Date posted: 22d

grieving a living person, please help

my intrusive thoughts have controlled me ever since i was young. i’ve had constant fears of my loved ones dying in horrific car accidents and being unable to come home from work at night, passing away in their sleep, cancer, etc. and i’ve always thought that praying (when i still identified as christian) and doing things in a “right way” (strict routines, repeating the same task three times no more/less, so on…) would save them. for a while, i was okay with not doing these things. i was okay with sitting with the uncertainty and letting my mind think “so what?” if those things happen because i felt safe enough to do so. but im afraid to say that during the summer, my worst fears came true—my intrusive thoughts seemed to come true. my boyfriend of years quite literally died and came back to life and i dissociated for those couple of weeks until my body finally let me register what happened. i was so afraid and scared and i felt my body get physically sicker as the days went on. not to compare my mental traumas with his, of course, i just don’t think i ever fully got over what happened. he is still alive now which i am always so thankful everyday for and i am learning to love our life together instead of grieving it like i did previously. while it’s never fully gone away, my compulsions have come back to haunt me again. i keep seeing things around me and taking it as a sign that he’s going to die again, and im even more convinced because he had another scare today and i couldve lost him again. i keep sobbing just about everyday and i cant stop crying because there’s nothing i can do to save him. i keep grieving him even when he’s still here and when we can’t talk for even an hour i begin to worry. i start to rearrange my room because i think it’ll save him. i try to text him every second like it’s some sort of spell because if i don’t maybe he’ll never wake up. i remake my bed three times because if i don’t then he’ll never wake up. im afraid to talk to my friends about this because i think im a nuisance and speaking it into existence will become real. i cant keep grieving him when he’s not even gone. even when he’s here, i grieve him. i want to be able to love him with no fear, but that’s all that consumes me. i pride myself in being able to handle these things, but this has been the worst year of my life. i don’t know how to move on and get out of this loop. does anyone have any advice? at all? anything would be really deeply appreciated.

NotThatHardcore

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

The more you do compulsions, the more you keep yourself in the loop. The more you resist compulsions, the more you give your brain a chance to live in the present rather than a feared scenario. Has anyone explained the OCD cycle to you? For me it really shows why compulsions make things worse. Don't want to lecture to you about things you already know, though — let me know.

0045

Date posted: 22d

@NotThatHardcore i know a little bit about it, could you explain it to me please? im not really sure how to deal with it

NotThatHardcore

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@0045 So first you get an obsession, which is defined as an intrusive thought, image, or urge. This causes distress. You don't want to feel that distress, so you do a compulsion — and that brings temporary relief, which provides what's called "negative reinforcement" (taking away a bad feeling), so that it's harder not to do the compulsion next time. By doing the compulsion, you've also told your brain, "these thoughts are super relevant, I should have more of them." The striatum, the part of the brain that drives the compulsions, sends signals to the thalamus, which is the part of the brain that passes obsessions into your conscious awareness. When you resist compulsions, you disrupt that cycle.

0045

Date posted: 22d

@NotThatHardcore ohhh i see. i’ve known compulsions are bad, but i don’t really know how to not engage in them especially because all of this feels so Real. how do i go about trying to solve this? i’ve heard just “letting it be” helps, but everytime i try to imagine the “so what if so-and-so happens?” it just gets worse. i know you’re not a therapist haha, i was just hoping for some advice. sorry if that’s a lot to chew on

NotThatHardcore

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22d

@0045 - I was actually just looking at this article: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/five-things-to-do-instead-of-compulsions Also, there is no need to imagine that unless you're doing an exposure, ideally with the help of a therapist. In your day-to-day, focusing on the present is generally the way to go.

0045

Date posted: 21d

@NotThatHardcore thank you for taking the time to reply, i really appreciate that and what you’ve shared with me!!!

Aideeeen

Date posted: 19w

Overthinking… and Abandonment issues.

Hello, this is my second post, not too long ago i made my first, talking about a sudden come-back of my intrusive thoughts. This post will talk about another of my issues, mainly regarding ocd (obviously) and relationships. As i had said before, i had been feeling terrible and felt like i didnt deserve love, especially the love of the guy that i love. I would like to add that in prior moments we have promised eachother and he has reassured me he will never leave me, but today he was pretty much gone all day (long distance) and for the most part ive just been overthinking, all night, actually.. thinking that at any moment he will just randomly block me on everything and never talk to me again. Its now 4:03 AM, and i just feel so scared. Im scared of losing him, this is predominantly because in a past relationship things ended suddenly, my ex switched up after we had promises and everything and i am absolutely horrified of things ending the same way for me and him. I’ve been anxious, trying to take my mind off of it, but if i do, my mind tells me that if i look away, when i look back, i’ll miss it and he’ll have already blocked me. and tries to tie in earlier conversations i had throughout the day and somehow ties them back to now. (Like my bestfriend telling me she had some dream where i apologized to my friends for ‘leaving’) For the past few hours ive just been out of it. Im scared of being obsessive, Im scared of losing him, and whenever i check to see, my heart skips a beat because i thinks he’s gone. The thing is, I know this isnt the case, and I know there must be an explanation, but for some reason im still worried. and I know these thoughts arent a reflection of reality, but ive also had the idea that my thoughts can also affect what actually happens. I would also like to add that he lives in the US and is mexican, and with the increasing violent situation, my mind even starts to wander off and ask itself what if something happened to him? It makes it worse. because i can’t control it. and that makes me afraid. Im also worried about being a horrible partner, about everything failing and its all just making me feel worse. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling sort of out of it, and throughout the day i felt as if i were emotionless, which made me wonder what if i had lost emotions for him? this also happens to me sometimes. I, for some reason begin thinking like “you lost your love for him nothings gonna happen ever.” and my mind starts making up reasons why, or simply gives me this feeling of emptiness for that love, as if i have been detached from it. and then i overthink again “what if i actually dont love him but im just obsessed and thats all it is an obsession and none of it is real?” that last part, im feeling it right now. along with everything else. Im exhausted, Im tired, and i just want to be happy with him. Thank you to all those who choose to read this. thank you. ❤️ Edit: I would also like to add that ive been also dealing with the occasional regular intrusive thoughts. which dont form fully in my brain but i can still sort of, “feel” the intrusive thoughts uncomfortable themes.

Kontheili

Date posted: 18w

Need some advice

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well! I lost my dad yesterday and me having ocd since I was 7, it just skyrocketed. Yesterday it was difficult for sure, but I didn’t have any intrusive thoughts about self harm. It all happened suddenly when I was half asleep (trying to sleep even though it was really hard), were I feel as if a switch turned on in my brain and out of nowhere I started feeling angry. I recognised at that moment that I was not angry but that’s what my brain was telling me. And that’s when I had an intrusive thought of harming my mom came to my mind and immediately after that came the thought of harming myself. And it stuck. I know grief can make these themes pop up, but what if this is all real and not ocd? I’m scared. I acknowledge I don’t have thoughts in my head of planning to harm myself, it’s just a feeling that this is going to happen. Now letting my thoughts out brings me relief, even sometimes this intrusive thoughts bring me relief (that is very scary), but ocd makes me so pessimistic, and that I’m doomed in life and the sad life my dad had will also be mine as well. There are moments where I feel hope and relief, but it doesn’t last for long. As if I’m so so sure that this is going to happen. And me having magical thinking ocd doesn’t help either. Grief is hard, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh with my friends and family, but those moments I laugh is when I get terrified ( I read people who have made up the decision to (you know) are happy and laugh. Anyways, I’ve talked to my mom about it, she’s super supportive of me restarting therapy and even though she’s struggling with grief, she’s always there to listen to me and give me all the comfort I need. But I informed her about the thoughts the moment the popped up. Just so that she knows and can save me because I don’t trust myself at all. Sorry for this huge rumble, but I’d really appreciate your advice. I’m scared and so not ready to start therapy (at one hand I don’t want to, it feels such a chore, but I know I need to get help). I’m very pessimistic at the moment and I feel no one can convince me that I’ll get better. I think my future life, and it brings me this warm nice feeling and then it is followed by the thought that this will never happen. And because I have magical thinking ocd, and my uni exams have just started, I had this feeling that this exam season will be endless and it’s never going to end. Guess what, I’m probably going to just take one exam out of three (my mind is like you see, this thought and feeling came true) and that’s where I get super pessimistic. Okay, I’ll shut up for now, please give me some advice on how you try to manage your thoughts and what to do for now. Take care ❤️

Suicidal OCD

KAW1007

Date posted: 10w

Please help - long post.

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.

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grieving a living person, please help

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