- Date posted
- 16w
You are not broken or a monster
And that’s why your fear isn’t truth. It’s a glitch in the system — not your soul.
And that’s why your fear isn’t truth. It’s a glitch in the system — not your soul.
(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?
Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing pleasure with my intrusive thoughts. Like I just keep thinking them over and over, or even making them worse, because maybe deep down I *want* them. And that’s honestly scary. It feels like I’m trying to prove I’m a bad person or even a p*dophile just to see if I feel disturbed enough for it to count as “real distress.” But sometimes, I don’t even feel that bad. Sometimes it’s just… nothing. Because if I don’t feel guilty or sick enough, doesn’t that mean I like it? That I want to keep thinking about it? Sometimes it feels like I like it. And that’s when I spiral the hardest. But lately, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually chasing pleasure. Maybe I’m just chasing certainty. This desperate need to feel bad enough to prove to myself I’m a good person. And when I don’t feel that level of distress, I panic. I do compulsions, just trying to force that feeling. But it never feels “right.” It never feels enough. And I get stuck in this loop of testing, checking, pretending to be okay with these awful thoughts just to see how I’ll react. It’s confusing. It’s exhausting. And it makes me question everything about myself. But I think I don’t actually want these thoughts. Maybe I just want to know, with 100% certainty, that I don’t. If you’re stuck in the same cycle, I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not your thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. And that’s okay.
I feel like I more than anyone have committed horrible acts. Specifically, when I was a teen. I don’t want to talk about them because I feel ashamed of them. I think that is something I would rather converse with my therapist instead. Recently I learned of remorse. I thought I felt remorse for what I did but I learned I in fact felt guilt. There’s a difference. People who feel guilt feel ashamed because they think it means they’re a bad person. People who feel remorse feel ashamed because they think of how the other person felt. I am still trying to understand it to be honest. I find it hard sometimes to understand how others feel. I do worry if that makes me a psychopath but I’m not going to go into that because I have a message to tell and reassurance will only pursue the cycle. I haven’t been diagnosed. I feel like many of us feel guilt not remorse. Or maybe it’s just me. I think, for me, my guilt is causing me to push someone away and further ruin my relationship with them. But when I learned of remorse yesterday I had the impulse to go hug them and talk to them. At first I wondered if this made me a predator for wanting to do that but as I tried to understand the emotions a little more I felt not a sexual drive like a big brick in my pants but rather like a warm embrace. One that my mom gave me when I was a baby. The emotion was not sexual, it was a nurturing love. I also heard a wonderful example where a woman said she was afraid of being something she wasn’t. Another woman told her she was that thing. Immediately the woman felt fear and anxiety and then the other woman said, “You are also a spider.” The other woman was confused. You think you are that thing because you focus on it so much. You are not that thing. You are not a spider even though you may have acted like one. This leads me to another wise saying that I learned of a man who was worried about his past actions and another man told him, “Your past does not define you and your acts of redemption do not redeem you.” That was as much as I can remember but I’m going to add a bit more to it. “Your past does not define you and your acts of redemption do not redeem you. Your guilt will stay with you, and it will also remind you. The car has a fuel tank. It has to have that to keep moving. But if the whole car was a fuel tank there would be no room for the engine or the passenger seat and the drive would likely die from the intense sleep of fuel. So, feel guilt, but leave it a fuel tank.” I feel too much guilt but forgot to feel remorse. I personally am going to try to change it. If you were harmed, would you rather that person apologized but then never see you again and not try to regain your trust out of guilt? Or would you prefer for them to come over and treat you better after they apologized? Some have done irredeemable mistakes and I feel like the those people who felt guilt over those mistakes now know that the world isn’t black and white. I don’t mean to exalt myself but I am planning this scene in a book I want to write about where the protagonist is about to kill a man who he trusted and who personifies the devil. “The devil is worshipped by all, boy. The devil always wins. You think killing me will redeem you. It just means I win. Those who love God pursue righteousness. But those who hate God follow me. And those who hate me follow me as well. And those who love me follow me as well. Because those who hate me do what I do in order to accomplish their hate. And those who love me forget I exist and follow in my footsteps. You let me live and I live on. You kill me. I live on through you.” Then I’m thinking the boys says, “Then I’ll cripple you.” But he does end up killing him, unfortunately. I’m still workshopping it. Anyways, I think what I’m trying to take from this is, your guilt happened. Stop trying to redeem yourself because you never will. Learn from it and move forward.
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