Disgusting thought that I'm not sure was intrusive

I know I'm not one. But there is one OCD episode that destroyed my life. September 2024 I was obsessing over attraction, and one night I compulsively imagined a sensual seductive scenario and I was shocked that a trigger could emanate the gaze of seduction and sensuality, and I thought that it was proof of attraction, then I think that for a moment that I felt like I was attracted, I think I self sabotaged myself into accepting attraction and I think like it worked. I still don't know if it was genuine attraction. I felt suicidal immediately later and thought about ending my life until I discovered on my notes that it was a "short moment" and I assumed that it was just OCD; but now I don't believe so. I have confused memories, maybe some are fabricated. I have different versions of what happened: 1. The attraction part was simply me perceiveing the objective seduction and sensuality look and instead of feeling distressed i felt that it looked seductive and I got shocked and that was what I thought it was attraction in my memory. 2. I was actually seducted and I'm in denial 3. I felt seduction but I wasnt seducted 4. I felt egosyntonic attraction and I'm in denial 5. It was a fabricated sense of egosyntoncness, it wasn't genuine attraction but a fabrication, it was a "dare" from the brain, a self sabotage hence why I felt suicidal. I asked an expert and she simply told me that what happens inside the OCD Bubble belongs only to OCD and it has no value, it is not real. And while it's true its entirety happened as a compulsion, as a result of testing an obsessional fear and doubt, I don't know if the content of what happened inside is simply not real. Like when I had triggering POCD dreams. I don't know if it's the same thing when I was worrying abt me being attracted to my mother and I compulsively imagined my parent coming to my bed and felt like I could do it, that I wouldn't refuse, like literally felt like it not hypothetically, maybe because it was a twisted version of it? I don't know. I lost my sense of reality a while ago. Different scenarios too happened where I felt like I could say yes or I was tempted over doing something I find immoral, all of them were a direct consequence of a compulsion but I don't know still, seems too easy. I fear that the human brain is complex enough to allow both things to happen, that is neutral enough to allow a grey area that I cannot tolerate.

Is there something wrong with me if I’m not disgusted by my intrusive thoughts anymore like the disgust feeling has been gone for months now and why are my thoughts feel like they’re literally so close happening inside my brain why can I lowkey physically feel the images of that makes sense,Why do I get adrenaline why do I get a weird tingle my lips sometimes make an awkward like position when I get the thoughts it’s like I’m having a glitch idek which thought is intentional which one is intrusive but there bad thoughts and I don’t want them to be the truth about me but I literally cannot get myself to just feel relaxed even if they’re present like I actually get genuine headaches and feel uneasy for hours after having intrusive thoughts and I hate how it’s always the same kinda thoughts and sensations feelings etc around those thoughts out of nowhere when I’m just chilling they come in before when I had it is be like okay ew weird thought now I’m like what if I actually like this and I’m in denial uGHHH HATE MY BRAIN

If anyone who's had experience with sexual OCD can answer, please do Like actually, why am I no longer sure of my preferences. Why am I not sure whether I'm not attracted to something wrong. Why am I actually considering that may be the case, and why do I have moments where I feel neutral about these thoughts? The thoughts don't scare me as much, they do disturb me but they're not as scary - what's more scary is their possible meaning. At first, Sexual OCD feels like pure torment - intrusive thoughts and images looping in your head forever. But now? I still have the thoughts, and I've been told that anything from the thought itself to even a groinal response can be OCD related, and the more I go into ERP/ACT the more I feel like the fear is becoming real, even if it eases my anxiety somewhat. I'll put it briefly: I still don't want these disgusting thoughts to mean anything. I still don't wanna be a person that would act on them in any way. But OCD has made me even doubt this: "Do you really not want to act on these thoughts? Are you sure you aren't attracted to this? Are you?" and then that triggers checking, which only makes things worse because "Wait... would I say yes? Why would I ever do that? Did that reaction mean yes? Oh God, what if it did" I've been told I'm not actually who I fear and I can live with these thoughts and feelings, and I kinda do. But that hasn't stopped the doubt from creeping in, and feeling more real with every passing day. In fact, the lack of anxiety and panic makes it feel even more real, like I'm not actually having OCD symptoms. The less I fear, the harder the doubt hits. Picture this: 1. You're told to treat the thoughts as just thoughts, the feelings as just feelings 2. You do that, and you slowly start feeling better 3. But when OCD inevitably goes "but what if?", it seems stronger than before. All of a sudden you're panicking "maybe these things actually do mean something, oh no" ..that's my reality. It doesn't even feel like OCD anymore because it's nothing like the constant panic and dread I experienced in the beginning. But the dread and panic are still there, just more in the background - which doesn't make it any less distressing. And when you start falling into doubt, the rumination, checking, all the compulsions feel much more rational and warranted, they're automatic at this point. Also I tend to get thoughts like "but what if this is real", "but what if that thing that happened means something", "but what if this isn't ocd", "but why does it feel like you're denying it", "you're denying a real issue" - all of these basically keep me in the cycle. Is this meta-obsession? I do actually think that the thoughts, feelings, all of it could be pointing to a bigger issue, even if that's unlikely and the worst case scenario. I don't know if this just isn't poor insight, probably is (I've had poor insight since the beginning). If anyone could give any support or feedback, I'll greatly appreciate it 🙏