Final post of the night

With the adding list of horrible real POCD events, plus the fear of my worst POCD fears ever coming true growing more and more possible by the day, I cant find hope right now... I wont ever harm or delete myself, but honestly, living right now is the worst hell I can ever have. A never ending purgatory of not knowing if my worst pocd fears will ever be realized, or just having to be forever uncertain... I genuinely cant find a reason to hope... nor a reason to live...

NotAgain

Date posted: 5h

I will still believe in you. Even if you don't believe in yourself.

Givenup

Date posted: 5h

@NotAgain Had someone tell me that I just dont want to be seen as a bad guy. At this point, I dont even know what I am anymore. Am I good? Am I bad? Am I an evil disgusting POS for my real events? I genuinely dont know anymore. And I can't even tell what I am and what I'm not. Thats the scary part. Because I have nothing. I have no friends. Or at least no friends who check up on me to make sure I'm okay. My family will never understand this pain. Even when I tell them. And now I even have people on here (not most, but some) who will trigger me and make me feel worse. I have no one. Im in pain. And Im alone. And no one would ever possibly understand.

NotAgain

Date posted: 4h

@Givenup Hey <3 I've been reading up on a lot of your posts lately. The reason I particularly follow you and believe in you as a person is because I've been through a lot of very very similar situations you have. Things I don't talk about. I made one post about them here but instantly deleted it out of fear. A lot of the same things that trigger you are triggers for me too, which is why I'm really nervous to send this because I don't wanna make you feel triggered or overwhelmed. I wanna do it anyways bc I have much to say. For a very long time, I felt the way you say you feel in your posts. I felt hopeless and monstrous. I felt unlovable. I felt like I didn't deserve to feel better and I felt like anything otherwise was a lie or a poor excuse. What helped me, genuinely, is to sit with these feelings without asking if I'm good or bad or trying to prove it. Easier said than done, and it feels awful, but helps in the long run. I had to go about life as if I already believed I'm a good person, even when I felt the complete opposite. Now, before I say this next part, I need you to know I'm not mad at you. I worry people interpret me as mad when I'm not, so that's why I say that. I'm actually proud of you. I'm proud because you're still around. Still seeking guidance. I think it's important for you to know though that when you repost or repeat posts, it can actually make the OCD get worse and stronger and more painful and scary, so it might help to do that less or try and undo the habit. I know it's super hard because I do it too. I actually used to do it a whole lot in other spaces and I still frequently repeat vents to my friends, which I'm trying to lessen. What I'm saying is, I see myself in you ok? And if I could get through this, you can too. I'm not perfect as I still have work to do on this, but I'm better than before. I feel hopeful. I feel you can get there too. It will take time, but I know you can do it. Of course I don't know you and you don't know me but I do know we both have the same condition and i recognize these emotions and where they came from. So I want you to know that I'm rooting for you. And I you ever need to hear about my experiences with POCD and my past events, let me know. I was at my worst after people accused me and got police involved, so I've had very very dark moments of feeling bad (to say the least) about myself. I'm not the best with helping people so I'm really sorry if this just makes it worse. I truly don't want to hurt you. But I wanted to be am understanding and gentle support, even though I talk a whole lot.

HOY

Date posted: 25w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Givenup

Date posted: 20w

Pocd and events

I have so many pocd real events, and false memories that im so tortured by mere existence of life... I genuinely have no one who can comfort me... because giving people reassurance is... unhealthy... and even then my false memory situations cant even be reassured because i dont know if its true or not... im so alone...

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Something truly horrible

What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

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