please help rocd

I uninstalled this app for a while bc i was posting very much, but my compulsions continued. I went to a festival with my boyfriend and my friends, i waited one year for this moment and , it was like hell bc of my thoughts. It made me act so bad, i had so many mood swings, i was crying randomly bc i was thinking i am not in love anymore. even in the last day of the festival, in the middle of frikng Ken Carsons show, i had thoughts about me not loving my boyfriend, that the annoys me and it just felt so real. It felt and it feels straight up like it is real this time and i dont know what to do. Maybe this is not ocd and i just found an excuse all this time. Im avoiding intimacy, im not saying i love you, i feel repulsed by him for no reason, all off this is like proof to me but it feels so bad. So so bad. I ruined the moment i was waiting for so much, and not only for me, but for him, someone here told me i feel out of love. Im scared that this is not ocd. that im just a good person who does not accept the truth, and that dosent want to hurt him. I feel like i have changed and have no feelings. He tells me that im not supposed to feel love everytime but why dont i feel it al all. im scared and tierd. Im scared that i do t have ocd. i have been lime this for so long, (2 years) that i started to think i never loved him and i just want the ideea of me to love him, and maybe im crying rn not because i want to love him but because im tierd of feeling like this. please someone help me. i dont know what is happening. i cant even kiss him or be intimate and im thinking “LOOK IS PROOF I DONT LOVE HIM” . PLUS im so rude to him and im acting badly and when he tells me he dosent feel loved i feel so numb. like i do t care???? is this real??? it feels real this time??? maybe this is not rocd, i cant enjoy anything and it somehow makes sense that i only want the ideea of liking him please i told my mom i dont feel live and she told me “Why are you struggling? Are you staying with him out of pity or out of compromise? Have you been like this for 2 years? How long will you last?” im hurting myslef and him

ghicks428

Date posted: 4w

Girl me too and certain things will bother me like the way he eats something and I can feel literal rage building up and I convince myself I actually hate him but how could I he’s so sweet but I feel myself wanting to be so mean and it’s like everything he does I feel like I can find something wrong with it and I’m like this nitpicking controlling abuser and it makes me feel like I’m a narcissist and it doesn’t help my dad told me I’m a lot like my mother so I’m like great I AM an abuser now he deserves better but why can’t I let him go

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@ghicks428 i understand, you atr not alone

I’m Batman

Date posted: 4w

Sorry if I missed it, how long have you and your boyfriend been together?

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@I’m Batman 2 years and 4 months, and have been dealing with this for almost 2 years

I’m Batman

Date posted: 4w

@Mariabae A therapist told me once that ocd is ego-dystonic… it attacks what you love or value the most. I skimmed over the last 13 weeks of your posts. You are either an evil genius who’s brainwashed your bf for over 2 years to stay with you even though you don’t love him …or….or you love the shit out of the fella. I’m leaning towards you love the shit out of him. Because I seriously doubt you would go through 2 years of mental gymnastics that ocd does to us , for someone you truly in your heart of hearts did not want to be with. I could be wrong. I could also be right. I could also be the tooth fairy, who knows , uncertainty right ?!? Maybe try a different approach, take a step back, breathe and stop trying to figure out your feelings. I know how hard it is. I fight it everyday as well. And like you I have good and bad days. I’ve broke down in tears and rocked back and almost gave up a few times. Sometimes we just have to reach down deep, and tell ocd not today asshole. Reach down with me, pull your hand up, extend that middle finger and tell OCD , I don’t need to figure out how I feel right now. We don’t need to know the answer to your stupid questions. How about we tell our selves, one week. Let’s just focus on being present , not avoiding him and leaning into him for the next week. Let’s not engage with that little voice that tells us all the little naughty what ifs and doubts. Sure we know it’s there and it’s talking, but we don’t have to answer it. We don’t need to know right now how we feel. We will worry about that 7 days from now. You have been with him 2 years, 7 more days won’t make or break you. Let’s delay that compulsion. Let’s starve that little bastard of its compulsions and our misery… even if only for a week.

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@I’m Batman but i have thins thing …. like whenever i ignore the thoughts and let them be there i start to think this is the real me and that i don’t actually like him, that im lying to myself and him and forcing myslef to stay… i dont know how to explain the feeling i get. its like “yeah i know its real “ but at the same time i dont want to do anything about it. I feel so fake… and i start to be rude to him for no reason… and he observes how i act and he dosent feel loved and im just so sad… i dont know how to explain the feeling i have when i try to dismiss the thoughts.. its like i know its not ocd and im pretending

I’m Batman

Date posted: 4w

@Mariabae I think I relate. Actually pretty sure I’ve done the same. I get this feeling like I’m a fraud. I’m leading my wife on. Just wasting her time. Sometimes I get this weird urge to say dumb things and be rude as well. I feel like it’s almost as if I’m trying to push her away. Like I don’t have the ability to end the relationship so I will be a dick , maybe in hopes that she will make the choice for us. Here’s the thing though. I’m guessing much like my wife, your boyfriend knows you. Has been around our ocd long enough to suspect what we are up too. And yet they still choose us. They know we are a package deal, but said yeah, give me more of that. Don’t try to dismiss the thought. Acknowledge them. Let them know you see them there but you don’t give a shit. If you wanna really flip the game on OCD, try and own the thoughts. Yeah I’m a fraud so what? Maybe I don’t love him, who cares. I’m still going to spend time with him. Keep telling me how bad I am brain, I will keep doing it. Maybe I will do it more. Oh you want us to think we are repulsed by him and avoid him? Thanks brain, I’m going to cling to him like a spider monkey instead. All this kind of sounded silly to me at first. But my therapist told me to lean into the opposite of what ocd was telling me. And boy the more I did it the more it started working. It’s like we are reprogramming our brain. Hey brain this shit does not really matter as much as you think. And boy is it fucking hard. But it’s possible. And I believe you can do it.

Mariabae

Date posted: 4w

@I’m Batman thank you, i hope this is not my real self, even if it feels like it is, i hate this, its like i cant remeber the times i did feel love

Mariabae

Date posted: 13w

i need help, i dont know what is happening

I believe I have ROCD — at least, that’s what many people here have told me based on what I’ve shared — and I really need help, because I feel like I’m falling apart. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I don’t know what’s real. My thoughts come as loud, cold statements — not questions. They say things like: “Nothing is the same.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just staying because you’re used to him.” And even though I know I’m supposed to let the thoughts pass and not engage with them — I can’t. I get stuck in them. I try to find answers, I ruminate, I check, I cry, I panic. Everyone says “love isn’t just a feeling” — and I know that. But… I still want to feel something. I want to feel warmth, or connection, or even just peace. It’s been so long since I felt anything like that. Now everything just feels empty or terrifying or cold. My brain only gives me negative interpretations. No memory brings me comfort anymore. Nothing feels like it used to. And the worst part is — it all feels true. Sometimes I think: “What if I’m just denying the truth?” “What if I’ve finally realized that I don’t love him, and I just don’t want to admit it?” This feels like the worst version of myself. I’m so confused and scared and tired. Even therapy didn’t help — my therapist said things that made it worse, and now I don’t know who or what to believe anymore. I just want help. I want to know how to face ROCD — if that’s what this really is. I want to believe I can feel love again. I don’t want to lose myself in this forever. Has anyone else felt like this? How did you start to get better? i cant even remember past good memories with him, my head tells me that i didnt love him and i was just “excited “ to have someone. We have 2 years together and i have been dealing with this for a year and a half.

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

please read- rocd… or is it? im in agony

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

Mariabae

Date posted: 12w

i am scared ROCD. RESPOND

i feel nothing for my partner and i read coments in reddit r/rocd with people suggesting to remeber the good times with your partner but i cant remeber times i loved him or felt real love because everythibg is drowned in doubt and thoughts and i think many negative things such as “i never loved him i just liked the ideea of an relationship and when the thoughts started (one and a half years ago) i realised i didnt actually loved him but i hust cant accept the truth because i put hight expextesions in this relationship and i just coped all the moments forving myslef ro think i do love him” our relationship has normal wring and hw is a great guy and ny family loves him but i obly think i dont love him and even being next to him does not help. im in the worst flare up ever can someone relate or give me advice on how to get better. i tried thrapy but it made it worse and i cant go so i need to heal ob my own. i talk very much to chat gbt and post here often. people here told me i have rocd but in steal questioning this. ever since i found out about rocd i have been worser and worser. i canr remeber how to love. my memories are blured nothing makes me happy. i feel like i have changed into someone that once i was afraid of becoming. when this started i knew it was all fake but now it feels real. im so scred. my thoughts came in affirmaations making svenarios about me not loving him or explenesions of why i feel how i feel and it feels so real. im just si lost and confused i keep trying to find an answer and someone who is in the same situation but everytime i get a positive or negative response from someone it dosent calm me. i feel like im in denial. if someone tells me somethibg posituve i think its fake and that in lying masking the fact that i dont love him as rocd and if u get a negative response my chest hurts. I know its not the end of the world if i dont end uo with him but all of this does not make sense. its just out of the blue. can you stop liking someone out of the blue?? I feel so many negative emotions towords him and i dont understand why. i lost my spark and its all because of the thoughts. He triea to use logic on me saying that if i didnt cared or liked him i would not be this sad and cry so much but it does not help. My therapist told me “you can care about people but it doaent meab you like them” and last session she was only trying to make me realise i dont love him but it felt wrong. I have been like this 24/7 since september 2023. we are a couple since april 2024 and everything feela fake i doubt everything. i want to be normal. my chest hurts.

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