulate in your head, but you don't act on them at all. You continue to live your life exactly the way you want to live it. I can't recommend ERP therapy. No CD does it all the time, and others do it too. It might be something for you to check out.

lulu2

Date posted: 4d

@Tea and Honey Thank you for your response! I’ll definitely consider ERP therapy, I can’t believe I had never heard of it until this app!

Mariabae

Date posted: 25w

My story: feeling lost in my thoughts and numbness

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with what I believe is ROCD, but it feels so real and overwhelming that I don’t know what to trust anymore. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, hoping someone can relate and maybe help me feel a little less alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely disconnected and numb toward my boyfriend. I don’t know if I love him, and I’m constantly questioning my feelings. Sometimes when we’re together, I feel like I don’t want to talk to him, or I find him annoying, boring, or even cringe. Then, I feel immense guilt because he’s a loving and caring person who doesn’t deserve this. I have these intrusive thoughts that say: • “You don’t love him.” • “You’re just pretending.” • “You’re fed up with him.” • “You want someone else.” Sometimes, it doesn’t even come as a question like “What if?” — it comes as a statement, which makes it even scarier. And because I feel numb or indifferent when these thoughts come, it feels like they must be true. I’m also terrified that this isn’t ROCD, that maybe I’m not experiencing anxiety at all, and that these thoughts reflect how I truly feel. This fear is paralyzing and makes everything worse. I feel trapped, wondering if I’m just in denial and avoiding the truth. When I’m with him, I get caught in mental compulsions like: • Checking my feelings constantly to see if I feel love. • Comparing how I feel now to how I used to feel. • Seeking reassurance by thinking things like, “If I didn’t love him, would I feel this bad?” • Replaying memories to convince myself that I care about him. • Reading posts about ROCD to feel better, but the relief never lasts. I also feel like I’m ruining my relationship day by day. I get irritable and rude, and I know it hurts him, which makes me feel like a horrible person. I worry that I’m pushing him away and that one day he’ll give up on me, and it’ll be all my fault. Sometimes, I have moments where I feel happy to see him, and that confuses me even more. I recently saw him for a few minutes while I was out with my friends, and I felt joy seeing him. But when we’re together for longer, my mind gets flooded with doubts and fears again. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like I’m failing him, and failing myself. I’m scared that I’m in denial, that I don’t really love him, and that I’m forcing myself to be in this relationship. The numbness makes me feel like I don’t care, but deep down, I want to care. I want to love him, feel happy with him, and just be normal. But my thoughts keep telling me otherwise, and I feel trapped in this loop. If anyone has gone through something similar, or has any advice on how to manage these thoughts and compulsions, I’d be so grateful. I just want to know that I’m not alone, and that there’s a way through this. Thank you for reading. 💔

Matlock

Date posted: 16w

My ROCD is driving me away from my boyfriend

I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?

bubbsle

Date posted: 10w

Tips for Anxiety

Hey guys! My boyfriend has said recently that he doesn't know if he's strong enough to continue with our relationship because of my OCD. He wants to see me overcome my symptoms and learn to live a healthy life with OCD, but my anxieties and obsessions are starting to really affect his life. I understand his reasoning, it's hard to see someone you care about struggle with OCD, especially when it starts to affect you too. I'm asking for tips to deal with my compulsions in the relationship. I HAVE to know the answer to things and sometimes that leads into arguments because even with apologies and discussions I can't let things go, even if they genuinely don't matter or are miniscule issues we have. It's a healthy relationship otherwise but I feel horrible because it's impacting him so negatively, that's the absolute last thing I want to happen. I care for him deeply and he cares for me too, so I don't want my OCD to be a reason we break up but I fear it's headed in that direction. I'm starting therapy soon, but until then what are some things I can do to stop my ROCD from impacting him? I know sitting in the guilt and anxiety of not completing my obsessions will help, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to maybe remedy some of the damage already done.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Relationship OCD - PLEASE HELP

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community