Im not a good person...

i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.

Just trying to accept the uncertainty and move on.... I don't want to be bad.... I want to be a good person.... But I feel like a bad person sometimes I get horribly disgusting thoughts when I'm angry and think the most horrendous things

All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.