I feel like an entirely different person :(

I feel like I'm not myself. I know that deep inside there's an excited girl who loves music and books anything pink and her boyfriend, with whom she acts like a cuddly kid. But on the surface, it doesn't feel like that's me. I keep getting the urge to break up with him now because I feel like I don't love him. But what is that based on? He's coming over tomorrow and we're gonna build the lego bouquet he bought me and we're gonna make dinner together. I was the one who suggested making dinner because I like making stuff with him. We made brownies before and I thought we could make heart-shaped pizzas now. It was our 3-month anniversary yesterday but I wasn't excited. I've convinced myself that I only like our relationship or the idea of him but not him as a person, even though he always makes me laugh and makes me comfortable and I love spending time with him. I feel like a terrible person who's pretending and faking. I've spent the whole day cleaning my house, vacuuming everywhere, scrubbing the carpet, organizing my books, changing my bedsheets. I thought I was doing well in managing my thoughts, considering I always lie in bed alone for hours fueling the thoughts, but it seems I was just pushing them away and avoiding them by cleaning.

anonymous__0005

Date posted: 2d

i completely get where youre coming from. im still in this rut myself. all we can remember is that our thoughts are not us. we are so much more than them. if we let our thoughts dictate everything we do we wouldnt be who we are. we got this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

It's so crazy how it's taken control over my life. You're right :( I try to tell myself that my thoughts are mine but they are not me, but I often panic and forget anything that is actually helpful when I need it in the moment. Thank you. I hope you can stay strong too.

anonymous__0005

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous i get like that too! like all the advice in the world has gone in one ear and out the other lol! its easy to let it take control cause its something with so much uncertainty yanno? but theres no such thing as certainty truly. ive also read that love is a choice and you still choose to be there. and with the heightened state youre in of course youre not gonna “feel” everything its impossible when its being blocked up by something. keep pushin girl! definitely try to get into some therapy! im trying to work on that. we are a community you are never alone. :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

@anonymous__0005 The love is a choice thing I know, I've even talked to my boyfriend about it and told him that I want to choose him and choose to love him. So I warned him that if I tell him I want to break up that he shouldn't take me seriously lol. I don't want to lose him, especially when there's nothing actually wrong. He's coming with me to my first appointment with a mental health professional about this issue, so hopefully we can make some progress soon :) Hope it goes well for you, thank you for the reminder and support 🤍

BellaBirdy

Date posted: 2d

First off… be proud of the fact that you’re trying.. that’s such a big step, and I’m so proud of you. Secondly, feeling like a different person unfortunately seems to come with the ocd territory (from my personal experience)… Just remember that love is not always feeling. Admiration is feeling, love is action. From the sounds of it, you show you love him by even talking to him about this stuff. Terrible people don’t worry that they’re terrible people. They just… are. Take a deep breath and please know you’re not alone. Idk if this help but this is my two cents lol

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

Reading this back, I kinda sound like a child. To clarify, I'm 21 years old

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

From the way you describe him and your interactions, I get the impression that you genuinely enjoy being around him. Even your concern about whether you like him or you're faking sounds like genuine care and interest to me. But I understand why you are feeling this way-- I've sometimes had similar worries myself. I worry that I only like or love others because they are meeting my needs, and it makes me sad. I get it. And you sound delightful and like a normal twenty-some year old, not childish. My own daughter is in her early twenties now, and I've been there myself. You sound real, and fun. Enjoy your time together, even if you have to tell OCD to be quiet.

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