Idk what I’m doing I just need to ramble

My bf has a tendency to disappear when he’s stressed. He got home Tuesday night and I haven’t heard from him. It immediately made me anxious cuz we’re not of the same faith and his parents don’t know he comes here. Or maybe they do and they’re not saying anything. Idk. Anyways. He vanished. Haven’t heard from him. I’m panicking. I’m annoyed and I’m worried I don’t love him anymore and that I wanna date other people. How do I know if I do or if I’m just temporarily annoyed cuz he disappeared again. We had such a good time on Tuesday and it was the last time I got to see him before going home for the holidays. He texted me he got home. That was it. He has 6 days of work in a row starting Thursday just recently so I’m assuming that’s the reason but now I’m worried he doesn’t like me and he’s second guessing. I’m also worrying that he’s only using me for his own gain like sex wise when we’re not even supposed to be having it so I’m just nervous now and idk what I’m feeling. How do I know if I don’t live him anymore. I’m scared. I just wanna live in peace. He usually gets back to me within a couple days. I go home in the morning so I hope I hear from him then. Idk. I love him and I miss him and I wish he was around but I also feel tired and nauseous and it feels like my body and brain are like. Break up with him but I don’t want to do that cuz I want to marry him one day. But what if I don’t actually wanna do that cuz I don’t feel butterflies or feel that much passion lately. Everything feels distant. I only see him once a week at best lately. He’s picking up more hours and I’m scared we won’t be able to have our plans for our anniversary. I was gonna cook dinner. I still will. I just need him to secure a day off to do it. I’m gonna go cry and crash out for a while. Goodnight

sadeyrdz

Date posted: Yesterday

Hope you’re doing better after some sleep! A few things here - one is the lack of control you have is going to feel overwhelming and cause all sorts of spiraling. It takes time, but ultimately regardless of everything you’re thinking it will be okay. Like most people say on here, you need to sit through the uncomfortable feelings. However, it’s totally reasonable to ask him to check in with you to at least let you know where he’s at. Having an understanding partner is really important. Also invest in yourself, do things you like, sometimes space is good for self development as hard as it is

LiaExe28

Date posted: Yesterday

@sadeyrdz Yeah I’ve been checking in every little bit, he likes when I check up on him and send him updates. I’ve been doing my own thing but my anxiety is out of control. I keep worrying he’s leaving me without saying anything or that when he does come back he’s gonna break up with me, or that the reason he’s struggling is cuz he’s with me when he’s not supposed to be. Muslims don’t date. I’m not even Muslim which makes it a bit tougher too. And we’ve broken rules. So I’m worried his struggle is punishment from god cuz I’m with him. This is the one behaviour of his I really don’t like cuz he disappeared literally immediately after he got home after leaving my dorm. So I’m worried his parents yelled at him or smthn. They hate me. Idk I’m just in this anxious limbo. I feel annoyed and upset but I feel like I don’t have the right to be if that makes sense. He’s already stressed so I don’t wanna make it worse. He has no money for therapy or for all of his meds so it’s just touch and go and a bit rough and I feel distant cuz I don’t see him as often as I used to. Idk. I feel numb and stressed and I keep getting random anxiety spikes. Sorry for rambling so much. I am tired of being so anxious all the time

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