It feels like I’m realizing the truth and it’s destroying me

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.

OneDayAtATimee

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4w

I’m so sorry. I know your mom was just trying to help and she cares about you ❤️‍🩹 But her advice was also not helpful in the sense that Ocd naturally feeds you doubt and your mom gave you even more doubt than you already had. A lot of people misunderstand how to talk to someone who has Ocd but they’re just coming from an innocent place. They don’t mean harm to you

miss_anonymous

Date posted: 4w

I can relate to this!! I was feeling this way a year ago. I felt kinda numb and lost at what I should do. I still ask myself, “what is love?” I ended up staying bc I was holding on to hope and seeing if things changed. It’s like I woke up one day and my feelings were gone. Sometimes I feel like OCD made me become numb over time and wore me out, but then I ask myself, “is it ocd? Or am I holding onto something that I don’t wanna let go of?” We ended up letting eachother go but I still battle with the thoughts.

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@miss_anonymous im so sorry. this is awful. i hate these thoughts that controll us

_zs_

Date posted: 4w

Hi! I’ve never actually responded to anyone on here in the two years of having the app because i guess it makes it feel too real when i can relate. I’ve never been in a relationship but every single thought you wrote about is a thought i have about when I do possibly get into a relationship. I wonder all the time if I’m ever going to be able to fully be in a relationship having the fears and intrusive thoughts i do. It’s weird because I was doing good for a while not having any of the thoughts or needing to combat them with any compulsions but recently the thoughts just feel stronger and stronger. The last bit of what you wrote really hit me because it’s exactly how i’ve been feeling lately. My emotions have been so up and down, but I feel like anytime i’m doing good a thought hits me and i’m back to feeling like i’m not worth anything… and everything i do results in failure. I don’t have a ton of wise words for you, but i can say you are not alone. You’re not the only one experiencing this and you’re gonna get through it. I don’t know if you’re a christian or not, doesn’t really matter, but I believe that everything truly does happen in accordance to the plan God has for you. My therapist used to always tell me that anxiety and fear do not get to run your life. Yes, you let the thought pass, and yes you try not to ruminate on it too much but it’s also important to fill your mind and heart with the understanding that you are going to beat the thoughts, that you are who you say you are and nobody gets to take that from you. I think anyone struggling with any form of OCD is hard and it’s an everyday battle for your mind, but at some point we have to choose to let someone in… to not try and carry everything by ourselves and sometimes voicing the fears can be a way of standing up to them. It’s good that your sitting with your feelings but i think that numbness can come from not ever truly figuring out what you want. Maybe next time the thoughts are getting bad, thing about both outcomes of being with your boyfriend and not being your boyfriend. Think about the type of person you feel you would be and start to really think about “what do I want” and “what do I need to feel whole again”. Hope this helps!

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@_zs_ thank you for responding, i suffer si much from this but something in me tells me that i will be better someday.

JediMJ

Date posted: 4w

The most telling thing you wrote is “I can’t stop ruminating.” If you are spending hours and hours every day, debating your own mind about whether or not you love him, you must be exhausted. You are trapped in this endless problem-solving cycle that hasn’t solved anything. The problem is your intrusive thoughts and compulsive ruminating. Are you in therapy? If you can stop ruminating and learn to live with uncertainty, then maybe you can find some clarity. I spent a lot of my relationships in a state of emotional dysregulation. It’s almost impossible to make good decisions when you are numb or confused. You have to find the way to feeling confident about what you want or what you don’t want. I know how exhausting and frustrating and lonely all this can be. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. Can you take some time and space for yourself, to not think about it? To spend time on something you really enjoy? You’re not alone. Hoping you can find some peace.

Mariabae

Date posted: 29d

@JediMJ i went to therapy but she made it worse and now i am not going and i cant go to another one because its very expensive:(

JediMJ

Date posted: 29d

@Mariabae I understand. I wish every human had access to care. I really do think you need to find a way to stop ruminating. The more you focus on the intrusive thoughts, the more you’ll stay stuck. And I want you to be free—free to enjoy your life and your relationship. I hope things get better soon.

Mariabae

Date posted: 29d

@JediMJ thank you!

Mariabae

Date posted: 6w

panic. scared. it feels real

Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?

Mariabae

Date posted: 6w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

my chest hurts.

feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔

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