It's getting too difficult, please help :(

Last night, my boyfriend said that with how often I tell him I'm having thoughts of not loving him he's starting to believe it too sometimes. He even wondered if some space would be helpful, and when he asked me if I'd ever thought about that I couldn't say no. I got home from my trip to see family in Sweden and my flight was delayed for 5 hours. I'd had a stressful day and typically I would worry about it, but I didn't. Not much at least. And during our conversation TYPICALLY I would be very emotional and crying. But I wasn't. Which makes me believe that I actually don't love him and don't want to be with him. I wasn't certain of my feelings and whether I wanted space or not. In the back of my mind and heart I don't want space. I want to be with him. But then my feelings (or lack thereof) contradict that. After nearly 3 weeks apart in which my issues got so so bad, I can't do so many things anymore. I can't visualize his face, I can't feel happy when he sends me cute things, when he tells me he got me a gift, when I think about him I don't feel excited. Outside of our relationship I also feel numb to many things, but the focus is definitely on him/us. I wasn't excited about getting home, but not necessarily depressed about leaving either. I barely greeted my dog that I usually love so much. Everything feels so disconnected from me, I even feel disconnected from me. The only thing that I truly want when I'm in a very anxious/depressed state is to be in my boyfriend's arms but I can't feel love for him. It's so so so difficult. During/after that conversation last night, I did slightly come to my senses and said he was mine and I loved him. And when I woke up today, I felt kind of neutral but it's slowly getting more to the state of numb.

sailorvenus

Date posted: 2d

(So sorry for the spam, I just 100% understand you) I understand everything you’re saying. Word for word I feel exactly what you are feeling & I still do. My spouse and I started dating and I spent the whole relationship not certain about anything, wanting to be happy but can’t be, and rumination of thoughts. We are married now and I’m happy but I still deal with all the same things, heavy & feel numb. I wouldn’t judge yourself. It feels so heavy and scary but you WILL figure it out! But I see you and hear you! OCD likes to attack at any opportunity you can to be happy, because that’s its job. It wants to take things we love and ruin it. Things I’m trying to do/help me: notice the pattern ( we focus so much on our thoughts (and what they mean), we forget that the real battle is the pattern of the ruminating). Try to let yourself be present. You won’t want to look back and think , “I wish I got to enjoy this and try it out. But my ocd made it hard” (this is easier said than done, but this is advice I wish I could give to my younger self. I still struggle with this myself) It is understandable that sometimes our spouses will have moments of insecurity or worry (that does not mean your thought is bad or it changes the support he gives you when he responds without fear in other situations). But they are humans too and it’s okay if every once and a while they need to be reassured Talking to a professional ERP helped me a lot. I tried to say my thoughts more out loud to make them real and less scary. Don’t be scared to think of the things you want and need (and I know you will make the right decision). It’s so scary to think about. But your happiness is the most important. ALSO!! DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO GIVES RELATIONSHIP ADVICE ABOIT CERTAINTY. comments like “if you know, you know.” “He’s my person, I felt it” and all those. They did nothing but drive me crazy. I have ocd and some people don’t. Those people have it a little easier. OCD is a doubting disorder, of course I’m not gonna feel certain. I just want to make sure you know I’m a fully married woman and I STILL have alllll these feelings in my relationship. And they have been here since the beginning. I haven’t met anyone else who has relate, so I promise I so relate to you and you’re not alone Also something that helped me was researching ROCD/OCD and sometimes some TikTok therapists that specialize in ROCD are helpful to watch videos of. Just seeing it normalized was really helpful because I thought I was crazy

NatSwai

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@sailorvenus I’m glad someone else who is married can relate. Feeling really crappy the past couple of months

sailorvenus

Date posted: Yesterday

@NatSwai I 100% see and hear you!! It’s so hard. Especially when I was going through my wedding process 😩 thank you for sharing that you relate as well! That was really strong of you!

NatSwai

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@sailorvenus Omg my wedding was genuinely so traumatic because of OCD. I’ve learned to just accept that it sucked because of anxiety while it was also beautiful and it just is what it is. It’s obviously sad and no it didn’t live up to my dream but that’s just how it was. It doesn’t have to mean anything about my marriage. I admire your ability to just accept that this is where you’re at right now. The numbness is making me grasp for fixes and action

sailorvenus

Date posted: Yesterday

@NatSwai omggg yesss! (I’m sorry for my excitement 😭 I really thought I was crazy the past couple years). Objectively everything was gorgeous & great. Mentally it was shitty af & I felt no emotion on my wedding day especially, completely numb. I definitely beat myself up a lot because I thought it meant I didn’t love my husband and I was upset because he did everything for me (that I would want in love & a partner) and I was never happy because my ocd. I’d take the shitty experience over not having my spouse any day. I really hope you’re in a better place and are able to enjoy the love you deserve! And I hope you continue to flourish and grow

Anonymous

Date posted: 1h

Thank you for sharing your experience and advice 🤍 I do really want to see a professional but I'm also scared of it, and it just feels like it's getting worse and worse. Rumination is 100% my worst enemy in this, I feel stuck in a constant state of anxiety and stress and worry and I've become somewhat of a shell of myself. I don't even recognize myself anymore sometimes and cannot say that I am even happy with myself or love anyone or anything at all (which does slightly comfort me about my relationship in a weird way). But thank you again, I hope you continue to be strong and get to enjoy your life with your spouse :)

paigefritz

Date posted: 2d

Thank you for sharing your experience!! I am going through something similar if you’d like to read the posts I’ve shared. I have been in the thick of it for a while but I hear you!!!

#happiness

Date posted: 2d

I understand. I don’t feel love but I know I love my boyfriend. It’s very frustrating.

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