A Shimmer of Hope in a Sea of Contamination

This was a huge battle of mine. One of many. Still is but it’s a lot quieter. My wife went into labor WHILE we were getting air conditioning installed in our house so there were two guys trooping around everywhere in our house, from attic to basement to garage to outside and everywhere in between. We also had at the time a two year old. I think I just resigned to the fact that not only was I not in the house to see what was going on (control) there was no physical way I could scrub every surface and guarantee getting rid of all the “germs” (again control). I’ve had family parties too where I certainly can’t ask everyone to take their shoes off so being able to surrender control in those moments definitely helps. When my kids started daycare it was also a moment of relief because they spend all day on the floor with other kids and teachers, sneakers and all, putting everything in their mouths. Yes they get colds a bunch but it’s natural. None of that is really a true tool for managing OCD though. It’s somewhat helpful but it borders into assurance seeking as well. Through ERP and better management of symptoms I’ve noticed a few things: • OCD reactions rise and fall. Don’t know how intense or how long the grip of OCD lasts but it does ebb and flow. When your alarm systems are going off, try to remember that and give yourself just ONE extra minute. 5. 10. Maybe an hour. It will come • OCD demands the humanly impossible. 100% certainty. There is no such thing. It leads you down a rabbit chase that you will always lose. Remind yourself that you can never be certain and to do anything to attempt to get to 100% is not coming from a rational place but your OCD mind • You can always ‘what if’ to your worst case scenario. Even a seemingly innocuous situation. “Wow I feel great, nothing is bothering me. Wait did I pay attention to everyone at the party? Were there shoes all on the welcome mat? Better not touch the welcome mat” Whenever you start a thought with “what if”, that’s OCD, call it out. • A corollary to the above, get comfortable living in the uncertainty. You CAN be certain that everything is to some degree uncertain. Dirty socks? Maybe? Someone hasn’t bathed in a week? Perhaps? Someone wiped their a$$ with their socks because they ran out of TP and are now wearing them in my house? Absolutely! Role play with the OCD from the standpoint of a cynical high schooler (yes I did this in ERP and yes I had to speak in a whiny voice like a snot nosed kid) it works and I still use it today in over exaggerated manner to snap me out of it and think how absurd my OCD thought is. • take ground back from your OCD inch by inch. Two days of no cleaning IS a huge win. Acknowledge and congratulate yourself for it! Make it 3. Just vacuuming instead of swiffering. Don’t get on your hands and knees with a Clorox wipe (guilty). Slowly but surely you remember how it can be done under your own faculties without OCD interference. • live and accept the discomfort. Conquering OCD is not ‘not experiencing’ OCD. In fact not experiencing OCD is probably a byproduct of OCD since you’re making all these concessions to not feel the discomfort. It’s living through moments that trigger OCD and managing through it. Accept the discomfort. Give yourself compassion. This happens to me multiple times a day. Admit to yourself “you know I don’t love this but”. You can’t solve the discomfort. You can’t replay moments in your head to make you feel better. Even if it does, that relief is temporary and only reinforces the OCD. Instead of keeping a mental checklist of where people with shoes on walked so you can clean after and know exactly where it was and feel better after you clean, simply say “I notice I am uncomfortable with shoes being on in my house. It is ok to feel uncomfortable. This is my OCD and I will work to let the thought pass through” I had an exterminator come to the house on Monday for a follow up. He wore shoe booties the first time and I was thrilled but still cognizant of the fact that he was in the attic and still walked with the booties on throughout the house (somewhat negating efficacy of the boots). I did a quick vacuum but kept it tight. This past time, he came, and it was certainly on my mind but only until 20 minute after he left I said to my wife “oh he wasn’t wearing his booties today”. Again, I wasn’t crazy about it but for just one moment, I was living fully suspended from my OCD preplanning self. No vacuum since. This is from ERP sessions with my NOCD therapist. She said there will be a time where you don’t even realize it anymore. It doesn’t happen too often yet but I’m seeing signs of it. YOU WILL TOO. It doesn’t feel like it now. But if you stick with ERP, in and out of sessions, you will see improvements. Keep the hope ignited, we are all here with you! You are not OCD. Separate yourself from it. Treat it as a different entity. Like an annoying person you don’t feel like dealing with or have time for. Call it out. Literally out loud. “here’s my OCD again”. You can strip it of just some of its power by doing this. Wishing you the best!

I just want to say that I dealt with the SAME. EXACT. THING. Up to the point of washing the bottom of my shoes every night! So you are not alone!