this is draining me. in every way. ROCD

I feel like I’ve reached such a painful place where everything seems real. I feel like I don’t love him anymore, like I’ve been lying to myself and to him this whole time — and now I’m realizing a terrible truth that I couldn’t accept until now. The thoughts come in like statements, like facts: “You don’t love him,” “It was just habit,” “You’re pretending.” They don’t feel like just thoughts — they feel like reality. And the hardest part is that I don’t feel anything anymore. Just a deep emptiness, numbness, and detachment. I don’t know what love feels like anymore, and because I don’t feel, I start to believe there’s nothing left to feel — maybe there never was. My mom told me that I’m lying to myself, that I’m hurting him and myself, and if I really don’t feel anything, I should end the relationship. She’s overwhelmed, and I know she’s saying these things out of worry for me — but it still hurts. My boyfriend shows me so much love. He really does. He tells me, he shows me, he supports me. And yet… I feel like I can’t respond, like I’m empty inside. That makes me feel like a terrible person. I feel fake, like I’m performing in a life that doesn’t feel real anymore. I’ve read so much about ROCD. I’ve been told over and over again that I need to sit with the thoughts, that I need to accept uncertainty. I know what ERP is, I know the tools. But even with all this knowledge, I feel stuck. It feels like nothing is helping. Like I’m frozen in place, and my only truth is this awful, real-seeming feeling that I don’t love him. I keep thinking: maybe I just liked the idea of love. Maybe I only stayed because he’s a good person. Maybe the love I thought I felt was just me coping and hoping. And now it feels like that hope is gone. I feel so disconnected from everything. I can’t even remember how it felt to love him. I look at our memories and they feel distant, blurry, meaningless. I’m scared. I’m tired. I just want to feel okay again. Please, if anyone has been through something like this — if you understand this storm — I’d love to hear how you kept going. I feel like I’m barely holding on.

Enthusiast

Date posted: 10w

Hiii ive been in this position before. I understand the overwhelming feeling when the thoughts present themselves as statements. One change I made was not checking my feelings and labeling them as right or wrong. Such as ,”How do I feel when I think about my bf rn? How do I feel when I’m in this very moment with them? How do I feel when we are intimate or just hanging out?” Stuff like that. You are allowed to ask yourself these things but refrain from answering to them. ^^ When getting statement thoughts I used to frighten myself because I used to associate thoughts in forms of questions as circumstances with open interpretation but if it is in the form of a statement it sounds absolute and like I already made up my mind confidently. “Do I love my bf?” sounds different then “I don’t love my bf”. What I would do is reframe the statements into questions. So when I hear “You want to end the relationship” I tell myself (without answering) “Do I want to end the relationship?” . I would suggest writing down these questions to acknowledge without answering: -Are the thoughts of me uncertain in my love for (bf name) coming from intuition or ocd? Are they real or intrusive? -Do I love _(bf name)_? Have I ever loved him? -What does love feel like? What does love feel like when expressing to my bf? -Am I showing affection and reciprocating feelings for my bf “the right way?”. What is the right way? -Will the feeling of love come? Is the feeling of love gone? -Why am I staying in this relationship? I’ve been in the deeeeeep with ROCD and my uncertainty of wether or not I love bf too. I even get dull flare ups but I always power through. Remember, don’t check feelings and don’t answer to the questions above. You got this 🎀

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

@Enthusiast thank you for this, is very hard to live when you feel things in your chest, not only thoughs but feelings , feelings that tell me i dont love him and that somethibg ia wrong, i just wish i wake up one day and everthings is normal, i hate hiw bad i feel , i lost my spark

user36373738

Date posted: 10w

I relate so hard to this and right now I have a huge breakup urge and look for someone else where I won’t feel like this are you experiencing that too?

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

@user36373738 yes it is happening to me too, but in my case its like “this relationship is no good u only feel sad and depressed i will not be with him any”

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

It feels like I’m realizing the truth and it’s destroying me

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

ROCD, im scared

I am struggling so much with ROCD symptoms, and lately everything feels more and more real, like I am finally “realizing” that I don’t love my boyfriend anymore. When I think about him, about him speaking kindly to me, or about being with him — I feel no warmth inside me, no happiness, no calm. This makes me panic, and I start thinking that maybe this is the truth, that I don’t love him anymore or never did. It feels like my mind is connecting everything to “prove” I don’t love him — I even struggle now to remember good moments with him or any time when I felt love. When I am in his arms, instead of comfort, I feel anxious and disconnected. When he says sexual things, I feel disgust or nothing. I also had a really hard moment with my mom yesterday — I told her I don’t feel love anymore, and she told me that I am lying to myself, that I am hurting both him and myself. I keep hearing her words in my mind now. On top of this, someone on NOCD told me to focus on traits I admire about him, but when I try, nothing comes to mind and this scares me even more — like maybe I never truly loved him, I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. I know I have read a lot about ROCD, I know about ERP, I know I should “let the feelings be there” and not fight them. But even though I know this, I feel so stuck, hopeless, and burned out. The thoughts feel so real now — like I have a gut feeling that I don’t love him anymore, that I’ve changed, and I’m just forcing myself. I am also afraid that deep down, maybe I don’t want to love him anymore, I just want to feel “normal” again — and this terrifies me. Lately I feel like everything feels more and more real — like the thoughts and this horrible feeling are the truth that I was denying all along. Now I feel almost numb, like I have accepted this horrible idea and I can’t connect to my emotions any I feel desperate. I don’t know what is real anymore. Please, if anyone can relate or give some guidance, I would be very grateful. 💔 (edited)

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

this is draining me. in every way. ROCD

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community