What comes to mind? What does this mean for you?

I have goals for my life, I also believe that I am meant to be successful and that God has put me on this earth to be successful. At one point this belief has kept me going (and still does) however OCD has attached itself to this belief and made it more hell instead of inspiration, especially with constant reminders to "Tap in" and " Work before its too late" whether its in church or online. It makes me not want to work on my goals and actually any motivation that I did have is completely gone. It has even sparked a new obsession with the Idea that God will snatch my purpose away from me, or that God will end my life, or that God took my motivation as punishment for not acting faster, although the reason why I haven't acted on my goals yet is because of OCD and anxiety around my goals. I have a whole lore when it comes to OCD and my goals.

This is not meant to fend anyone- rather your religious or not- somewhere in the middle-ect just expressing how I I feel.. I haven’t been to church since I was like… 13 years old… I’m now 34. I was raised Christian. My dad was the one who encouraged Christianity/church as a kid but he also is the person who sexually and verbally abused me, he also was an alcoholic and crack addict/drug addict. Not saying people with severe substance issues can’t be religious HOWEVER as a child he hurt me, over and over and over again. Once him and my mom split up I stopped going to church cuz I rebelled and felt like he only went to church to hide the truth of who he was. It’s just how i felt. I don’t know know truth and want know the truth becuase he died 2 years ago. The truth wouldn’t matter anyways. I’m also bisexual, and don’t beleive some of the (in my opinion) hateful judgmental things I see spread by certain religions, i do get religion is a spectrum tho. Long story to say, my 11 year old daughter has many friends who go to this specific christian church, and I agreeed to sign her up for a summer basketball team the church offers- only because the schedule worked for us and she knows kids in the program. She’s been asking to go to a few Sunday services in order to get to know the ppl /kids more so when she starts basketball she will know some ppl. So today, I’m going to church for the first time , I feel weird about it due to my past. I am not anti religion, I believe in being a good person and if god is real he will see that and that’s what matters. But church brings up trauma for me in ways. Anyone ever deal with this? Words of advice? I want to let my daughter choose her own path and explore religion if she chooses too so I am trying to support her, I’m just scared to go and feel judged cuz I literally have pink hair, piercings, tattoos, don’t agree w some extreme values ect. Idk compulsion a lot this am and heart is racing .

What’s involved in this process? •demons •tyrants (actual people) •replacing hobbies with church I believe we were all born with talents, interests, I don’t think religion or spirituality should ever be a hobby or something for fun or to dive into when ur bored religion or spirituality should only be approached when needed needed crucially needed is what I’m starting to believe. That just makes sense. Why would God want us thanking him constantly when he just wants to help us and want us to know like “hey bro here if u need anything holler at me.” and like he kicks up his feet and does his own thing, like what if god is just like that and then here I am having mad anxiety that I just put Gods name I lowercase but I meant no disrespect towards god when doing that. n that’s my point again, why would the person who created me to experience feeling grass on my thighs and walking this earth to look at sunsets he creates for us each day n eat good yellow mangos n explore rainforest and ultimately “LIVE LIFE.”, of course I would assume the one who wanted us to experience life on earth for a bit would maybe perhaps be like any ordinary day and say, “make good decisions.” Before you walk out the door, like imagine the whole Bible was just those 3 factors I’ve just pointed out •live life • make good decisions •I’m here if you need me I’m really gonna create the type of God that works for me idc anymore this is really giving me so much peace Do/Did many/most people with OCD have an absent parent/abusive parent? I’m starting to think that could also be another reason why OCD is developed Is that already a proven fact? Would make lots of sense.