ruminating after ending things with someone

5 therapy appointments done, but i still can’t stop ruminating. not even close. last week i ended something with someone i had been talking to/seeing for about a month. couldn’t stop ruminating. so i talked about it in therapy, then earlier tonight i texted him to tie up loose ends because when i originally ended it, i handled it pretty hastily. his answers tonight were what i was expecting. i didn’t even like him that much. until he admitted to still seeking and sleeping w other people. we hadn’t talked about it, and i even was still seeing (not sleeping) with other people too but i wasn’t actively searching for more anymore and was being intentional with him. he made it seem like he was too. then the switch up. it causes me to obsess. over something i didn’t even want. i’m probably speaking into the void, it’s my first post, and being concise has never been my strong suit when it comes to emotions. if anyone reads this and resonates and/or has advice, i’m all ears i’ll leave this insert from my journal entry on here i wrote tonight and then imma go back to gardening and playing animal crossing ✌🏻 excerpts from an ADHD OCD manic pixy dream girl’s diary: based off what he said, he views me/women as a sex object to fuel his ego which is tied to his self worth. he had no regard to my feelings in the matter. i am grateful he told me, truly, but it doesn’t change the fact that 1) maybe one woman could “fix him” (his words) but that woman wasn’t me and 2) that he had no interest in growing something with potential for commitment with me, and said he was “just going to fuck around til he decided what to do” aka continue having sex with me and multiple women (without telling me he was). after the convo ended, i sat with it and felt good, to finally have answers. so i took a couple puffs from my weed pen, grabbed my switch and started to game/relax. then it slowly started trickling in. repeat reading his texts, noticing some things i missed, fully understanding how blunt he was being. it keeps creeping up on me no matter how much i try and distract. i even tried “letting myself feel it”. i let myself cry. i paused the game and cried. but then the words just kept coming in “you weren’t good enough to him” “it was probably something you did in bed” “why couldn’t he pick you as someone he could grow with both emotionally and sexually? he still never answered that” and so on. and honestly? “letting myself feel the feelings” DOESNT WORK FOR ME ANYMORE. i just spiral. i just go deeper into self hatred and insecurity. longing. yearning. and i’ve been doing that for over a week now, every single day. it debilitates me. so how can i distract? how can i both process this in a healthy way but also MOVE ON and not cut myself with word wounds in the meantime. this is a question i have never solved. no matter how much treatment and therapy. i will always long to be loved by someone that I LOVE in return. i can’t keep being alone, friendship isn’t the intimacy i’m craving and friends don’t fill that hole in my heart, body, and mind. xo