I call this "The F*ckening", lol. I can absolutely relate to this!
I never knew that it was OCD, for me, when I felt this way for such a long time! I would sit and ponder it, trying to keep it to myself, and when I started to think I'm just totally bonkers, I would have to ask somebody "is this just me? Or is it like a thing for other people, too"? Sometimes, depending on who I asked, someone with a "neurotypical" brain would agree and say they also got similar feelings when things in their lives were going oddly well for longer than it usually would, they would question how long it was really going to last before things went back to "normal" again.
These people were my family or friends, so of course, me being me, can't be sure that they weren't just agreeing to help me feel better about it.
I friggin hate having OCD!
I hate that most of my life feels messy, stressful, depressing, confusing, angering and I am always questioning, comparing, struggling to make decisions, wondering, OBSESSING...
And I absolutely HATE that when all of those things, all of that negativity that consumes most of my day, every day, finally fades away, lightens up, eases into periods of time that get longer and longer, of calm, quiet, simple, enjoyable days where I will find myself smiling, laughing-even, actually going out with friends, doing things that I've lost the desire to do for so long since OCD decided to move in to my happy, vacant brain and start sucking the life out of me!
And then I CAN'T EVEN ALLOW MYSELF to believe that maybe life CAN be this nice, and maybe I'm allowed to live this way like thousands of average people all over the world get to! The only time the OCD disappears just becomes a trigger for new obsessive thoughts because "why is life not completely kicking my ass today? Where did stress and anxiety sneak off to? And how did second-guessing turn into zero-guessing all of the sudden? WHY ISN'T HE GUESSING AND THEN GUESSING AGAIN LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO!? They're all gathering in secret to plan the ultimate suffering for me, I'm sure of it!" 😂
I put the laughing emoji because if I didn't laugh at how ridiculous the shit that falls out of my mouth sounds, I wouldn't get through OCD at all. That way I can still have laughter, because I'm laughing at myself, and nobody else's expense. And that doesn't feel like the f*ckening, at least 🤷🏼♀️
