- Date posted
- Yesterday
grieving a living person, please help
my intrusive thoughts have controlled me ever since i was young. i’ve had constant fears of my loved ones dying in horrific car accidents and being unable to come home from work at night, passing away in their sleep, cancer, etc. and i’ve always thought that praying (when i still identified as christian) and doing things in a “right way” (strict routines, repeating the same task three times no more/less, so on…) would save them. for a while, i was okay with not doing these things. i was okay with sitting with the uncertainty and letting my mind think “so what?” if those things happen because i felt safe enough to do so. but im afraid to say that during the summer, my worst fears came true—my intrusive thoughts seemed to come true. my boyfriend of years quite literally died and came back to life and i dissociated for those couple of weeks until my body finally let me register what happened. i was so afraid and scared and i felt my body get physically sicker as the days went on. not to compare my mental traumas with his, of course, i just don’t think i ever fully got over what happened. he is still alive now which i am always so thankful everyday for and i am learning to love our life together instead of grieving it like i did previously. while it’s never fully gone away, my compulsions have come back to haunt me again. i keep seeing things around me and taking it as a sign that he’s going to die again, and im even more convinced because he had another scare today and i couldve lost him again. i keep sobbing just about everyday and i cant stop crying because there’s nothing i can do to save him. i keep grieving him even when he’s still here and when we can’t talk for even an hour i begin to worry. i start to rearrange my room because i think it’ll save him. i try to text him every second like it’s some sort of spell because if i don’t maybe he’ll never wake up. i remake my bed three times because if i don’t then he’ll never wake up. im afraid to talk to my friends about this because i think im a nuisance and speaking it into existence will become real. i cant keep grieving him when he’s not even gone. even when he’s here, i grieve him. i want to be able to love him with no fear, but that’s all that consumes me. i pride myself in being able to handle these things, but this has been the worst year of my life. i don’t know how to move on and get out of this loop. does anyone have any advice? at all? anything would be really deeply appreciated.