how do i help myslef

I’m really struggling and I feel emotionally drained. Every time I spend time with my boyfriend — even when we do something nice, like watching old videos or just being together — I feel this heavy, painful disconnect. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t like him,” “he’s annoying,” “I feel nothing,” and it feels so real. We’ve been together for 2 years, and this has been going on for more than a year. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m constantly chasing a feeling that never comes. I’ve read everything about ROCD, about ERP, about how I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts… but even when I try, nothing makes me feel better. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore. When he wants to see me or come over, I avoid it. I don’t feel excited. I even feel afraid of being around him sometimes because I’m scared I won’t feel anything and that confirms my worst fear: that I’ve lost feelings or never had them. My chest feels tight all the time. I feel like I’m lying to myself and to him. I know he loves me so much — he even moved to my city to be with me. And yet here I am, thinking these horrible thoughts and feeling nothing. It makes me feel like a terrible person. But I’m also just so lost. Has anyone been through this? Where it all just feels too real, like you’ve hit the truth you’ve been avoiding? I feel like I’ve ruined everything, like I’ve been forcing feelings all along, and now there’s nothing left to feel.

RaRaRa

Date posted: 9w

I have gone though this and is hard, may I ask how was your first months after the spike started??

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

@RaRaRa honestly, every month i feel its worser and worser.. i feel like inloat myslef..

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

@RaRaRa but at first i knew something is off and that these thoughts are fake… now they feel real.. maybe because they have been controlling me

RaRaRa

Date posted: 9w

@Mariabae I think the problem as been long enough to make you feel emotionally exhausted, since you are going through an episode since almost a year (as me) your brain and heart are already exhausted to fight your thoughts and the way you feel. Everyone deals with the apathy in different ways, is not like you don't love your partner, is more like you are tired of feeling this way so you are angry to yourself and want to be alone When people is overwhelmed by anxiety and thoughts, at some point you get a emotional blockage because everything as been too intense You already have the core of the problem and when it started: "there is something off" "is not normal to feel/think this way from a moment to other, there's must be something" Is not like you don't love your partner anymore is just you being extremely tired and upset, if you didn't love him you wouldn't be feeling fear of let him down Are you in any medication by any chance? Also I apologize for my rough English!

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

@RaRaRa im not… i tried therapy but she made it worse… i feel stuck.

RaRaRa

Date posted: 9w

@Mariabae Im sorry your previous therapist has worsened your symptoms! Its very common when the specialist doesn't know how to approach the subject or is that skilled in that area (my previous therapist told me that emotionally cheating is ""okay"" while you don't act on it, a total BS when you are going through Cheating ROCD) I would suggest to find another therapist until you can find someone who can really help you By any chance you have experienced the common anxiety or depressive symptoms during your spike? Wishes of off yourself, panic attack, can't do nothing because you are more focused on your thoughts, etc etc

Mariabae

Date posted: 9w

@RaRaRa i sadly cant go to another therapist due to various factors. And yes , i i have lots of anxietyy and deprsive symptoms, i dont feel like my bubbly self anymore. i cant be happy.

RaRaRa

Date posted: 9w

@Mariabae Sorry to hear you cant access to another therapist! Tbh I would suggest to find a psychiatrist that can prescribed you a medication while you are still looking for help, because this isn't something you can't face alone without proper help

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

i cant do it

I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He’s kind, loving, supportive — and I know he loves me deeply. But I can’t feel anything anymore. I sit next to him, and I feel numb. I kiss him, and it feels empty. I remember how I used to feel, and now… nothing. It terrifies me. The worst part is that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I constantly question if I ever loved him, if I’m just forcing things out of guilt or fear. Sometimes I imagine breaking up, and I feel nothing — and that scares me even more. I keep thinking: if I really loved him, wouldn’t I feel it? I’ve read about ROCD. I want to believe that’s what this is. But the thoughts feel so real. And I can’t stop spiraling. My therapist didn’t help — she made me feel like maybe I was lying to myself. My mom either tells me to stop overthinking or gets angry. I have no one to really talk to. If anyone here has been through this — through the numbness, the “what if I never loved him?” thoughts, the feeling like it’s all fake — please tell me how you got through. I’m exhausted. I just want to feel peace again.

Mariabae

Date posted: 10w

i need someone to respond rocd

Today, my boyfriend — who usually doesn’t post much — made a really sweet TikTok with me. He used a trend where he called me his princess and posted it on Close Friends. It was thoughtful and loving… but I felt nothing. And that terrified me. Last night, I looked at him while we were lying in bed and had a thought: “I lost feelings. I don’t like him anymore.” It hit me like a wave, and since then I’ve been so scared that this is all the proof I need that I don’t love him. The worst part? I’m not feeling any positive emotions at all. No joy. No spark. No connection. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to feel something — anything — and I just can’t. I’m scared that the numbness means the love is gone. I’m scared I never truly loved him. I’m scared I’ve just been coping all this time, forcing it. I feel like the relationship is fake, like I’m fake, and everything is falling apart. And still… he keeps showing up for me. He’s loving, kind, and consistent. He tells me how much he loves me. But I can’t feel the warmth anymore, and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m miserable, I feel like a shell, and I’m terrified that this is my truth — that I don’t love him and I’m just in denial. I need help. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living in this constant fear, panic, and emotional numbness. I don’t know what to trust anymore — the thoughts, the feelings, or the memories that feel blurry. Has anyone felt this too?

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how do i help myslef

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