Please help

Guys I need help issues I've been going through and I honestly need help because if I was masturbating earlier today and it's felt like I purposely thought of my father why it's just I don't know why I just did and I feel so weirded out by it it's just like my thought just starting you know I don't know how to explain it it was just that was doing it and then my brain just focused on that instead my for some reason like it felt like I chose to think it's I am sorry if I'm not explaining it well but I feel like a weirdo and I don't want to be near my family anymore like I've been going through a lot and this is just horrible it's just like I chose to thank the thought and it felt like I wanted it and I feel so weird at all if someone had the same issue please let me know I just want to know I'm not alone in this it's not even that I also had sexuality issues because recently I've been down a spiral of looking at transgender and feminine men content and it's just like confusing for me I think it's just because my brain makes association of men that just made me think of my dad because I'm 18 and young and I'm on explorer myself so after I do it to be so types I honestly just feel shame and regret I don't think I am gay at least not that I know because afterwards I don't really like it but I just feel shame when I do it but also I feel so horrible because it felt like I thotght it on purpose like it's just I don't know how to explain it I just thought it and now I'm afraid

Cat Lady

Date posted: 5d

I can totally relate. I have dealt with that specific issue more than once and I have a tendency to picture someone in my life that it would be very inappropriate to have sex with. I know that it’s an OCD symptom and that my mind has a tendency to go to worst case scenarios in normal situations so why would it be any different in that specific scenario?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d

It was like I did it on purpose I felt so awful

Cat Lady

Date posted: 5d

@Anonymous I get it, it doesn’t feel involuntary but rationally you wouldn’t want that and the fact that you feel bad means that you did not voluntarily have that thought and would clearly like to not ever have that thought.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d

@ Cat Lady It's like why did I think it OCD makes me think I like it

Cat Lady

Date posted: 5d

@Anonymous That’s how I view it. Particularly since one of my intrusive thoughts/symptoms is imagining the worst thing I could do in any given scenario and then being scared the whole time that I will somehow lose control of myself and do whatever that thing is.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5d

@ Cat Lady Idk how to cope tbh it's hard.

Anonymous

Date posted: 3d

Sounds like something ocd likes to do. It’ll create intrusive thoughts like constantly to the point where it feels like you actually want the thought simply because you can’t get it out of your head so then it makes you think you want it in your head. And because arousal can feel “pleasurable” when it links with the intrusive thought it feels purposeful. But the reality is that those intrusive constant thoughts are causing you to feel deeply uncomfortable and also causing you to feel out of control and to feel guilty- that’s called an obsession- obsessive compulsive disorder. You want it to stop, and that makes it show up more in your mind and then bc it’s on your mind you then think about it more & then it tricks you into thinking you want to keep thinking about it. It’s exhausting and sometimes in those moments it’s good to imagine holding your mind in your hands and naming and observing what’s happening. “I’m having thoughts about feeling good. Now my thoughts are thinking of my father. Now I feel arousal from that fear/obsession related to my father. Now bc this feels so taboo my arousal fear levels are increasing making the thought about my father increase creating a spiral affect. My thoughts and feelings do not define what I really want and value. Let’s focus on something else or notice it or ask OCD to stfu bc um..really ocd? I don’t value that. I’d like to not entertain that thought.

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