ROCD

I just read a post that said “people with ROCD know they love their partners” right when I read it I got this horrible anxiety feeling rush down into my stomach. My partner asked me to be his girlfriend in December and literally since that night It’s like a switch of doubt turned on and I was suffering with consistent doubt about loving my partner, I felt like I didn’t feel anything anymore and I didn’t know what to do and through out the past months it has been an absolute wave of things going on. He is aware of my ocd and in a way I’m glad that this happened because I have had harm ocd for the past 4-5 years and had no idea what it was until 2 months ago when I got an OCD therapist, I just thought I was crazy so I’m happy to know I’m not. Buuuuttt back to the ROCD, my main thoughts and feelings are about not feeling like i love my partner anymore and if we’re compatible, I hyper fixate on the weight he’s gained in the past few months and all the bad food he eats, I think about if our lives even align, we have very different views on some things but are we too different, what if we really don’t know each other at all and we thought we did because we’ve been best friends for 10 years. This is so frustrating because I’ve gotten to the point where my anxiety is barely there, I was have constant outrageous anxiety for 3-4 months and now I’ve gotten to this numb, I literally feel absolutely nothing feeling and it’s not even with just my boyfriend it’s with everything, I just don’t feel happy with anything anymore, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. We got into an argument the other day about how rude I was and I didn’t even feel sad or apologetic when he was talking to me about it, and I couldn’t stop crying, like I just don’t feel anything. I feel like there’s something really wrong with me. All I can describe it as is “blank” does that make sense? I feel like a bad person and I feel like we’re going to break up and I can tell how sad he is. All I do know is that I don’t want to break up. But anytime I think about him or anything along the lines of my ROCD everything like freaks me out. I like scream “NO” and “STOP” in my head all the time. But it’s starting to really feel real. I’m so scared, and now I read that post that said that “people with ROCD know they love their partner” but WHAT IF I DONT KNOW!!! I WANT TO LOVE MY PARTNER. I want to feel the love I had for him before this all started. We were so happy, and we didn’t even get the honey moon phase because my ROCD started right when we made it official. This is seriously so crippling.

Acrasia

Date posted: 9w

I’m the same way as well, it does bother me a lot when my bf and I have our own differences and his physical weight as well but ig I just remember I said yes to be his gf cause no guy has treated me with care as he does. But no matter what that’s not an enough answer to my rocd, it focuses more on his flaws and stuff and it does feel heartbreaking to me cause then I start to feel he deserves someone better. If you don’t know if you love your partner, maybe you do or don’t. But the thing we can take is why are we still with them then? We do tend to suffer with indecision and urges.

Bugsthem

Date posted: 9w

@Acrasia He just broke up with me so um now I don’t know what to do

Acrasia

Date posted: 8w

@rhybug17 Oh damn I’m so sorry, how are you lately?

nikkilomillo

Date posted: 9w

I have the exact same issue with ROCD. I just one day woke up and started questioning everything about my relationship for some reason. All I know is that I don’t want to break up and no one is forcing me to. That’s the thing about OCD. It gives you some type of ultimatum of either your boyfriend or not. There are some days where it’s not as bad and there are some days it’s terrifying. For the first couple of weeks when I was being diagnosed, it was so hard to look at my boyfriend because I felt so guilty of these thoughts. I’m not exactly cured but I have seen a big amount of progress. ERP does actually help. Instead of fighting those fears, let it live and sit with you. You don’t gotta like it (trust me I do not) but you’re not accepting the fact you don’t love your boyfriend but you’re accepting the fact that these feelings are happening to you. Saying things like “I acknowledge that I am having the thought” while taking some deep breaths actually help me. Now it’s not an instant cure but it helps to cope. I am glad I’m not the only one feeling like this and I got you if you ever wanna talk!

Bugsthem

Date posted: 9w

@nikkilomillo Well he just broke up with me…

nikkilomillo

Date posted: 9w

@rhybug17 Are you serious? I’m so sorry that happened!

Bugsthem

Date posted: 9w

@nikkilomillo Yeah I had a really bad feeling/anxiety all day thinking he was going to break up with me and I thought it was maybe just my OCD latching on to it but I was right, he has really bad mental health issues and with how bad mine have been we’re just going back and forth feeding each others depression and anxiety which I totally get and we have such different relationship values on how we look at things, but I guess for him those things aren’t something he’s looking for in a wife and he’s the very traditional date to marry man and I’m very loud obnoxious doesn’t think before they speak kind of person and he wants a nice girly girl and I’m not like that I guess, and he doesn’t see a future with me anymore and that I’m not the right person for him anymore. He doesn’t like a lot about me but says he loves me and this is really hard for him because he always thought I was the one. We have all these plans coming up with family and we decided to still do them together but strictly platonically as friends and I just don’t know what to do. I want to do them but I think it’s going to make me so sad but I’ve been looking forward to these things with him. I thought that if we were ever going to break up i thought I would feel this moment of relief from all the thoughts but I feel so much worse, so much worse, the anxiety won’t stop

nikkilomillo

Date posted: 8w

@rhybug17 I’m so sorry but you deserve someone who would accept you for everything that you are without changing the things that make you you

Mariabae

Date posted: 17w

rocd

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 11w

please read- rocd… or is it? im in agony

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

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