vent; compulsions won’t stop :(

i literally just cannot stop doing them. especially mental ones. doing things that i didn’t even realize were technically compulsively behavior. all i do every day is ruminate about my mistakes, play them in my head over and over again, envision the worst case scenarios, and then compulsively search on the internet. i’m so tired of it. i feel like i can’t live my life because the second i stop worrying, something bad will happen and it’ll prove my ocd right. that i can’t move on and seek out experiences or relationships because i don’t deserve them and nobody will want me when they find out who i really am. i’m just living in fear every day and it seems like whenever i feel like i’ve “moved past” something, i come up with more evidence that i’m really just a monster that will be “found out” and have to face repercussions/be ostracized. and maybe i really do deserve that. i know it has to get worse before it can get better or whatever but i really don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. i can’t even tell anyone what’s bothering me because i’m so disgusted by my own thoughts and my past actions. every day feels like a loop and i’m so scared and tired and lonely all the time.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 13h

No matter what, you aren't alone on this. I feel the exact same way you do about what you've shared here. All of the specifics I can relate to. What makes it so hard is my porn problem. That's the one thing that utterly destroys my self confidence. If people knew the things I watched and searched they would look at me in a different way. We have the exact same fears it seems. I can relate strongly.

unslicedlime

Date posted: 11h

i know how you feel it’s really tough 🙁💝 i’ve tried my best to set down a rule where i don’t compulsively search anything related to my real event no matter how bad i want to and it was the first step to feeling better. unfortunately you have to get comfortable with not knowing since no reddit scenario is gonna be 100% alike and ur ocd will spot that and always keep making mountains out of molehills. i do really relate on the friends part of it i feel awful tricking them into being friends with me because they’d truly hate me if they found out. i hope both of us can be free from this prison ☹️

worryywart

Date posted: 10h

@unslicedlime you described it perfectly, it’s so hard but i know it’s definitely the first compulsion to kick. it’s just hard because then i do the mental ones without even realizing it and i don’t know how to stop them :(( i know this is all just the process to recovery but i feel like if i don’t give it enough attention, then i’m excusing my thoughts/events. hopefully we can both escape these compulsions for good! 🫶

unslicedlime

Date posted: 10h

@worryywart the mental ones are the hardest to kick because they’re so automatic.

unslicedlime

Date posted: 10h

@worryywart also iirc you were the one who was talking about possibly creating a gc for fellow students with ocd. if you ever wind up creating one pls lmk!!

worryywart

Date posted: 9h

@unslicedlime i did! it wouldn’t let me send the link unfortunately, i think i sent you my account name in another reply but i’m not sure if it went through. i’ll try to post it again!

murray05train

Date posted: 9h

@worryywart Id love to be a part of it

unslicedlime

Date posted: 8h

@worryywart i don’t think it went thru unfortunately :(

worryywart

Date posted: 8h

@unslicedlime ughh i’m so sorry i have no idea why it hasn’t been working, ive tried to post a link like 3 different times <//3 maybe the qr code will work?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 8h

Getting better from OCD involves rewiring your brain, and creating new mental habits. It takes time! Doing exposures little by little, slowly but surely chipping away at your OCD over the course of months is what will get rid of it. You can't get rid of it all at once. But one thing thats kinda cool is that even if you're only working on one or two compulsions at a time, you will get global improvements. Keep at it and good luck!

worryywart

Date posted: 8h

@Anonymous thank you so much! i’ll be sure to remember this when i’m struggling with compulsions again :))

My journey

Date posted: 25w

Magical thinking

i don’t want to do my compulsions. I feel like if I don’t somebody will get hurt, sick or die. It’s a very scary thought to feel like if I don’t do my compulsions it will be my fault even though it isn’t & nor will it happen. I know it’s magical thinking & my thoughts are not true nor will they come true. it’s just im so tired of doing these compulsions. im so tired of feeling like I can stop something bad happening if I don’t step on this or touch this 4 times. it even got me believing that if I do something I want to do & love, something bad will happen. I just want to be able to live & feel like I use to. I hate ocd. how can I calm this down so I can be able to navigate in my own life?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

I feel like I am OCD

It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 23w

I’m so tired I just wanna be free

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

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vent; compulsions won’t stop :(

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