False Memory/Real Event back with a vengeance

I’m really sorry you’re going through this — what you’re describing sounds absolutely exhausting and distressing. OCD has a cruel way of making uncertainty feel unbearable and then attacking the very thing you care most about: your values, your sense of safety, your morality. The fact that this is upsetting you so deeply actually says a lot about your character and what matters to you. One of the hardest parts of OCD is that it weaponizes doubt. It makes you question your own memory, your intentions, and even your reasoning — and then demands certainty in a situation where the brain simply can’t provide it. That shifting, unstable feeling about what you “might have seen” is a really common OCD experience. Memories feeling blurry, changing, or unreliable can happen when your brain is scanning for threat over and over again. What’s likely keeping this stuck is not the original event, but the cycle: fear → mental reviewing → Googling → analyzing → checking → more fear → more doubt. Each time you try to “solve” it, your OCD gets stronger instead of quieter. A few gentle truths that might help: • Having a disturbing thought or image does not mean it reflects who you are. • Wanting reassurance or certainty does not mean you’re “hiding the truth.” • If you were the kind of person your OCD is accusing you of being, you wouldn’t be in this much pain over it. You deserve relief from this loop — and you don’t have to untangle it alone. If you’re able, an OCD-informed therapist (especially someone trained in ERP) can help you learn how to sit with uncertainty without letting it control you. That doesn’t mean accepting something terrible — it means learning how to stop giving OCD the steering wheel. For right now: • You don’t need to solve this tonight. • You don’t need perfect certainty to be a good person. • You are allowed to rest your brain, even while the fear is noisy. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And this can get quieter with the right support. 💛