I just want to love again

I have been so depressed lately that on my 3-month anniversary with my boyfriend, I can't even feel any happiness from his sappy message to me. He texted me about how these past 3 months have been the happiest of his life and how we'll get through my issues and how much he loves me. I can't feel it. I just woke up and I'm feeling so numb and down and like I need to break up with him. I know that when we're together, I'm happier. But I can't feel it right now. I feel like such a bad person. I'm usually the sappy one in my relationships, but now I can't because all I feel is anxiety. We've been together for 3 months and I've been struggling with these thoughts worsening for about 3 months. At first they were random and I could wave them away, but they got so bad that now the majority of the time I have the thoughts and the anxiety and I've become so depressed that I can't find joy in my hobbies and I've lost interest in my biggest dreams. I want to be happy with him. He's all I've ever wanted. But my body won't let me.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4d

I used to go through the same thing with my husband. I was able to stay calm for the first month or so we dated, but then when things got serious between us the anxiety came in. There was a long period of time where my body would jolt awake at 4:45 in the morning, my skin started burning and heart pounding. Every. Single. Day. I woke up that way thinking I can't do this. I always thought I needed to break up with him because I was lying to him and was going to ruin his life. Sometimes I still think I'm ruining his life (not funny but lol). I genuinely wondered if I would ever be able to sleep past 5 o'clock in the morning again - spoiler alert, I can. The anxiety did not disappear, but I had therapy and eventually learned that I would lose him if I couldn't get better. I continually confessed to him that I was having doubts. He was so patient - too patient. If he hadn't been, we wouldn't be together now. I always felt so horrible when I would think about other people falling in love. It played in my head all the time comments like "it was the happiest time of my life", or "it felt like magic falling in love with him"... and I was in hell. It was really hard. I thank God I had supportive people, and I started taking medication. Eventually I had to accept that my love story wasn't going to be an idyllic movie scene. AND it was good. He was someone I trusted and didn't want to live without. He's my best friend. One of the most helpful things for me was laughing with him and acting silly like kids. It's still my favorite part of being with him. I still struggle with obsessions sometimes. But I think back to a time when I truly thought I could never get married. I hope my story encourages you. And I hope for you the deepest healing.

Anonymous

Date posted: 3d

Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to hear that you and your husband are able to have a good life together :) What you said about laughing and acting silly together, that's exactly what I love so much about my relationship too. I feel like my boyfriend has the most beautiful smile and I love seeing it. It's just so difficult when I can only see it on the phone. When I'm so burned out from the anxiety that I'm depressed and numb, I can't even feel like I love those things anymore, like now. My boyfriend is too supportive, he's even coming with me to the doctor's to talk about these issues because I'm too afraid to go by myself. I hope that with time and professional help I can get better.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous - I understand what you're saying. There are still times when I question whether I'm capable of love or if I feel the way that I'm supposed to. I wonder if I'm really present in the moment and taking in life with him as much as I "should" (a word OCD loves) be. Sometimes it feels like the depression, obsession or affliction is holding you hostage miles above earth, and all you want is to get closer to the person and the life you have without being in a whirlpool inside your own head. If you feel that way, you're not the only one. I just began my NOCD journey, and only recently officially was diagnosed. I am hoping to reach a greater place of healing. I hope and believe it will get better for you as well.

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