BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

Anxiety, POCD, real event 20+ only

So am I'm beginning to understand my anxiety more, I feel like it's becoming harder to understand. I'm not really sure why but I have steps that I'm taking to truly try and get through handling these feelings. Adults only please . . . . . It's made me realize why I watch porn because it's to get away from the anxiety and it's the only time I'm not feeling anxiety but it ends up coming back stronger and I end up feeling worse afterwards. What bothers me even more is when disgusting pedophiles post stuff with fictional child characters in it (People say it's legal because they aren't real and that's just sick to me and it means creeps and monsters can use this and have no consequences) on YouTube and I just happen to be scrolling by videos and boom stupid stuff like that is just there and it feels intense anxiety and pretty much dying on the inside because of nasty shit like that. I just want to be able to control my anxiety and not have it control me anymore. Does any other adults and ONLY ADULTS relate?

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

I struggle with real event and have felt guilty over stuff I somehow saw online on accident. Doesn’t help that I genuinely have done terrible things. Just gotta keep sitting with it

BigGyro09

Date posted: 17h

If it's not the things I've seen by accident it's the messed up things I've done when I was a teenager. It sucks.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17h

@BigGyro09 Me too. I was 19. My actions horrify me now. I don’t think there is any good in tormenting ourselves now though. I became a social worker so the shame and fear of people knowing is an added layer of anxiety. I enjoy helping people. I’ve done a lot of good, but just know it’s still OCD. Have you tried medication?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous It's always good to help people. I was a lot younger, like 13 It's hard to just have it sit as OCD because it feels too real. I've considered medication many times but it scares me. There's a couple side effects that I know I would absolutely hate dealing with so I've just been trying to do things that would help calm my anxiety. I'm trying to be more understanding of my anxiety rather than judge it so harshly these days

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@BigGyro09 That’s all you can do. Remember there is no answer that will ever be good enough

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous Yeah. Would be nice to just leave it in the past for good though. I hope you've been doing well despite the past memories OCD likes to hold onto

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@BigGyro09 I struggle all the time. I can’t even confess to the person I wronged not just because it’ll make OCD worse but she’s committed several crimes against me and isn’t an understanding person. Two felonies in with my name on her mugshot kind of life. She said she was me when she shoplifted. Booked under my name.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@BigGyro09 So I sit with it. Hard days happen, but I still have good days too.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous Do you have a therapist you can talk to about all of this?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 16h

@Anonymous I'm glad the good days still show up

Anonymous

Date posted: 15h

@BigGyro09 Yes, I do ERP therapy and I’m considering starting Prozac to help. Good days can still be there for you too. There is also TMS for OCD that helped too

BigGyro09

Date posted: 15h

@Anonymous Don't the side effects scare you medication? Is there anything holding you back from doing it? I need to try and learn exposure and response prevention myself.

Anonymous

Date posted: 15h

I stopped most compulsions. The less I do the better I feel with uncertainty

BigGyro09

Date posted: 15h

With medication*

Anonymous

Date posted: 15h

@BigGyro09 With TMS

BigGyro09

Date posted: 13h

@Anonymous What is TMS?

Anonymous

Date posted: 12h

@BigGyro09 Transcranial magnetic stimulation. It helps the malfunctioning parts of our brains

BigGyro09

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous How interesting, I've never heard of that before

Anonymous

Date posted: 12h

@BigGyro09 Do a little research on it. It reduces symptoms

BigGyro09

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous I should. I have a question. Do you ever have moments where something happens out of nowhere and someone else is there and you want to confess to them a warning really badly by the anxiety just holds you in a cycle of whether you should or not? That happened to me today and I feel bad about it. I tried to put it in perspective and really let it go but I can't.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12h

@BigGyro09 Yeah, it’s all just the ocd

BigGyro09

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous It feels like it but then it doesn't. It feels like I messed up and I should've said something. But I was just too scared to and I just couldn't choose what to do. I hate it when this happens.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 12h

@Anonymous I'm glad you relate though

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Lulu~

Date posted: 21w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

please44I

Date posted: 15w

Pocd

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

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Anxiety, POCD, real event 20+ only

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