💭 “What if I never actually loved him — just the idea?”

I’ve been in this storm for over a year and a half now. It started with doubts like: “What if I don’t love him?” and slowly turned into: “You never did. You just loved the idea. You just wanted to feel something.” And now… it feels like that’s the truth. I feel disconnected, numb, and ashamed. I look back at our relationship — the good moments, the laughter, the affection — and instead of warmth, I feel doubt. I feel sick. I feel like I tricked myself. I keep thinking: “You never loved him, you just wanted to be loved.” “You were never in it for him — just the safety, the comfort, the idea of being in love.” We’ve been fighting more lately — mostly because of me. I feel like I’m cold, irritable, distant. I can’t connect. And that makes me believe, more and more, that this thought is right. That maybe I stayed because I wanted to feel, not because I truly felt something for him. But at the same time, I’m suffering. Crying. Panicking. Spiraling. If I truly didn’t love him — why does this hurt so much? It’s terrifying, because I don’t know if this is ROCD or a “truth” I’ve been avoiding. I just want peace. I just want to feel again — or at least stop punishing myself every day. Has anyone else gone through this exact thing? Feeling like the thought “I never loved him, just the idea” became your “truth”? Did it ever pass? How do you keep going when your mind turns love into guilt? Please tell me I’m not alone. 💔 This feels unbearable.

Recovery5.28

Date posted: 6d

This, all of this. I identify with this, and I ended up taking myself to the hospital to get help. Anxiety got so bad I wasn't sleeping, eating and heart rate was through the roof. I felt exactly like you do. It took some time for the storm to pass with the help of others. Of course I love my boyfriend! That's why it was so distressing to me! OCD was also taking hold of other things and I became overwhelmed, I've never experienced anything like an OCD flare up before and I was absolutely terrified. Now it's a new normal. I'm so glad you shared

OneDayAtATimee

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6d

You're 100% not alone <3 Ocd makes all of us doubt ourselves, no matter our theme. Especially with ROCD, I've seen people all the time discuss having doubts like yours about their relationship. Try to keep in mind that Ocd gives us doubts about what we care about. So it doesn't give you obsessive fears about your mailman or you disliking a certain flavor of ice cream lol. We don't really care to think about those things. Ocd attacks your partner only because he's such an important part of your life.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 6d

You're not alone, I feel empathy for you. The thoughts "what if I don't love him" are a self-fulfilling prophecy. The anxiety makes you feel numb, making you think you don't love him, when you most likely love him very much. When you fight, it's probably not because you don't love each other, but you're stressed because of the thoughts. OCD attacks what we care about the most.

aaliyahfield...

Date posted: 6d

I’ve gone through the exact thing. The EXACT thing. You love him. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be here. You should know, though, that love is less of a feeling and more of an active choice to choose a person every single day for as long as you have them. If you still want to choose him, then you love him. It passed. It took time, but explain to him why you feel that way and that you’re sorry that you argue. If you want to be with him, put in the work to talk to him and make sure he knows why. ROCD. In turn, this will likely also make you realize yourself that that’s what it is.

RaRaRa

Date posted: 6d

You are not alone, I been feeling that exact same way since last year. I feel guilty about the idea of not loving my partner but then the sole idea just makes me feel worse. You are not alone in this, rocd tries to attack our bonds with the person we most love and treasure and that's horrible because is making you feel in a way you don't want But as the anonymous said, anxiety is a full filling prophecy, as for example you can take Chronos (Greek mythology) eating his children, he was so afraid of being dethroned that in an anxiety state he did what he did, full filling the prophecy pushed by his fears You my buddy, have to look for help, read and instruct yourself as much as you can. Talk with someone, but you NEED to look for help, because with the guilt it comes the anxiety, and with anxiety you get overwhelmed to the point you will feel only numbness and apathy and that will make you feel worse than before

Anonymous

Date posted: 4d

This was the exact thing that brought me here in the first place. The feelings – which echo yours to a T – arose seemingly out of nowhere around the time I proposed to my girlfriend and sent me spiraling into depths of panic and depression that seemed utterly impossible to overcome. And now the uplifting part: we got married a year ago and I can't imagine life without my wife, I love her so much (as I always did). I'm not sure I could have done it without the guidance of my NOCD therapist, Dr. Christopher Leonard – what I learned from him has been nothing short of enlightening. Do the therapy! I think you'll discover that you don't need to suffer needlessly like this, and that you've had the answers all along (and, since this is distressing you so much as it did me, I'm guessing you love the guy and your intrusive thoughts are fueled by ROCD, an internal bully whom you'll discover you don't need to pay any attention to). Good luck!

Mariabae

Date posted: 25w

My story: feeling lost in my thoughts and numbness

Hi everyone, I’m struggling with what I believe is ROCD, but it feels so real and overwhelming that I don’t know what to trust anymore. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, hoping someone can relate and maybe help me feel a little less alone. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely disconnected and numb toward my boyfriend. I don’t know if I love him, and I’m constantly questioning my feelings. Sometimes when we’re together, I feel like I don’t want to talk to him, or I find him annoying, boring, or even cringe. Then, I feel immense guilt because he’s a loving and caring person who doesn’t deserve this. I have these intrusive thoughts that say: • “You don’t love him.” • “You’re just pretending.” • “You’re fed up with him.” • “You want someone else.” Sometimes, it doesn’t even come as a question like “What if?” — it comes as a statement, which makes it even scarier. And because I feel numb or indifferent when these thoughts come, it feels like they must be true. I’m also terrified that this isn’t ROCD, that maybe I’m not experiencing anxiety at all, and that these thoughts reflect how I truly feel. This fear is paralyzing and makes everything worse. I feel trapped, wondering if I’m just in denial and avoiding the truth. When I’m with him, I get caught in mental compulsions like: • Checking my feelings constantly to see if I feel love. • Comparing how I feel now to how I used to feel. • Seeking reassurance by thinking things like, “If I didn’t love him, would I feel this bad?” • Replaying memories to convince myself that I care about him. • Reading posts about ROCD to feel better, but the relief never lasts. I also feel like I’m ruining my relationship day by day. I get irritable and rude, and I know it hurts him, which makes me feel like a horrible person. I worry that I’m pushing him away and that one day he’ll give up on me, and it’ll be all my fault. Sometimes, I have moments where I feel happy to see him, and that confuses me even more. I recently saw him for a few minutes while I was out with my friends, and I felt joy seeing him. But when we’re together for longer, my mind gets flooded with doubts and fears again. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like I’m failing him, and failing myself. I’m scared that I’m in denial, that I don’t really love him, and that I’m forcing myself to be in this relationship. The numbness makes me feel like I don’t care, but deep down, I want to care. I want to love him, feel happy with him, and just be normal. But my thoughts keep telling me otherwise, and I feel trapped in this loop. If anyone has gone through something similar, or has any advice on how to manage these thoughts and compulsions, I’d be so grateful. I just want to know that I’m not alone, and that there’s a way through this. Thank you for reading. 💔

Mariabae

Date posted: 17d

panic. scared. it feels real

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

Mariabae

Date posted: 17d

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

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💭 “What if I never actually loved him — just the idea?”

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