Random ocd thought that popped up

I was doing so good recently but than a random thought popped up and it’s bothering me. I’m a nerd and my boyfriend knows so, I used to play a game called character ai a lot a long time ago because it was a hobby of mine and I’d create stories with fictional characters and create romance, spicy or adventure stories etc. I stopped playing it because my ocd acted up really bad and was convincing me I was being unfaithful and my boyfriend and I talked about it since I tell my boyfriend everything from start to finish and he’s amazing he always comforts me and is so gentle when it comes to my ocd. But today I had a really bad thought dealing with that game. I remember I created a story on there using a scene from a tv show or movie etc, since that’s how most of my stories would go on that app, and myself, my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s friend was a character in the story. My boyfriend and I were doing something in and then I remember creating a scene where his friend showed up and talked with him at the door for a minute and then left and that’s all I remember of him being in the story. But of course my ocd was like “What if you created just a story with him and you don’t remember?” Or even “You felt nervous, that means you did do it.” Gosh I freaked, and I still am. I know I never would do that, and I know I didn’t but then I panicked because I felt feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear and just a heart dropping sensation. It’s like I don’t feel 100% certain unless I get reassurance from my boyfriend and just ugh I was doing so good and then this popped up.

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 6w

Hello 🧡🍁🎃, I see you are struggling with intrusive thoughts around being infidelity and are experiencing distress as a result. I also noticed that you mentioned how reassurance fames you "feel" 100% certain. Well the fact of the matter, is that certainty is a feeling, not a fact. In other words, we live in uncertainty daily, as a part of our lives. With OCD we feel we can't accept this uncertainty, in the areas associated with values we hold dear. Further, we often see what we call thought action fusion, were thought are considered actions. Instead of seeking reassurance or avoiding your game, have you tried to resist these actions and instead sit with uncertainty? Were you able to let your distress pass? Were you struggling to find how to start? At NOCD we are trained experts in the diagnosis and treatment of OCD and related conditions using Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). ERP is the gold standard of treatment for OCD and related conditions, with the better part of the past century's research backing the efficacy of ERP. If you would like more information on OCD and ERP, please visit our website at www.treatmyocd.com. If you are seeking to begin/resume your journey of recovery, you may reach out to our member advocate team at care@nocdhelp.com. I hope this message reaches you well and know that at NOCD, we are always here to help! Take care, Ian M. Reeder

🧡🍁🎃

Date posted: 6w

@Ian Reeder Thank you for your reply! I have been able to at times to sit with the distress and then eventually it will pass, it’s like sometimes when I tell myself “You know you didn’t do that” my mind is constantly always like “What if what if” and it’s very hard to sit there and just let it be and I’ve done it before sometimes are just harder than others because when I try exposure,I sometimes will think of the intrusive thought over and over, but then it’s almost like the thought is too gut wrenching to even imagine myself doing if that makes sense!

DannyO507

Date posted: 20w

I need help

So I have been struggling with the same theme of ocd for 4 months now. My ocd centers around past events/false memories that ocd skews to make seem bad or it twists my thoughts on what my intentions were. this is related to cheating or being weird while I have been in my amazing relationship. I have never cheated on my partner and never will and I believe it is wrong. But my ocd is telling me other wise. I love my partner so very much and I would never want to hurt him but my brain is getting to me. I was getting better. I was trying “maybe I did, maybe I didn’t”, I have been back on meds and in therapy and I stopped confessing random interactions from years/months ago about 1.5 weeks ago and it really helped. But now I woke up this morning and feel the pit in my stomach again. I feel extra critical and like why would you do this? What does this say about you? What was your intention with this? And I’m just stuck mentally reviewing and ruminating on everything you could imagine. I know my personality and I know in the moment maybe I did find them attractive but mainly I was just being nice or funny or even just a good friend, but looking back now I’m like “was it flirting?” “Why did I still snap this person” “why would I even talk to them” and stuff like that. I feel this intense sense of guilt. I have told my partner everything that I keep getting stuck on and he didn’t care, he said he understands or “that’s a little weird but it’s okay” and hasn’t missed a beat. He said eveything I’ve told him is normal and I’ve heard that from my friends too. I just really need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so disappointed because I thought I was gonna be done with this, so why am I still so worried and caught up in this.

🧡🍁🎃

Date posted: 10w

Feeling scared anyone else relate to this theme?

So this is my second post of the day and before I post this I’m not looking for reassurance just feeling very fearful about this situation and need to vent. Sometimes my false memory ocd gets so bad I have to download past data of any apps on social media to make sure I didn’t do anything and even then it doesn’t help. I did that with my Snapchat data and I saw that I had someone from a very toxic and past relationship on my snap that I remembered I had deleted a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I started dating. I didn’t notice it until I recently had the compulsion to go recheck all the data I downloaded to make sure. When I saw the date I deleted them and that it was a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I got together, I felt my face get hot, I started tearing up and I started freaking out. And then of course my thoughts started rolling in “What if you deleted them because you texted them and did it to make sure your boyfriend didn’t see?” Or “What if you still had their number in your phone and texted them?” Etc. etc. I felt horrible after I noticed that he was still on my snap, I know I forgot because I was only focused on my boyfriend and I spending time together, and I don’t hardly ever use Snapchat in general so I just basically leave the app alone and such. I’m just so worried now and It’s bothering me. I also experienced a thought like “What if I knew he was still on there and I kept him on there on purpose?” I can’t deal with these thoughts anymore, they’re so exhausting, and the fact that I even have these thoughts and they always try to attack my relationship just makes me so mad and upset.

carrotroot12

Date posted: 4w

Another memory here to haunt me/someone respond!!!

I had a best friend middle school. We were friends for a long time and I can guarantee with 100% certainty that not once did I ever have any crush or romantic feelings for her. No matter how much I analyze it, I can’t find any trace of romantic feelings. However what is eating me alive right now, is a time where she was showing me a martial arts move and I was VERY uncomfortable. I’m not really a touchy person even with friends I’ve never been comfortable with hugging or anything like that. Even if i’m very comfortable with that friend I just don’t like to be touchy feely. But when she was showing me her martial arts moves I immediately got very uncomfortable and stiff especially because to my brain it was like a sexual position and I didn’t like it. So as I sat there full of discomfort she was sitting on my groin and my focus went to my groin and I felt a tingle. I immediately got up and just felt disgusted and again, UNCOMFORTABLE. Yk that uncomfortable distressing feeling you get with a groinal response? that’s how it felt. I don’t remember what happened after but it never changed my sexuality or how I viewed her. I completely forgot about it and we remained friends for a little while in high school but nothing ever changed. Now that my OCD has latched onto my childhood exploration/reaction to sexual content/porn use/ false memories/this particular memory/ and me mistaking a cartoon character and masc lesbian as men, I have been going actually insane. Before my spiral i completely forgot ab all of this. It didn’t mean anything to me and changed nothing. The logical side of my brain tells me I’m obsessing over nothing, my real genuine feelings i’ve had for men all my life and the ones I felt for my boyfriend after years of numbness, are the real me. But my OCD is telling me it HAS to mean something that i know nothing about myself. But what tf does ocd know if even when I had no attraction and had absolutely 0 libido(still happening but worse now) I was in my mans car 2 months ago literally wanting him to kiss me, feeling a thick layer of attraction for him, admiring his smile and his eyes, and this was when my mind was clear and ocd let wasn’t fully running my life. I feel my mind and body shutting down again. I’m going back to that fully numb place again. It’s crazy because I felt like I was slowly defeating OCD a couple months ago. The feelings I felt for my (now) boyfriend after years of feeling nothing were coming back and made me feel like I could fight this. Now I feel like everything is ruined again. I miss how I used to feel about my man. I’m going crazy again I FUCKING HATE THIS. I used to be able to tune this out and enjoy my time with him but not anymore. This is consuming me again. The checking, rumination, mental reviewing, analyzing, reassurance, hyper awareness, the numbness, loss of attraction, the fucking debilitating anxiety IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I’m questioning everything I do and feel, even the good feelings I have with my boyfriend. I miss who i was 2 months ago even if it was still slightly controlled by ocd, I had hope. My posts when the spiral was barely started showed how much hope I had. Now i have lost it. I feel anxious and like a liar when I call, text, or am round him when it used to give me peace. I just reminisce thinking about our early dates and I feel like those feelings are fully lost. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone.

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