Another win... for now.

Oh my god, where do I start? Trauma related OCD is the worst crap I've ever experienced in my life, hands down. It develops in some people after a traumatic experience. You can have both trauma related OCD and PTSD together or develop it after PTSD. Mine was like a transitionary phase and developed it after PTSD. I had every symptom of PTSD prior to this from witnessing a traumatic event which I will not go into detail about. But I will tell you how I went from PTSD to OCD and what I've experienced with all of this as some guy in their late 20s.  So, right after the traumatic event I developed poor concentration, reoccuring nightmares, fear, insomnia, restlessness, irritation, reoccurring thoughts about the event, forgetfulness and a faulty fight or flight response triggered by the thoughts. The freaking insomnia killed me for a year straight. Imagine going to sleep at 3 am and getting up at 7 am with a faulty fight or flight response kicking in right away for that whole entire day now. It felt like my body was boiling and radiating with the hottest energy you can imagine from my legs all the way up to my head. And I also felt weak, drunk and terribly lightheaded every single day. Rinse and repeat all of that for 1 year straight. Thank god that's over now. It was a damn nightmare of nightmares.  Most of those PTSD symptoms eventually disappeared but not all of them. I just found the will and mental strength in myself to let most of that PTSD crap go. But you know what happened pretty damn soon after that? It was all eventually replaced with trauma related OCD. It's like the PTSD evolved and didn't want me getting away so easily. For me, it's a mix of handwashing OCD and really bad somatic or sensorimotor OCD but that's not all. I also have distorted senses, bad forgetfulness, terrible concentration abilities, tension headaches and irritation every single day.  Here are some examples of what I go through; I'll turn the lights off, but my brain imagines the lights are on still. I'll stand there trying to process that the lights are off while fighting the distorted sense perception from my brain. So, I keep 'checking' to make sure the lights are indeed off. Not a good situation to be in. I have pretty much every somatic OCD symptom of breathing, swallowing, blinking, eye movements and most bodily functions. My brain's like telling me if you don't do it the 'right way' then I have to keep doing it until I feel like I did it the 'right way.' It's a 'feeling' issue, a really bad one I should say. All of this crap causes my fight or flight response to kick in, gives me some loss of sleep, irritation and mental agony. Also, if I 'feel' like I forgot to do something even though deep down I already know I did said thing, I feel compelled to do it again until that feeling subsides. It's like this, "I know I just did that but my brain wants me to feel like I didn't do it. Therefore, let's do it again." The handwashing is bad too. But I normally do it to 'feel good' about something in my head. Hence, the obsessive handwashing. The dfference between this OCD stuff and PTSD is that PTSD has you focused solely on the traumatic event while this OCD has me focused on many, many different compulsions which is much worse. One thing vs many compulsions? The latter is by far worse, trust me. Focusing on the compulsions screws up my ability to focus and think about what I'm doing at hand. If I ignore them, just imagine a tension headache with a really irritated hot spot forming in your head somewhere and coming in hard and fast. Now, I've successfully ignored many urges but... new ones just keep coming and forming. It's a constant battle. Every freaking day is a terrible battle with this stuff. If I slip up and let something become a compulsion and get out of hand, I fight it like fighting to the death and it then takes a while for me to climb back up out the hole I fell into. Once I'm out of the hole, the incessant battle of resisting continues. ​Here's some more weird things I do for example; basically, if I'm desperate to keep a compulsion away, I have to do other unrelated things a certain way or else I get the urge to go right back to doing said compulsion. And sometimes weird sensations, strain or pain I might feel while doing something throughout the day will alone trigger me to do an earlier compulsion. I also have to get a good night sleep after a battle with a compulsion. If I don't, that compulsion comes right back and I have to fight it the next day. It's a vicious cycle. I know, it's very screwed up. You don't have to tell me. I sometimes repeat myself over and over again out loud to make my brain "click" with what I'm saying. Now, this one started with the PTSD and I'm not sure if it's a cognitive and concentration issue or an OCD issue but it did actually get better over time thankfully. I hated that anyway. ​This is a glimpse of what I go through on a daily basis. And yeah, I do ERT all the time and it's not like a magic wand you can wave in the air and then everything's gone and back to normal. In my experience, it has worked for some things but other things, not so much. I've taken saffron, NAC, valerian root, passion flower, other supplements and other stuff to see if it would all help in some way. Saffron is touted as an SSRI equivalent but it did nothing for my OCD surprisingly except make me tired. I took it for a couple months and just hated the tired and drowsy feeling I got from it. The thing that actually worked somewhat for me is NAC. I took it for several months straight at a high dose and it actually altered my OCD behavior a little bit. I did 2600 MG of it everyday for several months. I stopped after a while because it really got my libido going. Yeah, won't go into that part. ​Anyway, I felt like I should share my story. As someone who's had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing both PTSD and trauma related OCD, people truly do underestimate the terrible suffering that OCD can inflict on its victims. I don't believe an SSRI or any cognitive supplement will "fix" your OCD but I believe one can be liberated from it if they do resist the compulsions long enough to where their brain sort of very slowly recalibrates itself to be less OCD about things in the future. But it will take a lot of mental strength, will power and most of all, time. Distracting yourself and focusing on what makes you happy is very beneficial too and is honestly what helped me the most out of anything. Everyone's OCD is unique to themselves. What works for me might not work for you. What you are experiencing may not necessarily be the same as what I'm experiencing. For example, some people have terrible harm OCD where they are afraid of acting out on their thoughts. I cannot relate to that. But if any of you can relate to some degree with what I have, feel free to share. I'll give you some tips that I learned from my experience with all of this that helped me. But just remember, what works for me might not necessarily work for you. - Try to adopt an 'I don't care mentality' for your ocd rituals: Try to treat it as something that you refuse to have define you as a person and as if it's just nonsense that means nothing in the end. - Stop it in the initial stages: If you feel a compulsion coming on, I've found that ignoring it right then and there works the best. Even if you act on the compulsion once when it just starts, you have enough time to stop it right then and there still by ignoring it. My brain thinks that the compulsion was therefore not a compulsion and moves on to find sonething else to focus in on. Just rinse and repeat at that point then. - Distract yourself immediately: This is probably one of the best things I ever did to get control of my OCD. If your brain starts up right then and there about something OCD related, just immediately focus on something you like to do. - My 'leave it behind' method: Move away from the area where the compulsions are occurring and go to a different room. It helped me sort of refresh my mind and brain by going to a different area and I found that a lot of my compulsions no longer 'follow me' to that different room. I can then later return to the same room where it started and be fine again. - Go work out: Another great thing to boost your mental health and possibly rid your mind of OCD is working out whether that be hiking, the gym, jogging or simply taking a walk. It's really great for overall mental well being. It helped me a lot. I never was one to give up. I've been through hell for a while now. My conscience use to be stuck in this blackest of blackness, sort of like nothingness. But eventually it started becoming more clear and I was able to start seeing through and beyond this blackness. It's like pulling a large black curtain away which was obstructing your field of vision completely and seeing something on the other side. That's where I'm at right now. I see something but it's faint. I'm just glad that it's something though. I'm thankful for that. Peace.

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

OCD master post Do's and don'ts of ocd: Don't : Try to ignore (avoidance) Try to make sense of it (Ruminate) Act on it (compulsion) Argue with it (basically Ruminating) Distract yourself in spite of it (avoidance) All of the above will make ocd worse and does not work. Do: Acknowledge it Accept uncertainty Redirect your attention once acknowledged to something else Have healthy distractions available (try to use different ones every now and then to avoid creating a compulsion) Exaggerate the thought until its ridiculous, borderline unrealistic and funny. Respond with "maybe, maybe not", " sure", "cool", "thanks, you do you, I'm gonna do my thing, feel free to stay though" The above responses can train your mind to not deem them as threats and over time will trigger the fight or flight response less and less. You'll most likely make mistakes here and there but as long as you stay vigilant and don't get complacent, this should help. Ironic process theory and our internal alarm system: https://youtu.be/xoSlOnUuw-U?feature=shared Ironic process theory is to do with attachment and the idea of non-existence. The more we try to not think about something that already exists as a thought the more it'll prove it exists and demands your attention. With attachment, people tend to ignore or argue against in spite of the thought. If you do this you are doing it because of the thought, therefore giving it more life. Thirdly your brain will start to set an internal alarm via thoughts and hormones or even bodily reactions every time you are stressed, just to see if you're not stressed about that trigger even if it's not what triggered you in the moment. To combat this, you'll need to find a way to deal with the thoughts directly and let them be and get through it via Erp, or being able to accept the thought as a thought and redirecting your attention without attachment (despite or regardless of the thoughts) Erp done effectively: When you do Erp in therapy sessions, it's done in a controlled way and on your own terms. A lot of people make the mistake of only doing it in therapy with only ocd related themes. Truth is, you can do it with any level of discomfort and it's good to practice whenever you can as long as you're mindful of other people. When you're doing it out of therapy and on your own terms, you challenge a potential trigger and then welcome the feeling that follows. I find welcoming or accepting the feelings existence helps a lot. I would welcome the fear and all the horrible feelings until I'm crying and trembling and on the edge of a panic attack, the feeling always fades and trains your brain not to deem it as a threat anymore. No more ocd firedrills. Why practice is valuable. Imagine you have a boxing match with an opponent coming up, and that opponent is tough. They train every day, and you don't train at all. Who do you think will win when the day of the fight comes around? The opponent of course. So train yourself so you stand a fighting chance or risk getting your butt kicked every time OCD enters the ring. Hormones and circadian ryhtm: So the circadian rhythm is your internal body clock. Your hormones learn patterns and release at certain times of day. Usually based on the amount of sunlight exposure you get. Cortisol the stress hormone is the one to wake us up and if you do not find a way to deal with those hormones first thing, your ocd alarm will go off and bring up scenarios or thoughts to fill in the gap as to why your body is stressed. ERP, Exercise, breathing meditations, cold plunges are great for the morning to eliminate excess cortisol. Sunlight helps too, roughly 30 minute exposures is enough to help keep your circadian rhythm healthy. Melatonin kicks in when it starts to get dark or you've went through your hormone reserves for the day. The more you go through in a healthy way, the better you'll sleep. Rough neuro science explanation : https://youtu.be/BJshegpcFv8?feature=shared So your brain will use one of 2 pathways to process external stimuli. The direct pathway, being the shortest route to process in case of a threat or perceived threat. This pathway is dominant in those who have ocd. The there's the indirect pathway which takes longer but is related to rationalising thoughts. This pathway is used less by people with ocd. This pathway requires sufficient seratonin levels in order to be used and that's why SSRIs are popular medications for people with ocd. Food and drink consumption: So I tested myself based on lots of personal research around what we put in our body and how it effects ocd. Sugar, fructose and glucose levels spike quite quickly depending on your source. It can lead your body being stressed and releasing the corresponding hormones to notify you are stressed, then your brain will try fill in the gap whether you're aware of this or not. Whole fruits tend to be the best source as they contain fibre, acting as a slow release of energy rather than flooding your system. Caffeine has the same effect without question, and also screws up your circadian rhythm if not taken at sensible times. Trans fats, saturated fats and processed foods are also bad. These may not effect your brain as quickly as sugar or caffeine but stress your body over a slower and longer period. All of the above are not just inflammatories for your muscles and organs, they are neuro inflammatories, making it much harder for your brain to use the indirect pathway for rationalising your thoughts, therefore supporting the direct neuropathway and your usual OCD patterns. The foods I started to eat are heavy in anti inflammatories to help my brain function better, anti oxidants to help lower the stress in my body, and food that support seratonin production to promote the use of the indirect neural pathway. The list below is vegan friendly, but you can look into this to suit your preferred needs ●Tryptophan - leafy greens, sunflower seeds, water cress, soy beans, pumpkin seeds, mushrooms, brocoli, peas ●vit b6 - nutritional yeast, muesli, avacado, pistachio nuts, butternut squash, banana, quinoa, brown spaghetti, chestnuts, hazelnuts, oranges, tahini, potatoes, chickpeas, kidney beans, peanuts ●higher b12 complex - yeast extract, Soya milk, almond milk, tofu, tempeh, seaweed, beetroot ●Vit D - portobello mushrooms, shitake mushrooms, orange juice, soya yoghurt ●zinc - beans, cashew nuts, Lentils, chia seeds, linseed, hemp seeds, wholemeal bread, blackberries, pomegranate juice, spinach, strawberries, pecan nuts, Brazil nuts, oatmeal ●Complex carbs - quinoa, brown rice, peas, corn, sweet potatoes, barley, lentils, nuts, legumes ●Thiamine / Vit b1 - beans, peas, legumes, nuts, brown rice ●Monounsaturated fats - extra virgin olive oil, other oils, nuts and avacados ●Vit c - guava, peppers, kiwi, mango, papaya, strawberries, brocoli ●Polyphenols - berries, dark chocolate, cocoa powder, nuts, flax seeds, olives, green tea, artichoke, red grapes, spinach ●Antioxidant - Brocoli, spinach, carrots, potatoes, artichoke, cabbage, beetroot, kale, spices ●Anti inflammatories - olive oil, avacado, walnuts, tomatoes, dark chocolate, leafy greens, brocoli, ginger, turmeric, berries, grapes, chia seeds, pepper, garlic, spirulina ●Raisins, red wine, grapes Mindfulness and being in the moment: So our brains do not know the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat and will react the same regardless of how we can rationalise it. A lot of us are stuck in the past or the future and mindfulness promotes being present. The past and future are both illusions of the mind. They are not happening now but our ocd brains react as if they are real. Anything that is not happening now isn't real. So practicing anything that will pull you closer to the present moment will help to ground you in reality. Everything that doesnt exist in the present is infinite and we cannot be certain of any of it, all we can be certain of is the here and now. Core values, self judgement and breaking the cycle : A lot of us are stuck in cycles, going around and around. These cycles are due to a lot of our core values and the thoughts/ past actions not lining up with the. These can be caused by trauma and/ or conditioning. Usually we can't let go because something clashed with the way in which we judge things, but the problem doesn't actually lie in our focus, but the values in which we judge them. The problem isn't what we weigh, but the scale itself. This is where it can get tricky, especially if what we think feels justified. It's not that your judging the scenario, actions or thoughts incorrectly, it's that your values are a bit on the extreme side. For example, I had harm ocd for 2 years and it was telling me to hurt everyone and everything in every way possible. This theme came about because I had a random intrusive thought once that clashed with my extreme values on morals having been raised by a reformed ex gangster and animal rights activist. The fault was caused by the conditioning I received. So when you go into therapy, please try to understand your conditioning and challenge them through Erp and some self compassion because it's not your fault. Where the fault lies does not matter, because that doesn't change what you need to do. You have to heal yourself regardless of it all.