Avoiding friendships and family

I’ve been trying to have better boundaries with certain people in my life. I’m on the autism spectrum, so socializing has always been really hard for me. Either I mask to fit in and end up having friendships with people that don’t really fit me, or I over give my time and attention to people who have really hurt me in the past. This has made friendship in general feel sort of unsafe and I get really closed off sometimes. But, at the same time, I also do have a social battery that runs out and I truly just want to be alone and that makes me feel good. Most of my friends are neurotypical and have a hard time understanding this. It’s gotten to the point where I just feel scared and worried they won’t understand and I straight up ignore their messages. Then the anxiety builds and I start judging myself for this behavior without doing anything to change it, and then it gets worse and I avoid it even more. I know the solution is to just stay in contact even if I just say “hey! I don’t really feel like socializing right now”. I love the friends I have in my life now, but I just get overwhelmed. The problem is I slip into “what’s wrong with me? This shouldn’t be hard. Let’s think about every single other friendship I’ve ever had and analyze it to figure out what went wrong. They probably hate me or think I’m weird. I’m going to hurt again.” This increases the avoidance and judgment. I also am avoiding my dad for other reasons. The same things apply.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16h

Yeah im not autistic but a lot of this resonates! I have social anxiety and am an introvert, so i know what you mean about the social battery draining, as well as the avoidance doomspiral. I've been working on it by making sort of a social routine, a couple short social events i go to weekly, so i can get my social anxiety exposures in and make sure I am getting out of the house regularly, but relax the rest of my nights off. A couple pieces of advice from your situation: while I can't speak to masking, I think its better to hang out with people you dont really click with than people who are hurtful. Its okay to end a friendship because someone has a poor character or is just unempathetic/unsupportive to you. But also recently I've been hanging out with some of my wife's friends, who i -thought- i didn't click with, but it turns out they enjoy my company and are really good people, they're just also a bit shy/quiet. Awkward moments don't mean you're socializing wrong! I also get really avoidant with responding to things. I think that its okay to decline things or say that your social battery is dead. What keeps the friendship alive is that you are responsive/attentive to stuff that's really important to them (so, missing a random hangout NBD, but missing a big planned birthday party or a performance they're in is more of a big deal) and that you are not putting all the work of maintaining a relationship on them. So, "Hey, im pretty overwhelmed this week but can we talk next weekend?" is perfectly respectable. Its interesting that you get caught up in "This shouldn't be hard," when you have a literal condition that is making it hard! This seems like a manifestation of shame/self-judgment, and it might be worthwhile to work on self-compassion and acceptance of your limitations.

Avoiding friendships and family

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